Single parenting and ADHD/ASD

[veryconfused2]

I have name changed for this. I have found myself in a terrible position as my partner has basically been cross dressing and chatting to gay men behind my back for 2 years plus.

My biggest concern in this is my DS who is nearly 8, in terms of how a potential relationship breakdown would affect him. He has bad ADHD and aspergers, is just about manageable but as he gets bigger I am frightened of if I could manage him on my own tbh, especially as his meds are already on a high dose (55mg Ritalin) so nowhere to go with increasing dose really. We are working hard on behavioural therapy but the reality is that the meds are a prerequisite to the behavioural therapy even being attemptable.

On the one hand, my partner is great with DS and brings stability to his life but on the other hand I am fuming with him and feel empty about our relationship.

I am struggling to weigh up the balance of an overall easy life with my partner but not fulfilling or being on my own with DS.

I am scared of disrupting DS's good progress, failing him and managing him on my own. And practical details such as I work from home but have to work occasional evenings and how will I find a child carer for him.

Also, I would be heavily dependent on benefits related to his disabilities (tax credits , DLA etc) and very little salary so how would I manage if he got put into a residential school and that income was lost.

I am massively overthinking this but just want some perspective on the reality of being a single parent to a child with a high level of need. At the back of my mind is am I better just to make the best of my relationship and put the problems to one side or to make a fresh start

You don't have to be together to co-parent!

If your partner moves out then his responsibilities to his child do not go away. A really strict routine of when he takes sole responsibility for the child can be put in place fairly simply. Make darn sure he does a couple of complete weekends alone every month as a minimum(so you can get some sleep, do the housework & rest - eventually you may want to date a bit too).

There is no reason at all why he can't cover your occasional evenings at work either. The important thing is that he doesn't say he'll see the child and then not bother - a promise has to be rock solid.

In your shoes I'd split, simply because I've found I can parent well alone, but I cannot deal with the levels of BS from other sources I could cope with without batting an eyelid prior to DS iyswim. Personally I couldn't handle the level of BS your partner has dumped in your lap emotionally and keep going in the same house. He'd have to take that nonsense elsewhere, well out my sight & mind for me to continue parenting effectively.

Part of the problem is he is my husband's stepson not biological son but I still feel he has an obligation to spend time with him and also for DS to have contact with his step siblings.

I have found I am more focused on DS since this but the ADHD especially is so hard to deal with. I am worried that I won't be able to physically control him as he gets bigger. At the moment he is very hyperactive. He is on a behavioural programme but getting him to apply it in the heat of the moment is very hard