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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

Non SN relationships.....

19 replies

salondon · 27/12/2013 04:48

If your disabled/special health/education needs child is your first or only child, do you have any 'normal' parent-friends?

What I mean is that have you managed to continue with your older friendships since having a SN kid? I am sure your best friends are all still around. However, how about your social circle.

We have no immediate family in UK. For some reason I never made the 'NCT' friends during my pregnancy(and boy I am glad. With a GDD child I would have been chronically depressed). I am finding it impossible to find the energy to invest in my non SN relationships. I am tired of explaining what therapies we are doing, how the doctors dont do much for you, how the schools aren't falling over themselves to take my kid and educate and 'normalise' her. Why we haven't used the Internet to learn tips for toilet training.

Pretty much a useless self pity post.

OP posts:

autumnsmum · 27/12/2013 05:38

Salon don dd2 is my third child all my friends with
My older two have moved away .i had horrible pnd with dd 2 and by the time I was over that I didn't do the toddler group thing because I think I knew there were issues with dd2. .i don't do Aba with dd2 and have opted for a sp sch so we have made different choices but it still feels v lonrly

autumnsmum · 27/12/2013 06:39

Sorry dd2 was up at 5am so in a thoughtful mood .i think Christmas is very hard for all of us mil bought dd2 a huge dolls house with furniture .it has all been piled on the top floor and ignored

nostoppingme · 27/12/2013 07:24

I can relate to what you are saying. I gravitate to the 'non normal' parents now. I feel at ease and I don't have to explain anything; they understand.

My friends from way back, are still my friends though. But I don't live near so hardly see them. I just don't have the energy to make new 'normal' ones.

xmasShark · 27/12/2013 10:16

we have no immediate family in UK either but can fill up a plane with friends. They are mostly very supportive, all make an effort to encourage DS to speak and encourage their children to play with DS and always make him feel included. We go together on holidays, eat out, trips etc.

At one point when DS had significant issues and little language and another small baby I was very worried they will all look away.

I am very grateful they have helped me with extensive babysitting for free for the younger kids when DS had to attend out of school therapies and appointments. One even dared to look after the 3 kids at our anniversary and DH and I can spend a night in a hotel/children free. I am forever grateful for having them.

I also met lots of lovely people through MN, outstanding support though the SA, DS being out of school and securing a place for DS in the school I wanted.

My old friends are miles away in another country.

babiki · 27/12/2013 11:04

It's tough... I understand you completely. My ds with SN is youngest of 3 and it's tough even to maintain friendships of older DC - sleepovers, birthday parties, everything is a mission.

We are also alone in UK ( if your nickname is anything to go by, my husband is from the same country) and I find it difficult to relate to NT parents... However some do get it -we've moved house recently and one girl kept trying to get friendly, I was quite distant tbh, but she prevailed and now I'm glad - she gets 'it', is natural with kids and great with ds.

Saracen · 27/12/2013 11:50

Like xmasShark, I haven't found it so hard. I am certainly glad I wasn't in an antenatal group or going to baby things, and we didn't really do toddler groups either. (Well, we did for a while when dd was about five because she enjoyed it, but it felt awkward for me.)

Associating with children of various ages has always been good. Everyone seems to take dd as they find her and there are no comparisons because the kids aren't all the same age and so no one expects dd to be like them. When my dd was younger I found it somewhat painful to be with kids of exactly her age, but she's seven and I think I'm past that now. Still prefer to be in mixed-age groups, but that is usual for us anyway.

My friends might not know exactly what I'm going through, but then there are difficult aspects of their lives which are alien to me too. I've never had to care for an elderly relative, struggle with addictions, or live in a war zone with a teenager. I'm sure that like me, my friends want to get together occasionally with people who can relate to what they are going through, but we can still unload to each other a bit, and talk about other things which are common ground.

salondon, do you have friends with kids of different ages? Maybe such people would be less interested in subjects like toilet training and getting into the "right" school.

sammythemummy · 27/12/2013 12:30

Hi salondon

I'm sorry you're having a bad day.

I am still in touch with some of my old friends but frankly I'm the one that opts out of meeting, keeping in contact. I find that when I'm around them and their children (who are around the same age as my dd or a year younger) I get really sad and down for days. It's a constant reminder of how different my dd is.

I personally think it's best for my sanity to surround myself with parents of SN children. My closest friends have children with speech delay due to different reasons, dyspraxia and specific language impairment, but we still have much in common due to our worries for our children. And it's nice not being the only one left out.

Hope you feel better by the end of the day

Geneticsreindeer · 27/12/2013 12:54

my SN DS is my eldest and i have friends with NT children but they are mostly younger than DS and are therefore closer to his developmental age. for ages after diagnosis i avoided all children of similar age though as it was just too painful.

