Other people's opinions on parenting sn children

[2boysnamedR]

I don't know why but everything that everyone says to me gets my back up and insults me.

My friends latest topic is pushing ds out if his comfort zone. I'm all for this in small steps that he can cope with within his limits. I'm being told I am being negative and setting him to fail as that's what I expect of him. But he is dyspraxic. The whole point of being dyspraxic is that it limits some of your abilities in some ways or you would be adverage nt person. Before I have been told I will make him have asd if I treat him like he has asd ( that was what I though was wrong before his dx). But I don't believe that as your born that way - again I find that irritating

What's wrong with saying "it's ok to be dyspraxic? It's ok your not the best at balance or writing or any motor control stuff" but your good at xyz. Improve motor skills of course but its never going to be fantastic.

Like all he needs is more encouragement and I could normalise him. I don't want to normalise him because its not curable and that attitude to me makes me think its not ok for him to be who he is. Like if I shout at him enough to try harder his muscle proteins will correct and his brain will re wire

But everything most people say gets me on the defense these days. I find that I can't tolerate talking to anyone about my ds as everyone says something that gets my back up. I avoid talking about his condition now not because I'm ashamed but because people just don't agree with me.

I guess I am seeing a lot of asd in myself - or everyone is wrong but I am right. Or everyone as I suspect is totally ignorant to sn. I am going to fall out with all my friends at this rate.

2boys you have all my sympathy. I too have a DS who has SN - (in his case, it is ASD). What you say is true - 'everyone as I suspect is totally ignorant to SN'. This is why it is so hurtful to us when our so-called friends say thoughtless / ill-informed things which simply show how little they actually know about having a child with SN. They haven't walked in our shoes, how can they know? Most of these people generally have little imagination and less empathy, and are too quick to judge others unhelpfully, so complacent are they in their own DC's 'normality'. They haven't had their characters developed through the same struggle and pain. They would never believe that (just maybe) they could learn something from us.

There are just a few rare individuals who don't have SN children themselves, but who are able to empathise, and manage to grasp a little of what it is like to be us. I met one today; she is a midwife so has some medical experience, and is also just a really nice compassionate person. I do hope you meet someone like this soon to encourage you. Such people are a breath of fresh air.

Don't despair. It is tough having a child with SN. But in my braver moments I'm hoping it is making me also a kinder, better, more, less judgemental person. So, in a way, it is a kind of gift, too. What a nasty world it would be if most people were perfect.

Hiya, tbh I have dropped a few friends, or distanced myself and become too busy to see them. One in particular doesn't have a clue but thinks she is an expert on everything. The day she got down on her hands and knees explaining into my son's face why he needed to share with her toddler. My son had no functional speech and very little comprehension at that stage, the more she banged on the louder he screamed. She also used to bang on about all these big, exciting places she was taking her kids to and how he might be better if I did this. She didn't realise that I had gradually withdrawn from things, having had so many bad and dangerous experiences with him. Now he is a bit older, I am getting a bit braver and challenging him (and myself) more to do things and get out. But that's because things have got a bit easier, he has better speech and comprehension and some (not much!) ability to control his impulses. So I feel a little bit safer. Having done some courses, I now have a bit more confidence about what I can achieve with him but I am taking it slowly. It's a very lonely path to walk sometimes, but the only things that counts for me is my son (and my other child of course). Meeting other parents with SN children helps too. Luckily I already had some friends in a similar boat. Maybe you could arrange to meet your friend away from the children and steer the conversation to other topics?

Pushing a child with dyspraxia too far out of their comfort zone could in some cases cause them to have a serious accident so tell your friend to back off as he/she isn't the one who'll be doing therun to A&E. (Thinking of playgrounds, sports, climbing frames etc).

Honestly if people don't want to help then they need to get the hell out of your way! We've worked out my late Dad was dyspraxic/dyslexic with several prominent AS traits yet he came to the UK to go to Oxford and then the LSE. Hardly one of life's failures as very few NY kids make it to the Olympic team or the premier division. His handwriting was truly appalling yet he was fluent/literate in five languages including Arabic.

It's so important to our kids that someone, somewhere accepts them exactly as they are. I think our role as parents is to give them the courage to deal with their disabilities and to gently encourage them to find a path in life that is open to them, and that they'll enjoy.

Noone knows your child better than you do, and unless your friend is a qualified OT then you need to tell em to back off. DS can now do stuff I thought would be impossible for him 2 years ago, but it's the result of a tailored physical therapy programme. "Friends" don't see the sobbing as he tries so hard to master a new exercise, or the sheer joy when after 6 months he finally gets a new skill (finally walking a figure of 8 was a major deal in this house!).

DS tries so hard, but outsiders don't see that, it's easier to slag off my parenting cos he hasn't quite mastered using cutlery properly yet. I don't give a stuff, as in another year or two he'll get there.

