Age gap

[eidsvold]

I saw this start on another thread so I thought I would start it off ... what do you think would be an appropriate age gap between siblings??

Dd will be 2 in Aug... any ideas....

I am also tickled by people's responses when we say we would like more..... again how should people behave..

I have had the incredulous, But surely you are not having anymore children?!?! When prompted friend pointed at dd ( I knew what she meant but was mean enough to make her say it - What if we have another one like her....)

OR

I get the unfinished question relating to our risk of having another child with sn.....

I just laugh.... I guess I also ponder the thought that they wanted to offer us genetic counselling three days after dd was born - I was thinking - hang on I came in three days ago for a scan and now I have a baby - who I knew would have special needs but just let me catch my breath!!!

So what do you all think about -

a) having more children

b) appropriate age gap??

TC/Davros etc ... is this a good start

Dd1 was born with 2 heart defects and hydrocephalus, and it later turned out gdd plus a collagen deficiency syndrome. We waited until she was walking before trying to have another one, but number 2 wasn't born until dd1 was 4y 8m. Ideally I would have liked about a 3 year gap, but it never works out that way irl.

Dd1's problems were down to anti convulsants I took while pg, they didn't tell me the risks AT ALL, and actually increased them half way through the pg, so the odds of having another sn child was reduced. However I was told that ther was still a small increased risk of a child with the same problems, so we had what seemed like a gazillion scans for subsequent children as a result. I also stopped taking my pills until I was sure I wasn't going to have any more babies.

The gap between dd2 and ds1 is only 23 m, and tbh although they are v close I found it hard work, and would have waited longer given the choice ( ds1 was unplanned). The gap between ds1 and ds2 (also a surprise)is 27 months, which is not too bad, but ds2 has cp as you all probably know, so for me it's just as well he is the youngest, or else I would find it hard to cope lugging 2 non walkers around! Ds2's probs are unrelated to my anti convulsants.

There was never an issue about having another child, we had always said we would, even after finding out about dd1's needs.

Any help?

We hadn't had an official dx for ds1 when I had ds2 so we didn't have to put up with any "What do you want another one for? questions and comments. There is an age gap of 2yrs 8mths which was ideal for us. TBH even if we'd already had the dx it wouldn't have affected our decision to have another baby. The 'label' of ASD/AS didn't suddenly change the way ds1 was. I'm starting to get all broody again (for which I blame Mumsnet ) but if we decided to have another child we would again aim for a gap of about 3yrs.

The ironic thing is that we originally thought ds1 would be out of nappies by the time ds2 came along. The way things are looking it looks as though ds2 might actually be toilet-trained first!

lou - just curious to see what others felt/thought - I only have the one as yet. Have a niece 2 months older than dd and sil due in July. Little glad when and if a next one comes along there will not be such a small gap between cousins - poor dd gets compared with niece by some relies who have not grasped the concept of ds....

However am getting broody ... poor dh... in 14 weeks we will both be unemployed and moving to the other side of the world.. and here is me thinking I would like another child - Now

I do imagine given my last pregnancy and dd's congenital heart defect and ds that I too will be monitored very closely... as I was towards the end of the last pregnancy.

Oh how lovely for you to be thinking of another baby eidsvold. I would say go for it as it sounds like you could cope... but easy for me to say i know.

OUr age gap is 2 years 9 months which worked out fairly well as I felt I had ds to ourselves for a good while. I had no choice in a way as it took awhile for my periods to settle down. I think 2.5 years + is supposed to be the right time to allow your body to settle down. When you have a child with special needs I think it depends on how much work the older child will still need when the baby comes along.

For us it worked OK in some ways as ds was bad for running off between age 3-4 and dd was still young enough to be kept in the pram while I ran after him. Now it is the other way round - I am running after dd and trying to make sure ds doesn't copy her or wanders away himself.

So one way to look at it is maybe when the next child is around age 2 (when they are a lot of work in themselves) and think about how old your dd will be then and what will be happening with her then, eg will she be attending nursery thus giving you more time with the young child etc.

