School mum being a total bitch to dd :-(

[Lolaismyfavouriteandmybest]

Dd has being having problems with one of her friends, they are 7, and as the social rules are becoming more complicated dd is struggling, the mum knows dd has ASD and I thought we were friends, so when dd kept coming home saying things like X has pushed me over in the playground, X has broken my glasses, X has been calling me names, I sent X's mum a non judgemental message saying dd is very upset, could she find out X's side of things so I can help dd cope better.

The mum first phoned me up and had a complete go at me, then she showed my message to all the mums in the playground and told everyone I am making up lies about X (I can't get into school to put anything straight as I work 9-5) I did talk to the school and they talked to dd but she did not for whatever reason tell them the things she told me about X's behaviour. She told me she likes X and didn't want to get her into trouble.

Dd and I talked about what she could do to cope better with X's hot and cold friendship. she is dd's best friend one minute and mean to her the next minute, which is confusing for a rigid thinking aspie with poor social skills! (she is like this with everyone not just dd, she's one of the most popular kids so can pick who she wants as her friend) and dd chose to cool off the friendship a little and work on other friendships. X then latched on to dd's long standing best friend Y and was very blatant about excluding dd. (as is her mum) Y still comes over but is very keen to talk about all the cool stuff she does with X now.

Despite all this X and dd still want to be friends so I invited X to play after school (something that used to happen most weeks) but X is always "busy" yesterday dd asked X's mum at school in front of lots of other parents if X was allowed to come and play, the mum got quite flustered by all accounts but said of course she was allowed and fixed a date for tomorrow. I've just checked that it's still OK and mum has "forgotten" and is having a tea for Y at her house instead. Dd is going to be very upset tomorrow when I have to tell her. :(

Part of me wants to have a Facebook rant and then unfriendly the bitch mum from hell but I know that wouldn't help. It's my poor handling of this with mum which kicked all this off (I'm also an aspie)
Will probably have to face her on Friday tho at school event. Am so cross as I bent over backwards to be nice to this bitch when she was going through a bad patch, we've provided child are for X to help her out and I thought she was a friend.

Anyway, thanks for reading this, Advice appreciated but not expected. Just needed to get it off my chest as I have no one I can talk about it with in real life.

I spent ages with DS talking about kindness at that age. He now chooses friends based on what he perceives to be their kindness to others. (e.g he'll never befriend the boy who he sees being being mean to a younger child now).

He still can't make that distinction about he is treated, but teaching him to observe how the object of his interest treats others seems to work. The ideal time of year for this is the summer as you can sit with a cuppa and your child at the playground playing people watch, but the refreshment areas near soft play areas do too in a pinch.

I'm pretty willing to bet that your daughter will pick up on what I mean if she sits and watches this little madam a few times playing with other people.

DS of course wants others to think that he is kind so tries (but doesn't always quite succeed!) to be kind to others himself. Demonstrating kindness is an ongoing skill for him to learn from the obvious (take turns, get adult help if a friend is bleeding etc, etc) to the subtle (DON'T comment that the lady on the bus has a beard!).

It's a very crude form of discrimination but to be fair DS does seem to make some lovely friends, & avoid the NT pfb monster types, so I'd say it's mostly working. (He's 9).

I couldn't work out any other way of teaching a child who might repeat what I'd said at the most inappropriate times how to protect himself from the worst of playground politics.

I never invited a child round whose mother hadn't grown out of playground politics either, no matter how much DS liked them - those friendships I encouraged to whither on the vine. (Mostly cos I still have to go on playdates with DS, and who on earth wants to spend several hours with someone so immature & petty making small talk?). I learned myself the hard way that parents who were racist eventually passed that on to their kids, and I think the same is true of disabilities - a bigot is a bigot.

There is one problem with people watching, I'm blind and dd is partially sighted . Which is why she misses a lot of social cues.

I guess I feel so sad about this as I thought X's mum wasn't one of the juvenile ones with a pfb. But we've established I'm a poor judge of character. And dd is my pfb (and worse, my only!)

And yes, my biggest headache right now is helping dd get through tomorrow without saying anything about X's mum that she will repeat to X or Y and drop me in it with

Kindness is a theme you can pick up on in stories and films.

Sounds like the girl takes after her mother. No advice, but I'm so sorry that your DD is victim to this. I will say though, that since the mum is being such a bitch, it's probably worth talking to school about your concerns, since the incidents are happening in their care.

