how do you approach meeting new people when

[lougle]

your child is reluctant but it has to be done?

Last year dd2 meet my brother and his wife but then hid in the dining room and wouldn't come out until we seated her as far away from them as possible (subtley).

this year they're coming again (she's met him two or three times now) but so is my cousin she hasn't met before.

She is already anxious about the seating plan and has suggested that her place should be between DH and I (as far away as possible from cousin). but she's still got to be in the same room before lunch..could be awkward.

any tips?

thank you,zzzzz those are great suggestions. I'll adapt them to the situation. no room for a video, but could bring her mp4 player.

No advice, but just wanted to say that I feel for your dd2; I was just like this as a child (still suffer from social anxiety to some extent). I used to hide upstairs whenever people came to the house (even if they were known to me) and because my parents perceived my behaviour as rude I used to be forced to come down to say hello to them, which I dreaded.

I would say it would have helped enormously if no attention had been drawn to me at all and I would have felt better if visitors had not tried to engage me in conversation for a good while after arriving at the house. Your dd2 is lucky to have parents so aware of her feelings

Thanks Zen, I'll try to let DD2 set her pace.

We let relatives / visitors know in advance that there may be problems & avoid too large gatherings.

We let the boys have a bolt-hole e.g. they can stay in their bedrooms at home or organise a room at the visitors house they are allowed to go to if it all becomes too much.

We let them read/play on Nintendo's (not at actual meal) rather than be forced to talk to the adults.

Like ZZZ suggestion of giving her a job although laying table etc might be better than one involving contact with the strangers at least to begin with.

We eat according to the boys routine as that has been the straw that has broken the camels back on previous occasions.

At my Dad's funeral last year ds1 started off by hiding under the table. The relatives were brilliant and ignored him and he came out when the conversation turned to something he was interested in. He managed the rest of the day really well.

At the end of the day "it is not something your daughter has to do". It is something you want her to do. Would you do something you are really scared of for politeness? The main thing is to get out of the mindset that she is doing it out of rudeness or as my delightful SIL says "showing off" and appreciate that your best strategy is to reduce that anxiety so try and not make too many demands.

We have generally gone down the jobs route before the meal so that Dd3 is not put into a situation she finds difficult when we are both busy.

We also stick to meal time routines as far as possible. So if we know the meal is going to be later than normal we would give her a sandwich at her normal lunch time.

Dd3 used to find it very difficult to eat if she was in a stressful situation so feeding her first meant that it didnt matter if she didnt eat the meal.

Definitely agree about allowing her to remove herself if she wants to. I think Dd3 has become more sociable at home because she knows she can disappear if she wants to.

Good luck l

Thank you all

We had a bit of a meltdown at home because stupid Mummy forgot to wash the dress that DD2 had planned to wear, which can't be tumble dried so DH quickly hand washed it the put it on for a spin then whacked up the heat on an oil-filled radiator to get it dry . Meanwhile I went to my Mum and Dad's to set up the table with the extra chairs from our house, so that I could fully support DD2 and DD1 who is poorly once they were there.

The cousin she'd never met arrived while I was there on my own, so I had the opportunity to prewarn her that DD2 is very shy and that she may not say hi at first, but would warm to her gradually.

When I went to get DH and the girls, DD2 was predictably shy, but we just introduced generally, explaining in her earshot that Grandad was X's uncle, Nanny was her Aunt, and I was her cousin. After a few minutes DD2 plucked up the courage to ask X if she liked her dress, but then distanced herself.

She was very grateful to be sitting at the far end of the table with Mummy and Daddy, but curious to see where X was sitting.

She finally, 5 minutes before we left, plucked up the courage to join in a running/pushing game that DD3 and X were playing. So that was a victory.

Then she had a melt down at home, but we won't dwell on that