Good luck anyway

Forgot to add, that my sister gave birth to her first child aged 27 and he had DS. She had 3 other children afterwards. They have been a great help with regards to his development, as he had children around to watch and pick up on things they did that he didn't iyswim. He's nearly 15 now.

ah well obviously I'm all in favour of having more children; though having done - and barely survived - a supermarket shop with all three this afternoon I'm also in favour of not having any at all But as you've already got the one you might as well have another!
I think it's lovely having siblings - I did leave a bigger age gap between dd2 and ds (32 months or so) than between dd1 and dd2 (19 months) which I am glad about. Dd2 is still such a little toddler in many ways and I think it would have been harder on me if there had been a smaller gap, particularly with dd not walking until 2.5 yrs etc. I felt guilty that I sort of sprung ds upon dd2 - she didn't have the verbal skills or comprehension to understand that a baby was going to appear on the scene, but she has coped pretty well and is very sweet with ds.
There is also the issue of how to cope with all the therapies & hospital appointments etc when you have a baby with you. I've had to drop some activities because ds is not partial to sitting in his car seat for long and dh has been taking dd to her audiology appointments.
I do feel guilty that I simply don't have the time and energy to do a lot of educational stuff with dd - but am feebily hoping that having siblings around will benefit her in other ways.

Eidsvold, thanks for starting the thread I threatened to start, I just don't get time to post or read anything lengthy over the weekend. In my case (just to refresh/bore you all!) my ASD son was about 8.5 years when our baby girl was born, she will be 1 year old on 12 March I think lots of people assumed we had decided not to have more because of our son's autism but that really was not true. Unfortunately I was very ill after having him and was advised not to have any more for the (then) forseeable future. I had never wanted another too soon and thought that about a 3 year gap would be good but we knew before he was 3 about his autism and about my illness.
There was also the added issue of knowing that there's a much greater risk of having another child with ASD or a related disorder, once you already have one. Also, ASD is clearly highly genetic in our situation as I have a sister with Aspergers and a cousin with a son with ASD. Of course, you can't test for ASD, the closest you can get is to find out if the baby's a boy or not which changes the odds as there are 4 times as many boys with ASD as girls. I had to see a specialist Professor during the second pregnancy and we did discuss the idea that we could find out the sex and decide NOT to have the baby if it was a boy..... presumably based on psychological issues etc. We decided NOT to do this, although we seriously considered it, because if we took this decision, then took the time to get over it, tried for another pregnancy, got pregnant, got into the pregnancy, had another test and found out it was a boy again..... well, you see what I mean. ALso I'm 44 now!
We did look seriously at adoption a few years ago but decided not to go into it as we weren't sure if we would have another of our own at that time.
ANother reason we decided to have another and take the risk is that, with only one child who is severely autistic, we pretty well knew what the future held , e.g. he will never be independent, we would never have grandchildren, we would never have to worry about university, girlfriends (or boyfriends ) etc, there would be no-one to care about him (not necessarily FOR him) other than us and no-one to care about us....... I know that NT siblings are not there as unpaid carers but at least there's a chance that there will be someone who is interested. I also realise that NT siblings do not guarantee grandchildren, education and career choices etc but its at least a possibility.
I found the experience of having only one child and that child being severely autistic, very upsetting and very hard sometimes. We adore our son but our whole lives were "disordered" IYSWIM. Many times people who also have autistic children told me how lucky I was to have only one child to chase around after (I've said this all before on MN). THat was just so heartbreaking and insensitive. I do feel a bit out of place in the baby groups and activities I go to with my baby, partly becasue I'm so old! but also because I've had such a different experience to most people and my son is always in my mind and my heart when I'm out and I just don't always feel like a "normal" mum, but then I suppose I'm not.

Davros thanks for sharing your story. It is how I feel in many ways aswell. Especially the bit about thinking about your sn child when out and at baby groups. I am sure it is nothing to do with your age (I am 26) I feel awkward in such situations too. I hate the comparrisons in development and feel for mums who are emerging in the groups who have got children who maybe arent developing normally. I have seen this happen a few times and it breaks my heart, remembering how I felt when it was becoming apparent that my daughter was developing normally. Being frightened and out of control. Not knowing what to do or how to help her. Anyway back to topic.

Eidsvold I have a 22month gap in between my two. My situation was different though because we hadnt realised that dd had special needs until I was quite heavily pregnant with ds. I think given our situation now (genetic counselling) it was most probably foolish of us to think this new baby would not be affected by sn. I realise now that if it were genetic ds could have stood a chance of having the same. As we still dont know because dd does not have a diagnosis, I have put having any more children on hold. It is not a nice way to plan your family life and any future children you may or may not have.

