Not sure if this belongs here but please help if anything sounds familiar

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

DS is 2.9 and like both his parents he's independent, strong-willed and doesn't like being told what to do! I had a very strict upbringing and I'm determined to do things differently...so I'm looking for a strategy to deal with persistent misdemeanors that works but isn't too harsh!

at the moment we ask DS once to stop doing something (right now he's into standing/jumping on furniture, rattling things, being agressive), then we give him a warning (usually that he'll be removed from the situation/room if he continues) and then we remove him, unless he's violent and then he gets removed immediately. it's a new technique because we've been quite inconsistent in the past (the transition from baby to toddler threw us somewhat) but there's some behaviours that we're resorting to time out in his cot for and I really want to find an alternative (my reasons briefly are that I feel time out isolates children and doesn't help them to deal with the feelings they are experiencing, it just makes them feel that they are wrong/bad, I'm talking from personal experience here, being ignored/berated whenever I showed an emotion, I wasn't given the tools to deal with them but instead shut away, it's just not something I want to be doing - I can totally see why parents want to and do use it but it's not for me. I'm also concerned at some point it won't work any more because he'll be able to get out of the cot, I don't want him getting hurt and I don't want to end up locking him in his room - there's no way he'd stay there voluntarily).

I have used it because sometimes I need a minute or two to calm down or because DS has lost control and someone is going to get hurt. For example I ask him to sit on the sofa rather than standing. He sits but then immediately stands again, I say 'this is your warning, please sit on your bottom or you'll be removed from the sofa', he does it but a few minutes later he's standing/jumping again (I let him bounce on his knees but not his feet) - I say 'now I'm taking you off the sofa' I do so and he repeatedly pushes past me to get back on it. I take him off, he gets back up. it becomes either a game or a battle of wills and he's really bloody strong and heavy! I feel at this point that I need to put him in his cot before he hurts me or by manhandling him to keep him off it I'm going to hurt him. We often get into this situation where he'll continue almost compulsively to do the thing I've asked him to stop doing/touching etc. He'll even start shouting 'I WANT to hit you!' whilst hitting me repeatedly when I've asked him to stop. Perhaps because of my own upbringing being hit or repeatedly ignored pushes my buttons and I feel the situation will only stop if I remove him from the room for a few minutes so I don't lash out and smack him (I never have and don't intend to but the urge is there sometimes when I'm ignored or hurt) and calm myself down so I can help him with HIS emotions.

I'm starting to be able to deal with tantrums quite well I think. I never give in to the reason for the tantrum but when I see it's calming a little I will ask if he needs help to calm down but before that I will tell him I'm there for him when he's stopped screaming and I ignore the behaviour whilst staying close by - he's even starting to ask for help to calm down mid-tantrum so I feel confident we're on top of that.

Sometimes I feel he's pushing the boundaries because he needs a good cry/tantrum but I don't know how to get in there and help him when he's pushing, pushing, pushing - he goes kind of manic - and this cot thing - I really want to stop removing him but he won't give me any personal space/seems like he can't physically stop himself doing something he shouldn't over and over when he gets worked up.

DH and I are attending a parenting course and thought it would help us find ways to deal with his behaviour and stop using the cot for time out, but it doesn't seem to be helping (we talk about the problems we encounter and why our children might behave a certain way but we don't really discuss what to do about it) - I'm thinking if we have a simple set of rules and a straightforward way of dealing with them being broken DS will get the message that we're united and mean business and will get bored of pushing boundaries...we're also trying to spend lots of one on one time playing with him and use descriptive praise everywhere possible but I really want to break this habit and find something gentle and consistent that works.

...so does anyone else have a willful and hyperactive child who compulsively touches things?? and if it is a cry for help with strong emotions, how do you get right in there and find out what's happening with them before you get on a journey to meltdown for everyone? I've long been wondering whether DS has a spectrum disorder/ADHD/sensory issue/dyspraxia - or is this just normal toddler stuff? (there's much more but not sure how relevant to this issue - will elaborate if it helps) - any help or experience appreciated

I think that's a good idea! we've no garden at present but should have a small one soon so I'll look out for a small one.