Original poster

salondon · 27/12/2013 13:07

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Lesley25 · 27/12/2013 14:59

i tried salondon with my nt friends who had also become mums. I found it was always me who couldnt go to meet and greets and always me who received the pitying "hows it all going?" chat up line.
After a while it grated. and grated.
and i suddenly found that it was effort entirely made by me to ring and "catch up". Trying to fulfil the role in my old life of always being the "go to" person.
After several years of trying to do this and contact only being intiated by me, i decided it was time to move on. My life with my sn ds has been one which has profoundly changed me. To be honest, getting older has to.
People change and lives move in all sorts of directions. I only have a very small amount of time to allow myself virtual `and real friendships and i now surround myself with like minded individuals. its so much more fulfilling.

chocnomore · 27/12/2013 17:45

I kept two friends I made in the antenatal class before we knew Dd has SN. and they are fab.

I made a few friends in the early days but as soon as Dd's SN (autism) became people became distant (not sure if they worried their PFB would catch Asd as well) and I stopped going.

I still see my old friends (friends before I hady Dds) but only rarely. I don't have family in the UK either and no support network/babysitters about.

Dd goes to a MS school (Y1) and I am really the odd one out at pick up and drop off; Dd does not get invited to birthdays or playdates either so no realtionships/friendships blossomed with other mums. and as I am working, I cannot attend the local SN support groups either (they run all during the school hours) - so I don't realky know other mums with DC with SN either. my support network is online.
mind, going to work is really good for me though. gets me out if the house and my colleagues are a nice bunch.
but on the whole I am pretty isolated but it does not bother me anymore. life is busy enough with Dd, work and the various LA/DLA etc battles

MariaStillChristmas · 27/12/2013 20:57

Dropped most old friends. Just too hard. . The new 'SN' friends are like gold, though.

Have also made a few new NT-but-sensible ones, who shield me from the playground uber-parents.

zzzzz · 27/12/2013 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MariaStillChristmas · 27/12/2013 21:29

Oh no! I was including the online friends, zzzz

Ah well.

zzzzz · 27/12/2013 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

salondon · 27/12/2013 22:09

Glad that some of you have a good real life support network.

Chocnomore - you sound like me

OP posts:

elliejjtiny · 01/01/2014 15:39

I have DS1 and DS3 who have mild SN and DS2 and DS4 who are more severe. I get the "hows it all going?" thing a lot, it's so depressing.

With DS1 (7) and DS3 (3) I have NT mum friends. It helps that DS3 is very short so he looks like a genius 18 month old rather than the 3 year old with mild SN that he really is.

With DS2 (5) I have a mixture of NT and SN mum friends although DS2 and I both prefer to socialise with the SN mums (me) and their DC's (DS2). He started to have problems at about 3 months so we were the odd ones out at NT baby group for a while before we found our groove and met other SN mums and DC's. It really helped that when DS2 was about 1 there was a little girl who had SN as well who went to both the NT toddler group and the SN toddler group like we did. That was really good as DS2 wasn't the only one and we encouraged each other to keep going.

With DS4 (6m) I'm struggling. He was diagnosed with issues antenatally and then with some others at birth. It's really obvious that he's different from other babies. We tried going to a breastfeeding group once but DS3 wasn't allowed to go and I felt quite uncomfortable to be honest as DS4 seemed to be an obvious reminder to the other mums that not all babies are "perfect" which made most of them uncomfortable. I take DS3 and DS4 to a SN group which is quiet but nice. My new years resolution is to go to a NT baby and toddler group with DS3 and DS4 but it's scary. The bigger DS4 gets, the more obvious his differences are.

Hedgyhoggy · 01/01/2014 21:37

How have you lot made sn friends (apart from here). Live in a rural isolated area and feeling a little alone...also I bit fed up of people saying "ohh he's saying a few more words isn't he'. I know they mean well, but it just seems to amplify his differences. They would never comment on other children's abilities at a Christmas party...would they!? Or am I being cynical

elliejjtiny · 01/01/2014 21:53

Hedgyhoggy how old is your DC? I made SN friends when DS2 went to a SN playgroup. When DS1 went to school DS2 was playing with another little boy who's older sister was in DS1's class at school pick up time. They were both wearing piedro boots so me and his mum got talking. I find other SN mums come up and talk to me if DS2 is having one of his "obviously SN moments" like if he's in his wheelchair or screaming in the middle of a shop. One lovely mum saw me struggling on my first trip out on my own with 4 DC's and said that she had 5 DC's herself, one with CP, gave me a hug and said I was doing a great job . She offered me a lift too although we were almost home by that point.

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