My 7 year old ds got chucked out of a pub! Discrimination?

[Eulalia]

Was out yesterday with my sister and my 3 kids, ds1 who's just turned 7, dd 4 and ds2 who is nearly 1. We went to a 'family' pub with beer garden and small playpark. Have been there a few times before with no problems.

ds1 has autism and a few related behavioural problems but we sat right next to the park and either I or my sister was watching ds. For some reason this time he started throwing the bark pieces around. Its rather dirty as the park is underneath some trees. Tried to stop him but he was just determined. There was another group of kids with 3 mums. I spoke to them and they were totally fine with it and have experience of autism. Whew! Their kids got filthy but didn't mind... after all that's what kids do isn't it?

Then another girl comes along, quite old about 11 all nicely dressed, gets a very small bit of dirt on her, I mean not much... ds was just throwing it into the air, not at her. She shrieks and her dad shouts over "just hit him back!". Then the manager comes over although I had no idea it was as he didn't have a name badge on, I thought he was a barman. He says "stop throwing the stuff, could get in people's eyes etc" Ok I agree with this, talk to the parents. "she's just had a shower!" blah blah. Mum seems understanding, dad is just a boor.

Clean ds up and yes he does have dirt in his eyes (don't think he'll be doing that again!) but he's OK and goes back and plays quite nicely for about half an hour. The angry family leave.

Then ds picks up a small slipper type shoe and throws it. Doesn't hit anyone and just lands outside the park area, I suppose it could have hit a glass if he had thrown it harder. Manager storms over and says "you'll have to leave". I ask him who he is and he tells me. He's bloody rude IMO. I get a card from the barmaid with the owners name and am about to complain. The three mums take my name and say they will also complain as witnesses.

The thing is no-one actually made a complaint against us, the 3 mums were happy with the situation and no-one was hurt, nothing damaged etc. ds1 was a bit boisterious but so are plenty of kids and there's bits of branches and stuff lying around that any kid could throw and I am sure have done in the past. And its not as if things don't get knocked over in a beer garden anyway by adults, drunk adults at that....

Sorry for the long speil, just feel better writing it out. Don't know whether to phone the owners, email or write a formal letter of compliant. Probably nothing much can be done as a manager has the right to ask anyone to leave ... but it was the manner in which it was done and I don't know if I have any rights and that my child has been discriminated against.

What would you do?

nothing like autism.They have dyslexia.Oldest one has no social skills and is bullied at school.Youngest is not servere. I constantly battle with teachers and my children are treated as thick and I get very upset.Thats why i know if you have a child / children that are sn your defend them so so much.I must admit I get carried away doing it.Oldest one also has a memory disorder and he is nothing like his peers.He is very imature. He finds it hard to play with children of his own age.
I sometimes feel like printing articles from the internet and shoving it in peoples faces.
If you don't have to deal with a sn child then it is easy to understand how others have no interest to learn ( like all things in life) but teachers should read up all they can about all sn.
My friend actually is a one to one classroom assistant for a autistic boy too.

what do yours have blossom ?

Hi BK - I was interested as haven't seen you around before

My dd has mild asd (very recently dx), Adhd, language disorder and dyspraxic traits!

purplepumkin- I have some cards like that, but never managed to give one out. When ds1 kicks off, he kicks off so I can't handle anything outside of him iyswim.

bk- we're in the southwest. I do get a lot of help (funded by SS) so during the holidays try to get out somewhere each day with the boys (or at least ds1 and ds3, whilst ds2 is in nursery). With 2 adults we can manage things like Dartmoor, the beach, etc.

Things like pubs are just too difficult tbh.

been around for a while Blossom only changed my name because i wrote about some very personal things on here and i had an idea that someone I knew in rl was reading my posts.
Eulalia - I hope you are feeling calmer and it hasn't stopped you going out

Jimjams - I am in kent. Hope we are still cyber friends

Hello - I have been out all day just getting on with things. Went to a soft play centre which was fortunately hassle free and the incident the other day is already diminishing in my mind. I will write the letter because I've already drafted it out and don't want to waste the effort already invested in it. Don't really expect anything to change but feel that I don't want to justify the manager getting away with it either. I am sure he was quite within his rights legally, health and safety, insurance (thank you HHC for your info on this) and so on... but he still was unprofessional about it regardless of whether my son has autism or not. That was the main thing that got to me. I have had comments in other places where ds has gone a bit OTT but they tend to say things like "I wouldn't like him to hurt himself". Its just a small thing but it makes me feel different. I get the feeling that they actually care rather than just see him as being a nuisence.

Anyway at the end of hte day ds got bored with the bark throwing because he was allowed to come to the end of his tether with it and he did get some dirt in his eyes which hurt him and he has actually learned a lesson from it, learned it the hard way but the only way possible fo rhim.

must go ds2 has overturned a load of DVDs on top of him.

Hope your ds3 is OK jimjams!

Jimjams - I have to say I'd not normally let ds throw bark but thing is he'd never done that in that park before. Me and sister were very hot (had just been to buy a pushchair in mothercare - quite stressful). We'd just bought a pint of beer and were sipping it when it started. Also ds has been off school since 28th June.... so I am maybe letting things slip a bit...

However you are right what you say earlier about other people helping out and giving you a bit of space. Just letting your child go first, accommodate them, let them go through their routine and then usually all is well. It was like the sand cleaning incident on the slide a year ago. I let him do it and asked the other kids to stay away but I had to draw the line eventually as he just wouldn;t stop and I did have to drag him away. Other times people can be so helpful and explain to their kids who either keep away or help out which is a learning experience for them too.

Feeling a lot happier anyway as my carer is back from her holiday and it was so much easier today.

I don't know, it depends on what else is going on though doesn't it. You have to prioritise, and sometimes its the right time to tackle bark throwing, sometimes not. I think repetitive activities are hard to tackle because they provide security in strange places iyswim.

I wasn't very strict on throwing things out of windows and over fences today, but I was on keeping windows open and the patio doors open. You can't tackle everything all the time, or you'd never breathe. And you're right that when they go over you have to jump in and tackle it, likewise if they are being a real pain to others. But I think when you are on top of behaviours all the time, and you never stop thinking about behaviours, and you know and fully understand the isolation that challenging behaviours can cause- better than anyone else you know- it is particularly galling to be picked up by Mr Middle Management with a black and white view of life. Grrrr. I work soooooo hard on ds1's behaviuors, that people who don't even have to think about it with their kids having a go make me see red.

BK- of course! I used to be in Kent.........

Yes and the thing is ds has to see the point of stopping the activity. I really hope he did learn that it hurt and he doesn't forget and do it again. I actually saw the attraction as he was watching the way it was falling onto the slide. I managed to get inside his head for a moment. He's just so big now though and any slightly 'off' behaviour is just so much more obvious now.

Well had to put the letter to one side for the moment as our printer is broken. Too busy tomorrow preparing for ds2s birhtday Saturday. Will keep you posted on any replies I get.