If a child's own Mum won't support him who will? All you'll end up with is a kid who is still dyspraxic but now has a secondary mental health problem like depression to deal with as well. Developing the hide of a rhino seems to be a specific SN parenting skill they just don't cover on these caring carrot parenting courses, yet so many of us need it!

wonderful posts from everyone already, so barely need to add a thing. Basically this is not an ASD trait in you to be irked by "helpful" advice, but a completely rational response to counterproductive positive stylee type thinking.c

I'd be cheering you on, zzzzz

And agreeing with bochead about safety. I tend not to get comments to my face (apparently, I'm scary) but I'm having to work on building my rhino hide back up as I've resigned myself to putting DS2 back in his buggy - at 7.5. Everyone is calmer and happier and safer on the school walk, as a result, but people think very loudly. (And even DS1 is safer - he got so fed up of DS2's crying and sitting on the ground, the other week, that he stormed off ahead and walked all the way home, by himself).

Ouryve I'm cheering you on my dd2 is four but I have to use a buggy for he as she either flops or runs off out the house .i really don't care what other people think

Oh ffs, every minute of daily experience can be out of the comfort zone of some children with SEN.

Sorry all feeling grumpy this morning as on Friday got treated to mil telling me yet again about some child who is far worse than dd2 and who is going to mainstream .massive yawn from me we had this a year ago when choosing schools

We managed to get him out of it and walking to school and back, apart from when he was ill or the ground was icy, when he was in reception, autumn. By the end, we were struggling to keep him in it. He's in year 3 now. Juniors. This year, he's rejected his harness, which has meant hand holding, which he hates even more (it hurts both of us, hence the harness!), added an increasing number of rituals, that must be adhered to, to the journey and spent more and more time sitting and refusing to budge - or worse, trying to run into the road. He was getting so distressed that we had no choice. Not being able to go to Lumiere because i was so sore from trying to get him home after a halfway meltdown was the last straw.

Of course, the average passer by has no idea of our back story and just sees a large child, in a pushchair, chanting, babbling and squealing.

DS2 is in mainstream, btw, autumn :o. He has full time 1:1, his own learning area and completely individualised timetable and - sorry to disappoint your MIL - most definitely does not sit down and learn about the Tudors or Sikhism with the rest of his class.

Ouryve love it on here we have made decisions that we believe are best for our children . We don't need to be undermined by others .in the case of mil it's denial dd2 Beeing at sp sch means she can no longer pretend she's not autistic

buggies - GRRR. a particular bug bear that a child over 3 in a buggy is seen as inferior parenting, where as a child over 3 in a buggy because they go by car everywhere is seen as superior parenting.

2boys I have turned into a hermit over this past couple of years because of this, sadly it's my family that annoy me the most and I can't give them the boot

You need to learn the art of selective hearing it works a treat, I learned from the best...my Ds Although still have moments when I struggle to ignore!

Until they are in your Ds's shoes they will never know. They will never begin to understand how much work/planning/effort/frustration goes into doing the smallest daily activities for our SN Dc, there will be some who will listen and accept, then there will be the ones who always know best.

Chin up! Deep breath........sod em!

Love the idea of turning a conversation around from talking about my child's difficulties and my parenting to talking about THEIR child's deficits and THEIR pareting.....

ha ha ha

Every child , has there moments . People are too quick to judge . Normal children aren't saints either. We all have our strengths and weakness , it's what makes us individuals . Heard my child say this to priest once , when he asked why he hadn't chosen the same communion name as very other boy in his class . But I'm an individual. Loved it , so did his headmaster , could see him having a sly snigger in the corner.

Oooh, what was it homework?

Yes family are annoying. My sister (on a very rare visit) was tickling my son and making him laugh (if she knew anything about him she would know there is nothing unusual about that) and kept looking at across at me with a triumphant smile while my mother looked on in raptures. It took all my restraint to not jump out my chair and yell, He's cured! lol. twerps.

I hate this. I either ignore or give them a taste of my wrath!

The worst is that 'push them out of their comfort zone' 'just make him and he'll learn' Oh do F off!

The comfort zone one gets to me the most though, I have also heard parents of children with ASD saying it to. I have to bite my tongue/sit on my hands.

Every other child picked Steven or Gerard . My son chose Solomon .

Another one is 'but he'll have to do it someday won't he?'

Um no probably not, this doesn't go away when they grow up you idiot!

It means peace in Hebrew , he told the nuns from school this , that people are to intolerant of each other , and we should respect everyone as cause isn't that what Jesus is teaching us , and wouldn't the world be a nicer place. The nun had to come up and tell me at mass on sundry , think she couldn't wait to see me.
He is known to come out with things at times . No always this good though , there was the time in a restaurant , that he said the person on next table was big, ask what gay mean't . Everyone always seem to stop and wait for your answers.

That's really lovely homework!