Do you get the feeling ...Is my child really autistic or did I just mess things up by being a bad parent?

[WorriedDad23]

I often get the vibe from other people that I/we are bad parents who doesn't know how to raise a kid when my son kicks off with his tantrums in public. Because of that I start thinking and questioning my self... "Did I just mess my kid up by not raising him right? is he actually autistic or was there something I could have done to prevent this? "

Do you get this feeling , how do you cope?

I get this feeling, we have no DX until next month either so I COULD just be a bad parent..........

I didn't, and I was so sure I was doing all the right things for my DS. But more recently this feeling has crept up on me at times. I think it is because I am coming across situations that I can't fix and that I don't know what to do with. That sets the doubts rolling in my head :(

Yes I think this too. But if you pick it all apart you can see that it's not the case.

1. most parents in your situation are in denial and defensive "my child is fine - your wrong". You are not that parent. You put you child before your own pride and have the guts to face the fact there might dare be a reason for said behaviour
2. your in here and out there looking for help where ever you can get it

These things have reason, knows no boundaries to class or money, good parent, bad parent, there is no reason.

Don't doubt yourself ever. When you feel down look at your kid and ask yourself - what is the best thing for my child? It's you - fighting his corner. Believe in yourself and trust yourself. It's a lonely road and mostly walked in your own company. Learn to be proud of yourself. This journey has shown me I made of some damn hard stuff. So are you

I mean these things have NO reason ( I know genetics etc can come into play etc - but your no choice in your DNA do you?) however you look at it, there's a better counter argue ment. My eldest nt son is gifted and very popular and damn good looking to boot. He has the same DNA and same parents

I get this feeling because our son is our first child and we were pretty much self/internet thought on everything to do with him. We didn't have any experience or help from other relatives /friends to raise a kid , so I often wonder if it was our fault. I can see less guilt in myself if he was the second child as 2boysnamedR mentioned.

I can see this was due to my faulty DNA, I have a mild version of everything what my kid has , I'm not even sure whether we should be having any more kids because , it will be a case of knowingly risking with another child's life.

I scored quite high on the autistic quotient. My mum looking back would score very highly. Lots of autistic parents have nt kids. It's a personal choice if you have more children but I don't think it automatically means you shouldn't. How old is your dc? You say it's in your genes but I presume you no longer have tantrums and lead a full life?

Your being to hard on yourself. There is no handbook on raising kids. We all do it differently. There's no right way. As long as you love and nurture your doing it right

You'll find that you're really not alone, here in being on the extremely quirky side of NT. DH and I both are (though as child, I was beyond quirky in many respects) and we decided to stick at 2. We didn't want a large family anyway, but the realisation that our genes made for a bit of an, erm, interesting combination convinced us that 2 was plenty. 2 was already enough to outnumber us!

Rather than a bad parent, if you re-read your posts, you'll realise that you're rather a kickass parent and an extremely reflective parent. Parents of NT children do have issues to deal with, of course, but not such a full on onslaught of situations where they need to backtrack and reflect on what happened when something didn't quite work out and then figure out how to do it better. Parents in NT children generally do not have to put quite so much effort into keeping their DC calm, helping their DC to function and preventing their DC from adversely affecting others around them.

Thanks 2boysnamedR

I do not have tantrums , never had. I was always a very laid back person.

I'm shy with new people, Still I avoid going to lunch room of my workplace if there are people in it, and I have been working in this place for 2 years now. I can't make friends easily.my child is very shy and he doesn't have any friends apart from this other kid who we think is also autistic (he is also different from other kids and walk from his toes).

I do like to stick to the things I know , do not like to experiment with new stuff , reminds me of my child playing with the same toys everyday without moving on to new ones.

Had the same food appetite when I was a child , didn't talk till I was 5-6, I sometimes get addicted with some things which I have no self control, like collecting books or buying toys , I will try to do it even if I am dead broke. This reminds me of some of the tantrums my kid has, he cannot get the idea of stopping something when he gets in to it, like playing.

It's because you're conditioned to think that children reflect what you've done - that your input matters...and while it does to certain extent it can be very hard to come to terms with the fact that things happen that are just completely outside your control.

For what it's worth I was a much better parent with DS than I was with DD, because DD coming second suffered from neglected second borness and she's completely NT.

So either they're different or my parenting was so terrible that doing less helped her, lol.

It's ok to be different you know. It's ok to be on the autistic spectrum too. Perfectly ok - what is normal anyway? The thing I am trying badly to explain is that even the most tantruming autistic kid isn't going to take all that behaviour into adulthood. With the right help these kids can mellow and cope more, like all people learn various skills growing up.

You have a job and a family and you fit into society. As will your dc. He might never be a stand up comedian, neither will you or I but we don't need to be.

I am very shy but my eldest is very outgoing. I am dyslexic but I have a corporate job. My husband left school with no gcse's but earns more than me and I have a degree. Things don't work out to set formula. Like our kids.

Honestly if you was a bad parent you would not be here asking / doubting yourself. You wouldn't care. That's what bad parents do. Neglect. Indifference. Your not doing that

I get this feeling a lot. I cope by having cry and then trying to improve as a parent. I know I'm far from perfect, but I am doing my best.
I only make it harder if I'm tearing myself apart anytime I raise my voice when I should have kept calm.