I think my son is SN

[changingtoaskthis]

But I am not sure.

We have had a horrendously hard time as a family these last 2 years and while I have been aware for a long time he is somewhat "different", there is nothing really you can put your finger on.

We thought he was anxious etc.

A while ago he developed a facial tick, that has now gone.

He has now developed a vocal tick, which is steadily worsening. He makes a noise like he is catching his breath, sometimes a few times a sentence other times there is a long gap.

He is keeping up with his peers, but he is very young for his age, he is nearly 6 and still love cbeebies etc.

He takes literally hours to do anything asked of him and if he is over stimulated has to be practically pinned to his seat.

Its like he is in his own little world and it takes him longer to snap out of it - more and more and more, the only way he will respond is if you shout at him, which is against my parenting philosophy and I absolutely hate but he simply does not listen until you do.

We have recently moved and his vocal tick is getting worse, he did start wetting himself for about 10 days but that has stopped but he has started having melt downs again - not as long as they used to be but he had 2 yesterday - DH had to literally grab him by the hood of his jumper to catch him as he ran off in the middle of a market - bearing in mind he is nearly 6.

None of it amounts to much, but I am worried about him and I want to know the best way to manage him - he is definitely different. I am just not sure how different or what it means.

Firstly, liking Cbeebies at almost 6 is fine...my DDs both enjoy it and they're almost 6 and 9!

But if you're worried then the best place is here as so many people here are very knowledgable and lovely.

The main issues seem to be the vocal tic and the melt downs...has school said anything? He's keeping up but is he ok socially?

My older DD had a vocal tic at a similar age...actually it was from age 5 to about 8...she was anxious and had selective mutism...there was some talk at school of having her assessed for Aspergers but it went by the wayside as by the time she hit 8 she seemed to become "normal". She's still very quirky and has OCD tendencies though.

Have you noticed when he does the tic most? Is it when he's tired or stressed? Or when he's happy?

Its fairly constant. Mostly when he is home I think, i notice it a lot more when he speaks to DH but he does do it when he speaks to me.

He lies, A LOT, I think that is related to is anxiety. I think he is scared if he "does wrong", he will be taken away - but that is just my take on it - in his eyes that is what happens to people although we reassure him all the time he will live with us until he is a grown up.

This school hasn't said anything and he has had no problems in school - his old school thought I was imagining it - but then at one point he was tantrumming for me 8 hours or more out of a day, I was seeing a therapist for a while and she said behaving well in school isnt an indicator he is fine, it could mean he is scared to be "bad" there..

We can manage his melt downs and he comes out of them a lot quicker than they used to.

If you were to meet him, he would seem fine, there is just something I can't quite put my finger on, it was masked by the traumatic time we went through but now we have moved and life is normalising for us, I can see more.

If you've had a traumatic time, have you had family councelling? It sounds very hard on you OP....not being able to put your finger on it.

I searched high and low for support, but there isn't anything although we are now with a different counsel and school def seems a lot more supportive from talking to the head master so I may get a different response - we have moved to move on and hit has made a massive positive impact on our life, we have tried to get DS support but the only thing we were offered was confidential school counselling (he was FOUR), which I refused as we have a whole family issue and I wanted to be involved in the process (not all of it but I was allowed no input into the one on offer).

He doesn't from skim reading have sensory difficulties, but he did go through a phase a few months ago where he wouldn't flush the toilet because he didn't like the noise, but that is now passed. He is really, really bad at getting off to sleep and he is also rough with his baby brother and little sister - not in a nasty way, its like he loves them too much.

He does also do this hitting himself in the face thing, not hard or to hurt himself it is just a sort of habit he has formed.

Over the last 2 years we have been to the doctors, but the doctor like us, thought he was reacting to the ongoing situation we were in - rather than there may be an more long term issue.

I am waiting to see if the school picks up on anything rather than me going to them, because I am fed up of being treated like an over hysterical parent.

Mostly he is an every day, happy little boy, these are just traits that are increasingly concerning me - the noise more than anything because it is so obvious and if there is something wrong I want to help him, not shout at him.

Ive quickly looked at that book - I follow an attachment parenting model - so I think it is along the same lines I would like to parent - I will order it into our local library.

It sounds like you should be seeing your GP or Health Visitor. Clearly something is bothering you.

Some of it sounds like anxiety and your anxiety about him could be rubbing off on him- but that's not to say you're wrong to feel anxious.

Some conditions take a long time to show properly - Tourettes can start and stop around that age and can be one or two tics. The kids can also seem normal in public. Tourettes and anxiety can go together. But ASD can also have similar features.

Having said all that I think if you see some proper help you might relax a bit. You can't sort this out by yourself read in parenting books. He might just be a very sensitive child who's had a rough time over the past two years- or he might indeed have something wrong with him.

I worried a lot about my oldest when he was young & thought all sorts of ideas. He does have dyspraxia - but he's doing more or less fine now. My other two who were completely normal and bright now have Tourettes- you just can't tell how things are going to pan out.

