I really need lots of opinions on this!

[Ineedmorepatience]

I was going to NC for this but decided to just be a bit vague instead.

Dd3 is involved with an activity outside school. She is talented in the activity and had to audition to be involved. The group she is with are entering national competitions.

However recently she has been saying she doesnt want to go and I dont know what to do

If she leaves she wont be invited back and I am not in the business of forcing her to go, I have to force her to school so am not going down that road.

If she stays she gets to travel to different venue with a large group of other children and take part in competitions and concerts.

This morning I wrote lots of positive and negative words in a piece of paper and asked her to circle the ones she feels while doing the activity (she has massive problems with exoressing her emotions)

She circled Stressful, lonely and sad
And after some discussion proud and acheivement

I am really struggling with this and need help to sort out my own feelings about it. I really thought it would be good for her and now feel bad that she isnt enjoying it and also that we are going to be letting other people down if she gives up.

Sorry this is so long but I really need help and didnt want to drip feed.

For anyone that doesnt know Dd3 has Asd and Spd and is 11.

Sorry for the typos!

This is I think one of the hardest things about being a parent of a child with these kinds of disabilities.

How is she immediately after the activity?

DS does something that he swears he hates and the fuss and bother to get him there makes me want to give up, but after the activity he always comes bounding out with a huge smile on his face and (rare for him), a comment about what he did. I figured that his reluctance is based on anxiety before the activity (which I am closely watching) and the general issues with transitions i.e. leaving the house and all he likes there i.e the ipad.

I have decided for now, that I'll make him go, because managing his anxiety is something he needs to practice and doing so for and in an activity that he appears to enjoy is overall, a better place to do that.

Having said that, I waver from week to week, because I absolutely don't want to send him on a path of increased anxiety either, and especially not one where he feels powerless or helpless to change or control. But he's still fairly young so I might get away with it for a bit.

I was just about to answer... but would say exactly what star has. I do take ds for all the same reasons. He is only 5.9 though.

I figure that the feeling of pure joy he feels when doing the various activities will eventually negate the anxiousness he feels initially.

Pressed too soon.

If she really appears to be enjoying it once there, it is probably all about similar feelings beforehand so I would try to strike a deal with her to continue and repeat the pros/cons exercise with her in a months time, ensuring that she understands if she quits there's no going back again, if that's that case.

If after the month she really is adamant she doesn't want to go anymore I guess you can't force her.

Polter Thankyou as always for your words of wisdom, I will attempt to engage her in further discussions after lunch.

You are right of course, its not life and death and it is the perfect oportunity for her to make a choice.

star and minion (she would love your name btw) I get what you are saying and have felt like that myself. She is so high and excited when they do well in a competition but gets very anxious before.

She also struggles with the coach but that is easily solved if I go with them and take her in the car.

I havent thrown in the towel yet and will see how we get on in further discussions.

Thanks for not telling me to stop being stupid

And that does worry me polter because she is very compliant and I could "make" her go if I ignored all the fuss and just drove there I am pretty sure she would continue to get out of the car and go in.

But.... what if she really does genuinly hate it and its not just that she would rather be watching Tracy Beaker?

Dd2 who is NT would just say a flat out no and refuse to go, which was easier in a way.

I darent delve too deeply into my childhood to be honest as there are too many dark places there

Well she has definitley made a decision, She wouldnt engage with the pros and cons idea, she got upset and just kept saying she doesnt want to go.

I feel more positive though because she was able at least to identify the emotions around going.

I will take this forward, I am going to laminate a sheet with emotion words on and try to use it with her to label her feelimgs for a range of events etc.

I will ask the leaders of the group if she could re audition when she is older if she feels like she wants to.

Thanks for your help

Are you certain (as far as you can be) that there isn't a specific thing that is worrying her about some part of it, rather than the activity as a whole?

I ask because today DD3 (4.7) said that she didn't want to go to gymnastics. I couldn't believe my ears - last week I had to convince her to stay home when she was feeling really quite poorly. She was adamant that she really didn't want to do gymnastics ever again. Not ever. I told her she would lose her place. That they would give it away, etc.

A lot of discussion and negotiation later, it turns out that her leotard is pinching under the arms (she's grown and has seams issues anyway) and the t-shirt and shorts she had on just felt odd. I told her we'd buy a new leotard and she agreed to go.

We got there, bought a new leotard and she went in happy as Larry.

I don't know what the activity is, but could you try breaking down the activity into it's component parts and figure out which 'bad' bit is overpowering the 'good' bits?

I don't think you can stop the stressful, but perhaps you could do some work with the other children / group leader to help with the lonely and sad?

Could you do some ASD training etc at the group / with the other children?

I suspect many of the other children also find competitions etc stressful. Could the group talk about that so she knows its not just her?

Agnes I have spoken to the group leaders about finding her a buddy in the past but they didnt. There Asd awareness should be better but also Dd3 masks her difficulties and holds it together when away from home which makes it tricky for them.

lougle We have spoken about specifics this week but either she isnt saying or she cant say I dont know which. She just knows she doesnt like it and tbh if she feels lonely, sad and stressed I dont really feel inclined to fight it.

I think we will chalk this one up to experience, she is loving scouts at the moment so she isnt sitting at home every evening!

Aahh I just used the wrong there sorry, that should have been their Asd awareness

Sounds as if the group haven’t been supportive enough, but as you say, better to chalk it up to experience. Some groups have too much focus on competitive success and not enough on the needs of the kids in the group.

But good for your DD for trying and getting a place!

Are there any other local groups, perhaps non-competitive ones, which involve a similar activity?

Thanks kleinzeit I think you are right, the focus has gone off the children and on to winning.

She gave it a good go anyway.Its one less mad dash after school anyway

And yes in theory there is somewhere else she could go but I am going to give her a break for a bit.