I think you're right about the distraction/praise thing but unfortunately distraction has never worked with him praise does work though and patience...which is often in short supply at the minute. I like the idea of giving two choices but unfortunately DS always wants to choose something that isn't one of the choices or will choose one but attach a list of conditions and create a riot if I can't/won't comply!

you could be right about my expectations, it's so hard to know what's reasonable to expect especially because he's tall and his language is great. I also find it difficult when he regresses with no apparent reason - for example he's gone from being really polite, saying please and thank you without being reminded to suddenly demanding 'YOU do it!' 'get that for me NOW!' 'I WANT it' etc. this will pass I'm sure, thank you for your thoughts

It's a tricky one. It does sound quite normal to me at this age. However, at this age signs of SN can be about duration and intensity of behaviour rather than 'unusual' behaviour.

Have you tried distraction in terms of humour rather than trying to change what he's doing? So...with bouncing on the sofa, try saying 'oooh good idea, bouncing...let's bounce!!!! (then bounce him off the sofa out into the hallway, for example). That worked with DD3 who is..spirited.

lougle yes spirited seems to be the word used, he ticks all the boxes and has done since birth, I just often wonder if it's more than that - for example sometimes he'll have a tantrum that literally lasts 2 hours, total meltdown..nothing can calm him, he almost has to work himself into such a state that he exhausts himself..it's heartbreaking

I say distraction doesn't work because he'll usually just say no to whatever it is I'm trying to distract him with, so I'll say let's do so and so and try and get him to join in but he'll get cross with me from taking him away from whatever it was and keep going back to it or if it's something he wants he'll ask over and over even though the answer is always the same.

I'll try the humour if I can muster any I know encouragement and praise work wonders as does asking for his help (on his terms, sometimes) so it's definitely worth a go!

DD3 is incredibly similar. She can take exception to anything and even something that was lovely yesterday can be the worst thing today. I find that the more I try to correct her, the worse she is. So I resort to humour. I have to put a LOT more in than I get out, and often it's a good 5-10 minutes of humour before I can see even the faintest crack in the tantrum shield, but once she smirks, she just can't help herself.

It's exhausting though!

Have you read a book called 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'?

There's a technique in there which I use with my children where you don't try and distract, but you go so far into whatever it is they want that they actually get bored of it - it's quite fun!

So "I want an icecream" gets the response of 'Ooooh wouldn't it be wonderful if all the world was icecream? We could eat ice cream all day and the sun would be made out of ice cream and the cloud would be made out of ice cream and the rain would be the chocolate sprinkles and the grass would be ....blah blah blah.'

By the time you've finished they've moved on.

yes I've got that book, I'm about. two thirds through it, will have to check that bit out! I think I'm used to physical hard work but not emotional IYKWIM! must try harder

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's posted in response to my OP. I put it in 3 different places as I wasn't sure which aspect to focus on, I've been really overwhelmed by all the positive responses and advice.

Today has been a good day. It started off with DS asking again for the hungry caterpillar on DVD. I didn't say no because I knew it would lead to a tantrum, I just went into the living room and laid a blanket on the floor and said 'where's my little caterpillar?' I then preceded to roll him up in a 'crysalis' whilst he was in hysterics, I got him to wriggle free and then we made wings from the blanket to make him into a beautiful butterfly. He loved it and asked to repeat it over and over again. Then we rolled up DD and then we had a tea party with all the dolls. We've also made Christmas decorations out of clay. He's been so happy and affectionate and playful all day and so have I.

I think part of the problem is having children just stirs up a lot of childhood feelings without any real explanation of what they are or why they're there. I just feel crabby a lot of the time. I don't want this to turn into a pity party but my parent's never played with me..yet another thing I'm learning for myself 30 years later. Oh well, I've got lots of resources at my disposal and 2 gorgeous, funny, intelligent, independent bundles of fun to learn it all with.

Thank you all, this will all pass so quickly so I'm going to try and chill out and enjoy it