The worst thing is that dd is forever telling me that she needs to be friends with X as X is always crying because people are being unkind (back) to her. When I tried to talk to X's mum it was out of concern for BOTH kids, but it seems that X is perfect so any problems must be caused by dd.....

Ouryve - funnily enough that's exactly what we said when it all kicked off..... Very easy to see where she gets it from

Thanks zzzz, I know I'm taking it awfully personally. I'm feeling sad to my bones about telling dd tomorrow, even though I know that showing dd it's something to get upset about is the worst thing I could do. (trying to get it out of my system tonight)

I've done all those things though to be fair,

And dd bless her is finding friends Z K and Q....

Thanks.

I've recently lost a friendship because of the way the other parent treated my 7 y/o dd on the playground - and I don't care btw because the other woman was a total bitch, as witnessed by other parents, and acted in a way no adult should towards a child. My DD is still friends with the other child, which I encouraged her to be because a) that way my child does not put herself in the wrong in the eyes of the school and b) the issue between me and the other parent is an adult problem and I don't want her caught in the cross fire. She knows I support her, that she did no wrong and the other parent is 100% to blame. Try, if you can, to help your DD separate the issues here - she had/has a problem with the other child's behaviour but you have a problem with the mother and they are not the same issue. Hard for any child to understand, but probably harder for your DD because of her ASD.

I don't think there is any way to deal with these things which can guarantee an easy outcome.

Stress to your daughter that she can still be friends with someone but doesn't have to put up with nasty behaviour. Help her learn the ways in which she can be kind but assertive.
Find out from the school what play ground supervision there is and help your DD identify the teacher on duty and give her the language cues to help her explain problems.
Speak to the school. Tell them what has happened, how you dealt with it and what has now happened with the other mother. You mention several problems she has had with this other child. You could be getting to the point (if the things are not simply accidents or the other child being a little poor in her own social skills/friendship management) where you and the school need to consider if bullying is going on.
Don't assume that other parents who have seen the text will automatically condem what you did. If your child is having a problem with this kid, so most likely are others!

Ask the school to be vigilant, both with your DD playing with this child and in general.
She is getting older and it may be that her social difficulties because of the ASD are going to make it less easy for her to 'fit in'. Does she get any support to help her with social communications at school?
Consider whether you want/need to speak to the other mother. Even if you did somehow miscommunicate in your text to her, she has acted in a very childish and unpleasant way (possibly explaining why her own child is also not so good at being a friend). You don't need people like that in your life anyway. As long as the incident does not cause problems on a wider scale (e.g. other parents telling their children to stay away from your little girl) then try to ignore the other woman's behaviour as much as you can. Do think what you want to say if she raises it with you (so you can react calmly and rationally), but other wise I would let it die.

"Walk away" has always been my mantra when people are horrid from early childhood (I experienced what I now understand to be some awful racism from staff as well as children at primary school). It's stood me in good stead throughout life as I find my energy is expended on those individuals that are truly worth my time! (The ONLY exception to my "walk away" rule has been those dam fool caring carrots, as when I once myself in a nasty work environment I found another job asap!)

I honestly wouldn't bother speaking to the other Mum - never feed a drama llama as it only gives her something to twist when she repeats the convo you have to others. Deffo encourage your child to make other friends as it's not emotionally healthy to be too dependent on one individual. It's horrid for a child if their ONLY friend moves away from the area or is off sick for a month etc. Also children need to learn to get along with as wide a range of personality types as possible if they can.

It's a message I passed onto DS that has been a singular factor in his ability to make friends despite his ASD traits. He just doesn't get wrapped up in nastiness or playground politics but praises kindness wherever he finds it in that particularly BLUNT asd way. Other kids seem to really appreciate it and remember his previous praise when he cocks up socially, it seems to make them more forgiving of his quirks iykwim.

We are doing a whole unit for literacy at the moment based on Aesops fables. These get across lots of social "rules" in a very nice format if you have a child that likes animals. (DS has decided to stay away from kids that act like a fox lol!).

Love boch's phrase "Never feed a drama llama" . With ds, a combination of the zzz and boch approaches means we have some 'real' friends and some quite-supportive-but-slightly-detached families. I just avoid talking to the havent a clue pfb 11+ tutor rest. I'm polishing my "gotta-go" quick smile, just in case I'm wrong about some people.

I find it harder with siblings though. Ds's issues in KS1 were obvious so the catsbum-face-parents of older dc still stay out of my way. But Dd (NT with quirks) wants a new friend over next week. Given our family is unlikely to pass any pfb-suitability test, I really hope my first impression of the mum is wrong.