Why does ASD = mean and unkind?

[lougle]

I've noticed an increasing trend of posts on the main board querying ASD in a relative, on the grounds of mean and unkind behaviour. Why is that? It's certainly not in the diagnostic criteria!

Bloody annoying, isn't it?

Because people read and believe tabloid headlines?

I don't get this one as my anecdotal experience is of extreme whole hearted kindness to others to the point where ASD = exploitation by others if noone watches their back. I'd even say that about my ex, ,his cruelty stems from his alcoholism,military experiences & appalling childhood rather than his AS.

ASD behaviour is odd, rather than cruel from a layperson's perspective as a general rule.

I suspect that because it's the only neurological disorder the general public has heard of that all sorts of prejudices get pinned on the label. ADHD seems to suffer from a similar dose of public misconceptions. There's surprisingly little knowledge out there of personality disorders such as narcissism, or sociopathy, abusive behaviour or addictions that frankly I think all women out to be taught about before they are ever allowed to become sexually active.

There are a few women who are suprisingly selfish and can't get their heads round the fact that their own constant neediness drives their man up the wall (especially when he's trying to hang by his nails to his job during a redundancy round etc.) I'm often surprised at how many middle-aged mothers still think the world revolves around them on the main boards at times, it's like they never left adolescence.

I haven't seen the thread you're referring to.

In my experience, DS2 has very little capability for malice or planned unkindness. He can sometimes say things that could hurt people's feelings, but it is never with that intention.

I have seen people on other threads raise the question of ASD when the OP is describing someone who is behaving in a way that doesn't fit in with usual social convention. Some people could interpret a lack of understanding of people's feelings as being unkind.

My dad has Asperger's and he is capable of saying some things that really would have been better left unsaid.

I've seen it a lot, usually wrt to male partners. They haven't mind-read what Christmas present the tantruming immature woman wanted that she hinted at 9 months ago whilst the DP was looking for carpark change and she flares up, throws a mince pie at him before going round to a friends who gives her a glass of wine and explains that he's probably autistic.

My ds showed extreme annoyance everytime he opened a present and it was clothes. He threw them down. Once he even had tears and insisted that it wasn't fair and he should have a turn with another (we take turns opening).

It's rude behaviour when the gift-giver is present. It might even be seen as unkind. But ds has no understanding that it might upset the person who bought it for him unless it is explicitly explained in a way that references his world.

We had a talk that the person who bought him that jumper probably really wanted to play minecraft, but very kindly put it down, and didn't finish her railway so that she could make sure he was warm when he went out on his scooter this winter, and wasn't that kind?

Then he understood, and then he went off his own back to see her and say 'did you have to go out shopping to get my jumper?' (which went some way towards explaining to her that he really doesn't 'get it') and then asked her some questions about her power rails which further confirmed he didn't 'get it'.

Do people really think that?

Sometimes people with HFA can come across as rude & unkind because they don't always understand social graces. I have read some threads on here where it really seems that the person being written about might well have some ongoing issues with social interaction & communication, which could possible be to do with ASD.

Sometimes people are just rude & unpleasant. and lots of people with ASD are lovely and funny and affectionate.

I find those threads annoying too. My DS1 can be difficult at times, but at the moment he is my devoted "nurse". I have a nasty chronic illness and have taken to my bed and DS brings me regular cups of tea, food, cuddles, hair stroking, sick buckets, water....

He is in his twenties with ASD and learning difficulties.

My NT son, similar age and very bright, would do things for me, but I would have to ask. DS1 is there the minute one of my attacks starts!

DD2 brings me a stuffed heart that she made in school, presses it against my chest and says 'I'm warming your heart, Mummy'

DS has now gone to bed after watching, again, his In the Womb DVD that he got for Christmas which was, alongside his 21 eggs, his favourite present.

They're a funny, but adorable bunch.

Dd1 almost fell off her chair earlier today, I just managed to catch her. When I asked what happened, DD1 said 'I was leaning on DD2...'and DD2 said in a light and airy way 'and I didn't want her to lean on me, so I walked away...'

I was and said 'but DD2, if someone is leaning on you, you can't just walk away!'

DD2 said 'I.didn't.want.her.to! '

No malice, just a complete inability to think beyond her self.

Yesterday father in law says how glad he was that he didn't have cook all the food that I'd made for Christmas dinner. Dd replied that it was ok as it was all ready made and all I had to do was stick it in the oven and warm it up!

I've never seen cruelty and unkindness listed anywhere as an autistic trait and common sense tells me that cruelty and unkindness requires subtle understanding and emotional intelligence which can be lacking in some people with ASD.

^exactly sneeze^

Tactlessness at times it's true, but never that godawful sense of entitlement I've seen in so many spoilt women and their snotty nosed Violet Elizabeth brats.

I have a friend with a Violet Elizabeth. She's a lovely sibling of a child with ASD. I reckon she's been saved.

I've picked people up on it before on AIBU, when someone is moaning about some horrible brat (who I would probably think is a horrible brat too, even with my SN radar!) and somebody else always pops up and says "oh but it might be autism". Then I have to point out that autism doesn't necessarily equal bad behaviour and vice versa!
My ds doesn't have a mean bone in his body as it happens, unlike some NT kids I could mention.

The thread's gone. I'm glad. I lost it and was a bit unkind.

Someone named their kid Violet Elizabeth in RL? . I'm not sure if that's worse than Romero, my God daughter's choice for her first born, (she'd better not call the next one Mondeo). 'Tis a coin flip for sure.

I think that's my issue. I'd go ballistic if anyone ever used my adult son's disability to excuse him hitting his wife or being deliberately emotionally abusive. However I'm resigned to the fact that his future wife asks if her bum looks big in that dress, she'd better be ready to hear the truth occasionally . He'll balance it out by being kind, loyal, loving and a darn good cook.

Some people just aren't very nice & that's a fact. My Granny could have told you that without adding a label.