In our circumstance the fact that dd has got a sibling is good. She is really copying him now and he is bringing her on more. they have very different personalities too, she used to be quite shy and lack confidence. He is overly confident and it is giving her more confidence too. It is nice for them both to have companionship too. I also worry about her being bullied at school and hope that ds will be there to stick up for her(sorry this may sound daft!) I also, like Davros, worry about the future and what will happen to dd when we have died. I feel if she had more siblings they would look out for her more, but then again I am hoping that there will be some kind of community she will be able to live in semi-independently.

I think if you would like another now, you should try, if thats what you want! I dont think there is a perfect gap really, just what you feel is best for yourself. I am sorry you have encountered such negative responses off people about having another aswell, I really cant understand why people say such things.

But eidsvold what would weightwatchers say about you having another baby after all that weight you have just lost!

Sorry girls, not been on since I asked davros the question that got this all kick started.

Fiurst day back at work for a week so must crack on really but want you to know I'm not ignoring you all.

I want another child and ideally I'd like one soon. However I think that it would be sensible for all parties to wait until Lottie can at least stand, if not walk. However I'm scared that could possibly take another 2-3 years and don't know if I can / want to wait that long.

Will read all your posts later and come back and talk more on this.

TC x

Another reason I want to leave it a little bit longer is for a reason we've all discussed here before, that bittersweet feeling, when child no 2 overtakes child no 1. I want to give Lottie a bit more of a head start. It's ahrd enough having friends kids, the same age and younger than Lottie overtaking her so drastically in a few areas.

I really want the opportunity to raise a child without SN, as well as the opportunity to raise with with SN, but I'm a bit scared as well. Not sure why as that's the first time I've ever 'said' that out loud.

What if I resent child no 2 being able to do things so easily and my little Lottie had to struggle etc. Could that happen? Never thought about that until now.

Hi Thomcat
I have 2 children. My ds is 6 and has no special needs. My dd is 4 and 1/2 and has a language disorder. When I found out I was having dd my ds was only 10 months so you can imagine how shocked I was (the 2nd pregnancy was unplanned). We also at that time didn't realise that baby no. 2 had any problems - until she was at least 18months. All I can say is that it has been lovely that my dd has had her older brother and vice-versa. My son loves his little sister to bits and she loves him. My son is a great role-model for his little sister and a great playmate too! Sometimes (slightly reversed here!) I think that my ds did things so much easier than dd, such as making friends and I do find it a bit sad but also realise that dd has reason to find some things harder.
I love having 2 children and would highly recommend 2 with a small age gap!

a) We suspected there was a problem with DS1 but didn't know for certain and I was very much trying to convince myself I was wrong - DS1 was only 15 months old when DS2 was conceived.

Obviously having a third child seems much more risky but (a) I really want one (!) (b) now that we understand DS1 better, he does seem easier to manage (most of the time!) and (c) Charlotte Moore (two autistic children) has a third nt child. Not very logical I know. And in a funny sort of way, spending time on planet autism has made me less concerned about other things e.g. Down's Syndrome. (DS2 was born with talipes but whilst I hope that the new baby doesn't have it, I'm really not too bothered - we coped last time, we'll cope again if we have to.)

(b) age gap - just two years between DS1 and DS2. They will be just 5 and 3 when the new one arrives.

One thing I ought to say - having DS2 was, I reckon, the best thing we could have done for DS1 - DS2 has done far more than me or DH could have to bring DS1 into the "real world" - DS2 has a very good nature - quite determined but very sweet - he has "made" DS1 play with him, answer his questions, interact with him - and they are now, often, lovely together. On Christmas Day they played together really peacefully for hours while I cooked Christmas lunch.

In an ideal world KPB I would have a small age gap, but I don't know if it would be the best idea having a child of 2.2 and who doesn't put her feel on the floor still and is carried around everywhere. Just not sure if that's a valid reason, (it feels as if it is), or if I'm just making excuses.

not much fio - seemed to be going backwards with the ww stuff. But more importantly what would dh say about another one now - especially since in 14 weeks time we will both be unemployed and moving to the other side of the world!! However doing things like that is just our style.

