Feeling sad for my 4yo daughter

[confuddledDOTcom]

My daughter was born at 35 weeks following 11 weeks of contractions (proper drugged up ones, not BH). She had IUGR and was in a stand off with the doctors whether they would bring her out before I went into proper labour. She won. She has been fairly typical of an IUGR baby and whilst I did try to get some help for things - hypermobility and her speech mostly - I wasn't too worried. Then her sister who is 2.5 years younger started to over take her in things. I first noticed before the younger one was a year old and started saying "hiya" where as her sister couldn't say it as clear.

We had a rubbish nursery back then, they weren't supportive of helping her and they treated her like the baby she looked like, so deliberately moved her to a nursery school for preschool so that she would be treated like her age and encouraged more. About 18 months ago she had an assessment with ENT/ max fax to make sure there was no physical reason for her speech delays, she has a very slight hearing loss but it was the very last sound they tried she didn't hear so they weren't worried. About a year ago she had a SALT assessment and we were told she has expressive speech delay. Since then her doctors have said they thought she is autistic. Just before the SALT assessment she had a bad blockage in her bowels which took a lot of laxatives to shift and it's left her unable to control her poo and she has had to go back into nappies.

Nursery called the people she'd been referred to and said she didn't need an assessment, there's nothing wrong with her, she never falls over, she doesn't need nappies (they keep putting her in pants then sending home three or four sets of clothes and she's wearing odd socks or boys clothes, despite us sending in prescription pull ups and if she doesn't she has poo dried onto her) her speech is fine she just won't talk to adults... They got a BTEC SALT student to assess her so they know she's fine!

The school have offered her a place but won't take her because she doesn't have SEN in place and they need someone who's job it is to change her nappy, plus one to one because she's got an attachment disorder too and to support her speech.

A couple of weeks ago she had another SALT assessment (the wait is so long they're reassessing everyone to see if they need to be on the list) and when she was taken back to nursery they said they didn't care, nothing to do with them, tell the school etc.

So this week we were relieved that finally she had the ed phsyc appointment! But guess what? they work for the nursery so all they did was trot out nursery lines. They said that she doen't even have a paediatrician, so we said "well actually, she has five, would you like the contact details?" "It's too late for that now" "Well we can provide you with copies of all her reports instead if that would help?" "Well, that's very kind of you, but it's too late now and I don't have time for it" and without even looking at my daughter she has been given a clean bill of health, flying colours and we've been told to put her in pants. (You did get that the pull ups were prescribed by the incontinence team, right? So you can see why we can't just "put her back in pants" like the ed phsyc seems to think we can?)

It's her birthday just after Christmas and we still have no plan for going to school. I feel so sad for her. It broke her heart to be told she'd be leaving her beloved teacher then she had induction, she got wet so the school found her a spare uniform and she was so excited to wear her sister's uniform and go to school with her and she didn't understand why she had to go back to nursery and none of her friends were there. (Oh and you know I mentioned she has an attachment disorder?)

I really hate myself that I didn't notice she had problems sooner and push for things sooner. I knew she was typical IUGR so I wrote some of it off as that and my eldest was the sort of child that one day talked in full sentences and went from being a baby to being 5 - so I knew she wasn't a reliable yard stick!

Sorry for writing an essay, I'm feeling so sad and angry at the moment and needed to get it out somewhere.

Hi confuddled welcome welcome sounds to me as though there needs to be a comprehensive overhaul of her provision. But you can definitely do this don't worry about what has happened before, just take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other now.

I would suggest your first port of call is to apply for statutory assessment of educational needs from your LEA. Do this today. As Polter says look on the IPSEA website for a template letter. Then get to work finding a new nursery ASAP. Because your dd needs a nursery that will meet her needs and support assessments. Stick on this board for handholding and more practical advice.

I agree with everything the others have said but wanted to add that the nursery have no right to take her out of pull ups without your permission and if you do decide to give it a try they need to be able to guarantee that someone will take her to the toilet regularly enough to give her at least a vague chance of staying dry.

No wonder you are fed up and angry, your Dd's needs are clearly not being met and she deserves better.

Get your parental request for statutory assessment in asap and go and look at other settings for her.

Good luck

she's five in January, she's already supposed to be in school. my phone is dying so I'll come back layer.

