Can people relate to this

[PrinceRogersNelson]

I have DD (5) who has SN, she has disordered speech, significantly delayed fine and gross motor skills, significantly delayed attention and concentration and some sensory issues.

She is coping reasonably well at school although there have been some issues with hitting. She enjoys school and is actually a very sociable person but cannot keep up with peers and gets easily overwhelmed.

So that's the background. The thing that is stressful is her behaviour. We get screaming and shouting, her brother gets told not to look at her. it is bad the last couple of days. Her brother was in non uniform today she was in uniform as she had her party last Tuesday. Cue screaming and shouting at us. It is hard to take and just so depressing at times.

Honestly I can handle the being behind her peers, but the impact on everyone of her behaviour is difficult. We remain calm and try and get her to tell us what is wrong etc, but she is so on edge all the time. She is like a fire cracker.

Her statement describes her as ' self directed and at times stubborn with a degree of impulsivity'. That's the half of it that we see to be honest.

I babysat for a friend last night who has 2 children same age as mine and to see their relationship and how they behave towards each other is really hard. DD would not allow her brother to get as physically close, she wouldn't chat with him.

I don't know I just find it hard to see the 'normal' family and realise the impact that her SN has on the family dynamic. And in particular on the sibling relationship. It is utterly exhausting. And I do not feel that there is anywhere we can go for help with her behaviour. She is not motivated by reward or punishment.

when does it get easier. When does the acceptance kick in? When do you stop pining for 'normal' and enjoy what you have?

Anyone? :( It can't really just be me who finds this difficult.

its not just you.
i guess in some sort of way you never stop pining for "normal". Its going to be everywhere you look, every day..
but what i have done is try to focus on the positives, also thinking about how much worse it could be. it sounds awful but hearing or seeing people in much worse situations puts it into perspective for me.
I'm not saying it doesn't still eat into my psche sometimes but seeing nt and normal situations every day is going to be like this forever. So, i made the decision that whilst i cannot change my environment and shut every nt person out/family out, i can embrace that feeling and just focus on what i have got, rather then what i haven't.
please dont think im lecturing or preaching or doing anything to sound superior or belittle what you are feeling, i feel it most days too.

It is hard, it is challenging, it is saddening.
There will always be times when you see your DC with others their age, or younger ,who seem to find tasks easier, are more fluent or skilled and feel nothing but sadness and the unfairness of it.

I wish DS found things easier, and I dont think I will ever not feel that way, but can also appreciate the things he can and does do, the ways he is individial and wonderful.

I suppose its a matter of being aware of what DC does and can do and being positive about those things and marvelling when they develop, regardless of what others are doing.

That behaviour rings a bell from when dd2 was in y2 at school. It suggests to me that there is a possibility that she may not be coping as well at school as everyone thinks. Sensory issues may be a problem perhaps? Strategy from our point of view was to explain to the sibling that dd2 was like a coiled spring and do not speak to her/make demands and allow dd2 to 'decompress' with lots of explanation as appropriate for older sis. You have your own family dynamic which needs a different approach and your own rule book. It doesn't stop it being blimmin hard and at times depressing, though

you're far from alone. I've been worried a lot recently about the relationship between ds (6yo ASD) and dd (4yo NT), in particular about the way his behaviour affects and influences her. Have been feeling pretty down about the fact that despite ds being great most of the time (and his behaviour is generally pretty good), dd is growing up without a normal sibling relationship.

They are probably as close as they can be, they do play, and ds does love her but obv this comes out in 'his' way. And they currently spend 70% of the time squabbling, which is just exhausting - compounded by the fact that a) I have to second-guess ds all the time and 'translate' his behaviour, and b) dd has to do the same which just puts so much pressure on her, and c) makes it just soooo much harder to sort out and mediate as it would with 'normal' siblings.

Also worry that he is her main role model, and so worried that her personality is being shaped by how she's had to react and adapt to his not-normal behaviour and interaction.

Seeing other siblings of the same age always gets me down, but then I don't really adore other peoples children much generally, so do also come away thinking how much more gorgeous and funny my own are

Also sometimes helps to focus on the positives of each child (individually I mean, not as the sibling dynamic). I also plan to try and get as many activities/playdates for dd as I can as she gets older, and try as much as possible for them to do clubs/activities etc together. Sad though, as in some ways she's like an only child

Such a rock/hard place thing isn't it - don't want to isolate ourselves even more but then it's hard having the differences rubbed into our faces, even if unintentionally,by being with nt families, and even many good friends can't really 'get it'. I totally understand where you're coming from.

Everything's a bloody worry isn't it. No wonder I've gone from no grey hairs to 1/5 head grey in 2 years (or should that be ?)

I also worry that dd uses the same tactics to interact with peers at nursery that she has to at home with ds (ie having to shout etc). Also that her ideas of what is normal conversation is, erm skewed. Not many 4yo girls talk about Doctor Who!

Thank you everyone. I am clearly not alone at all.

Polter - I know what you mean about school actually not being OK, but I honestly don't know what to do anymore. We have her draft statement and it is not great so I will be appealing it. We have the chance to name a school that has a language unit, but I don't know whether to. But that is a whole other thread.

I picked her up from childminder and she cried because I gave the childminder a box of chocolates, she cried when I picked her brother up from afterschool club because another child told her she couldn't have another drink, she cried when we got home as we have bought a new rug and she doesn't like it. That was all within an hour. And it is not normal crying. It is full on screaming. You know how it is.

DS just ignores her for the most part now. Why would be want to get involved when she is basically a pain? The sibling relationship thing is really hard.

I am half relieved the holidays are here and half dreading it.
Funnily enough spending time just the 2 of us is lovely. She is chilled and sweet and chatty, but as soon as someone else comes along she loses it. :(