Cut yourself and him some slack. Ask for an assessment. Toss the parenting books. Show him love and patience - he's only 6. When your oldest is 6 it seems so old. When your youngest is 6 they're still your baby.

Well, thanks for that.
I did mean general parenting books, and to have confidence in her own parenting abilities. I do think that point would have been apparent
I've read plenty of books on neurodevelopment myself. They're not books on parenting

Ah yes, general parenting books are not that useful in our situations.

whereas specialist ones are .... (sometimes I've struggled when an author has a particular named condition that s/he wants to bring to a wider audience - that can feel a bit fit-child-to-condition rather than gain-expertise-on-particular-child)

Having said all that, OP, might you be able to apply some of the general principles from How to Listen so your Child will Talk .... say less, don't question, hang out without raising any agenda, if he does tell you something that gives you an insight, listen, show you attended but don't comment at that time (if you succeed in that one by the way, let me know, I still struggle with it). You're not happy with having to shout anyway so perhaps a focus on changing the parenting style might uncover clues about what's going on?

He's coming across to me as a child who doesn't yet feel fully understood. Whether that's neurological or situational in origin or a complex mixture of the two I have absolutely no blooming idea!

sorry one more thing - I think you know this but whilst not all anxious children have SN, nearly all children with ASD-type issues suffer from anxiety.... so if you think he is anxious, he's anxious!

Thanks everyone - he is definitely anxious - his world has not been as secure as it should have been through no fault of ours.

The 8 hour meltdowns are now in the distant past they are much shorter now but increasing - I'm listening to him now playing with his sister and the vocal tic is not exhibiting .

I kept a diary before - but I stopped because it felt horrible writing all these seemingly insignificant things down. I'm going to have to start again.

I think I'll see if he settles by Christmas and go and see doctor - again - in January if I still feel the same. I've been very unsettled and it maybe it's rubbed off on him and I guess while the move has given me what I need - I know his misses our old house and his best friend because he keeps telling me.

I'm going to ask to speak to his teacher anyway before the end of term - so I'll know by then if they have noticed anything.

Hi changing, I agree with those who suggest starting the assessment process. Please don't be made to feel like an over-anxious parent by the school, you are obviously very conscientious and caring.

If you are unsure, think of it this way - forget about the outcome, think of the process as finding out as much as you can about how your DS 'works' and therefore giving him the very best support you can just like any mum would.

So this evening - 6.30-7.30 to eat tea (we started late but an hour to eat and longer not unusual) with constant reminders about missing playing time and pudding (head asked for a a chocolate as I wasn't fast enough to put them away).

Brief tantrum alleviated by putting it in lunch box and discussions and explanatio about losing all his time.

Bath and stories - at his turn to read tic and hitting himself started. 8.15 bed. 8.45 finally came downstairs. 9.00 he same down hungry got banana. 9.20 heard him in his sister's room and he hungry

DH went to put him to bed and offered food Queue tantrum where he tried to push Dh out of his way and get over him. Not violent DH just explained bed time and ask him to go to bed.

Eventually he broke the cloak head round his waist and decided to give up (often depends up hurting himself banging his head etc in his determination nd this stops his tantrum).

Then he came down again for food and I said no as it was now nearly 10 o clock. He has been sobbing in bed ever since).

This is a fairly normal pattern to our evening during which we have stayed calm, explained etc

(There was no pressure to read btw I never push him on that sort of thing)

And he just came down had a banana and has gone back to bed and trays the last we will hear from him til morning

He quite possibly was hungry as he didn't eat his tea in that hour - we all sit with him and it's quite a social chatty time.

But that's the way he is - he always finds one more thing - what ever it is, more stories or more cuddles or more food or more drink or a grown up to sit in his room or more pillows, less pillows, more blankets, etc etc etc. Bedtime is always dragged out for 2 hours plus. I used to start at 5.30, I've tried no bedtime, set bedtime, flexible bedtime, don't have to go to play or book in bed bedtime. He hates bedtime.

Sorry as you can read I hate bedtime too - I've literally just eaten myself although usually we all eat together.

I don't think he really wants them - whatever is provided he will want something else.

He is a funny little thing - I have a 3 year old and a 5 year old - in her head (not developmentally) she is older than him.

It's hard to put into writing.

If left to his own devices it can take him 2 hours to get his shoes on he gets distracted and into his own little world.

I'm going to make story boards for the morning and bedtime but he knows what to do - he "means to do it" but look a bird flew past the window, a leaf fell off the tree and a million more interesting things happened along the way.

I am quite worried about him, he is 6 soon and I feel should (with some assistance) be dressing himself etc.

Also and I don't know if relevant, he isn't interested in night nappies coming off (although he wears pants over them) if he isn't reminded to take his nappy off he will happily keep it on all day).

This sounds like a list of complaints but I'm just trying to put it all in writing.

He is a loving happy little boy most of the time - he spends hours sticking and gluing and making Lego, he loves all the things little boys love - these are just the things niggling me.