It sounds hard but I try not to look back if I can. You can only change the future not the past. Do you have any state funded nursary near you? Sure start? When does she start school? Sorry if you have already said - if it's into year one in September I would try to get her into a state nursary if There is any way you can. That's the best chance of getting provision in place before school as sure start nursery are the most experienced in that area. Sounds like anything to convince current setting is just banging your head against a wall. You could try stay and play groups or just one session a week or anything where some clued up staff can observe her.

I'm back on my pc.

She should already be in reception and has a place but they're not currently equipped to handle her and can't be until she's assessed. Although we really don't want her at that nursery we don't want to confuse her, especially if they're right that she has an attachment disorder and when it's going to hopefully be a very short time. We did think about not sending her at all but she's enjoying being with other children and will get bored at home.

I've made a note of everything everyone says we can do and will look at it this week. I feel totally lost, I'm fortunate that my parents went through it before me (although a longer drawn out process with them finally getting a shrug when my brother was 16 and "he's probably got aspergers but he's too old now to worry about it") and then my brother with two of his sons as they have noticed things aren't right with her.

We do think that autism is a possibility, but I don't think it's (not sure how to phrase it) really bad if she has. She is a bright kid, but she's more like her 2yo sister in her behaviour and speech, often her sister is ahead of her.

Potter - the incontinence clinic wrote a strongly worded letter to the HT and said that under the DDA she can't refuse her a place based on incontinence. They already have 3 or 4 other SEN children in her year (single classes each year) so they feel without knowing what she needs they aren't able to support her.

It occurred to us this week (which we feel awful about) if she had poo dried on her, she wasn't being taken for a wee either. She's only bowel incontinent, after the serious constipation (4 days of mooing like a labouring woman) when we brought her back down off the Movicol she blocked up again, so we tried just 5ml of lactulose and she went runny. There's no middle ground with her, she's either on nothing and blocked or takes something and runs. But she is still capable of going for a wee. They should be taking her to the toilet for wees and to change her if she's pooed. We keep telling them not to do it but they're still doing it and making us wash their clothes that they have to put her in.

My parents picked her up from school one day last week and put her clothes in the wash. Mum showed me today what she meant by odd socks. One was a boys Thomas sock that would fit my 11 month old, the other was a ladies grey trainer sock.

This is totally confusing. They wouldn't let her in reception because they can't meet her needs, but she has a 'clean bill of health' from the ed psych and you just need to stick her back in pants and everything will be alright? They are making no sense at all. Either they are so concerned they can't offer her a school place until she has been assessed or they aren't. What is the ed psych's plan? I would be inclined to call the Ep team and ask for clarification from the principal EP about whether it is acceptable to say your DD has no needs and make no plan when school have alreday kept her down out of her age cohort. Tell them you are confused and don't understand the process because it seemed like the EP wasn't planning on doing anything more but you are sure this can't be right. I suspect they are thinking along 'infantilising parent' as DD is back in nappies, so I would offer to send proof to EPS about the reasons why she is back in nappies and I would also request a JOINT health and education meeting as it seems like the services are working in isolation, one side making decisions that the other side ignores. I hope you can get this sorted but I do think you need to get EVERYONE round a table so they are all singing from the same hymnsheet.

The paediatricians she's seen have all said they think she is autistic and that she has needs that she will need help with at school. She's under the incontinence team and has a prescription for nappies. School have seen all of these and have said they aren't able to take her without an assessment.

The nursery are refusing to accept any of it and saying we're making it all up. The nursery HT approached the school HT at a meeting and introduced herself and told her that we're not happy with her (school)! School HT said she gave her what-for and said it was her we're not happy with and that's causing all the issues.

The Ed Psych worked for the nursery and just repeated everything they'd told her. Haven't spoken to the school or any of the paeds and saying it's too late to do so now and she's closing the case, she won't even read the reports we have from all her paed teams.

We're going to try and get someone independent of the nursery to see her now.

The school has been great, the HT called meetings during the summer on the pretext of discussing other things then would go "Right, now Mini-Fud, we need to do something about this" as her hands are tied whilst she isn't a pupil. I know she'd do it all herself if she could and she's feeling very frustrated about it, she kept apologising for swearing when she was telling us about the other HT.