For instance our history - started dating/living together in July, engaged august, married October and find ourselves expectant parents in December.... Life almost happens to us rather than the other way around but it is more fun this way

Hi Thomcat
I know what you're saying but for us the small age gap was not really a decision and at the time very daunting. In my "ideal" world I think an age gap of 3 years is perfect although Mother nature had other ideas. Believe me when I had a baby and a toddler it was hard work, relentless but enjoyable! Now that they are both at school full-time I can look back and say it was a positive experience!!!!!!!!!!!
The only advice I can give is to go with your gut instinct, I am sure you will know when you are ready! A very good friend of mine is expecting and will have an age gap of 7 years once baby no2 comes along but that's what suited my friend. An appropriate age gap is what suits you and your family

LOL eidsvold maybe it would be easier to plan for 1 when you move, he!he!

Thomcat I know exactly what you mean about not knowing how you'd feel with another child. I often think what would it be like to have a normal daughter. Infact I am quite upset even typing this, with tears in my eyes, but I remember when dd was born. She was MY daughter, I had practically imagined her wedding, her children, dh walking her down the aisle - she may not do that now. I keep thinking if I have a normal daughter will I be able to cope with a 'different' kind of relationship. Seeing the wedding and feeling the one I have lost (or may not have, I dont know!) I am waffling, this is most probably not making any sense - it doesnt to me. I dont even like weddings!! Sometimes I wonder what planet I am on!

TC, I think you've answered your own questions. You're not ready yet, for whatever reason and, of course, Lottie is a very big part of that reason. However, there comes a time when all of us stop prevaricating (or some never do ) and go for it, you're just not there yet and your Lottie reasons are very good ones. I probably could have had another baby sooner but my son was being educated at home, I then went back to work blah blah, we can all find good reasons when the time is not right. Its hard to make such a decision when you already KNOW that your first child has a disability and/or special needs. I wish I could have just gone ahead without knowing and not had to make the decision but my illness prevented that
I haven't really thought about how we'll feel when the baby overtakes our son, in some ways she already is. I'd really like her to have a sibling but just can't take the risk of having another autistic child and at my age.... There seems to be lots of only children around these days so hopefully she will make the most of friends and her cousin. She does already adore her brother and I think gets a little confused when she doesn't get the same feedback from him that she gets from everyone else. He's been great with her considering he had everything to himself for so long and we couldn't explain it to him before she arrived. He seems to hav accepted her, although he's often indifferent to her which I think is not bad considering he could be hostile. More and more though he's looking into her eyes, touching her gently, getting in the bath with her. I really decided not to pressure him into responding to her or trying to force him to interact as I think that would hav caused problems. ANyway, sorry to ramble on again!

davros that wasnt rambling it was lovely I always find it amazing when I read other peoples posts on here and we share the same worries. I always think I am some kind of freak who only feels like this (dont answer that!)

That's the Godsend of Mumsnet, and this SN section in particular sometimes. Nice to know I'm not alone in these concerns and nice to have somewhere to chat things over. Thank you in particular in this instance to Fio and Davros

guess I also need to consider my age - getting on - was called a geriatric mother last pregnancy - wonder if I'll be issued a zimmerframe for the next one

Just re-read my last post and don't want it to sound like I think of the baby as an only child as she DOES have a loved and valued brother but I hope you all know what I mean....

I knew what you meant davros god I feel like i am stalking you today !lol

TC thanks for the thanks and thanks to you too!

Eidsvold we tried for a 2 year gap and ended up with 2yrs 4 months - it worked well for us at the time as DD (with DS) was getting into the dolls thing, and was thrilled to breastfeed her dolly whilst I fed her brother etc - and crucially I think too young to remember a time without him. Also we were lucky in that she walked at 18 mo so was semi mobile - I never entered the grim nether world of the double buggy. I have found for the past year or so (since DS has been walking I guess) that I can't really take him to her various appts - so there is a cost there of arranging alternative childcare. But the pluses have been fantastic - we wondered how soon he would overtake her and in which area, in fact his speech seems very advanced (I am convinced that he has benefitted from the Makaton, language games etc but that is another story!) and that is really helping her come on too. He adores her (of course) and altho I sometimes worry that his life is arranged around hers and the (sometimes) special demands of her life, that is to some extent the same in all families. But to conclude, I think you make the best of whatever you end up gap-wise, and if like me you are a hostage to m/c and age, you just get on with it!

Thanks all for such a lovely cheery thread you have really lightened my grim day at work!!

Sorry forgot to ask Thomcat if you are on, when is your feature running in Eve mag? Desperate to see you both!