dp seriously ill

[davidsotherhalf]

dp was treated for cancer in the summer, he was told there was a 90% chance it would come back over the next 2-3 yrs but would attack lungs, and with this form of cancer it would be terminal, after finishing treatment last time they did a scan and found it in his lung.... I have spent weeks trying to explain it to dd been very gentle and answered questions if I could. been very truthful with her.
we bumped into dp friends wife last week, we hadn't seen her for nearly a year, she asked how dp was before I could answer dd said he's got cancer and he's going to die.....she gave dd a hug and said the doctors will treat him and he will be better for Christmas.....dd is so angry she thinks I lied to her, I told her I haven't lied to her but she gets even angrier as that means someones lied to her and she can't figure out who, she don't know who to trust now, dp has tried talking to her but dd shuts down and won't listen. I know dd isn't a child anymore she was 20 last month, but didn't know where to post as she's got asd, apd, ptsd, epilepsy, and other stuff, dd just keeps trying to hit me if I try and talk to her now.....I feel like i'm propping everyone up and i'm buckling under the pressure....

I'm so sorry to hear about your DP. And last thing you need is well meaning look on the bright side types confusing your DD further. Is there anyway what this woman said could be recast as your DPhaving some treatment that will hopefully let him feel better (i.e. more comfortable) for Xmas, ie that the woman wasn't actually lying?

Are you or your DP getting any specialist nurse/MacMillan support, help re claiming any further benefits he might be entitled to?

it must be very difficult for you having to deal with so much x would your daughter consider counselling? maybe being able to talk about it with someone outside of the family may help but that would I guess depend if she felt able to do this. what support is there for you as well?

So sorry to hear your news. Has your husband been allocated a macmillan nurse - they should be able to sign post help for all the family. My ds's found it very difficult when I was treated for cancer last year mainly because of the changes of routine I think. I was lucky that my cancer was treatable but ds1 honestly believed the chemotherapy was not necessary (and just an irritation to him) because we had told him the cancer had gone so she may have lots of misconceptions about your husbands illness. Lots of the cancer charities have booklets for discussing cancer with children or family and it might help to download some of these and discuss it with her. The 'tamoxifen' thread in general health is a support thread for those dealing with cancer (mainly breast cancer but others as well and they are very welcoming) and they might have some other useful ideas.

dd got refused counciling and treatment for her ptsd because of her asd, i'm still fighting for her to get help, I spoke to Macmillan last week but I don't think they understand asd, dp has hospital appointment tomorrow but dd is refusing to go with us as she can't cope with waiting rooms and lots of noise and people,(she still has meltdowns) i'm going to ask for booklets from the macmillan centre and see if she will read them, (unsure if this will confuse her more)
as for me I've had to be cruel and cut my grown up sons out...(i'm a bad mum) xh was getting my sons to visit so they would report back to him and cause trouble....ie: cancel appointments, changed my address with social services...list goes on and on.....so i'm on my own struggling with dd 24/7....she can't visit her dad as he's abusive towards her...(comes home with black eyes etc)....been trying to get hold of sw for 5 weeks now but she's never in the office, I leave messages but she don't get back to me. i'll try winstons wish. thanks everyone xx

So sorry and so with your stupid 'friend'. Agree winston's wish are amazing. Would also suggest try again with Macmillan. They might not understand ASD, but they'll no doubt be very used to dementia, brain tumours, mental illness, people having hallucinations on steroids etc. If you can explain the autism clearly (NAS handouts?) they will have at least one team member capable of 'getting it'. Your family doctor might also be useful, especially if your dd knows and trusts them.

Ultimately, if now she has
the doctors will treat him and he will be better for Christmas
in her head, it's probably firmly stuck, and anything you say will just make you the bad liar again. Fastest way back to attack lungs, and with this form of cancer it would be terminal may be someone medical (ie not you alone, and perhaps with support from the dozy ex-friend) telling her the whole truth, simply and clearly. Which even for terminal care, could still include the drs will treat him as they're not going to do nothing at all: palliative care is still 'treatment', albeit without cure in mind. Could better by Christmas become feeling a bit better by Christmas?

Macmillan nurses are especially good at putting a rocket up social services ar**s & making them do something useful. IME they seem to take particular pleasure in outwitting the pen-pushers.

can't cope with waiting rooms and lots of noise and people

Macmillan nurse may be able to fix this. They could arrange future follow-up apptointments somewhere nicer eg at the local hospice, or else make him first on the list / somewhere private to wait etc. They usually have a home visiting offshoot as well

If soc serv get a call from the school/ GP / hospital saying dd isn't doing well, it carries much more weight than you saying it.

There's often a Macmillan social worker (usually charity funded & independent of the LA) and they are always fantastically kind, competent & tenacious at getting services to work properly for 'their' families