Tribunal - every one is telling me to let it drop - cant do this anymore

[2boysnamedR]

Sitting in the loo at work. Just had some one in ds care phone me and ask what the hell I'm thinking. I said should I not give a shit about my child? Was told there's a procedure to follow and I am trying to jump too far ahead. First they wait and see, then they watch them struggle, then they watch them fail, then they watch them go off the rails, then they let them rot for a bit. Then they step in.

What do I do? Everyone is against me doing this! Making me feel like a stupid tit. Patronising me like a stupid idiot. All I want is know from the nhs is up with ds and from the school why he can't learn

Is that really too much to fucking ask for?

The only person who can tell me I'm wasting my time is the judge on the day

Exactly

Just don't engage with them.

Listen - don't speak.

You don't even have to use pleasantries - just listen and say nothing.

Scares the hell out of them.

< and carry a well-thumbed copy of the SEN COP plastered in Post-Its for extra effect >

I wanted to add something before but got locked out of MN.

One of the things that makes things hard is the disbelief of others who are not in your position that things can a) be quite as awful as you make out with regards to the behaviour of services and b) you really do have to go to such lengths to get BASIC provision.

So you'll have friends and family telling you just to trust the professionals, or to not rock the boat, or to give up if it is making you so stressed.

But you cannot give up on your child.

By this I mean exactly that of course and I am not denying some decide that going down the tribunal route is not worth it for a variety of valid reasons. However, you must have a rationale for your course of action and it needs to be as proactive and with a plan as you can possibly make it.

Your child needs you to have a good sound reason for the path you take and so do you in order to cope.

Instill think you should put any quotes you think the judge ought to know about in writing back to the person who said them.

It won't hurt if records of their bullying tactics find their way into your tribunal bundle though the judge will try to not be interested in the way you have been treated, only the needs of the child, I still don't think it hurts.

Are you getting support with your appeal? If not, phone IPSEA or SOS SEN tomorrow.

2boys, I usually let them just talk and/or ask them to.put things into writing (but it never really happens).
I also try to follow up each phone call with an email summarising the conversation so I can create a record/papertrail in case I need it later.

Hi, just to let you know that at our annual review I asked if I could record the meeting as school had someone taking minutes but due to past meeting accurate minutes have not been supplied, also too much going on to take in at the time. HT refused to let us do this as this was not normal practice. Instead of arguing with them I switched the dictaphone on in my pocket anyway, this was very useful as I could reflect on the meeting afterwards. I wish I had recorded other meetings to prove what had been agreed in meetings but then never happens. Also I start doubting myself as professionals pull wool over your eyes. I would definately record meetings again (in my pocket)

Thanks, I have started using my phone to record ds speech so I will record our meetings. Sent two emails to the senco last week so there's always a paper trail ( of being ignored in this case).

I have booked a appointment with ipsea.

I have written some comes back to some of the things said to me that upset me yesterday. I will rehearse them before another "chat" with such self important people in the future.

I am getting independant ed phycologist advise. When I look at my son I see he is being badly failed. When anyone else looks at him he's a perfectly adverage kid so I need to check I am not going mad

Don't be 'chatting' to anybody. Communicate only in writing.

Look. I know why you speak to people. I know why you call them, leave messages, agree to meetings etc. you are hoping that it's all just a bit of a mistake, or you've been unlucky or misunderstood. You think if only you could just explain or point out the obvious then the tribunal will be melted away by common sense.

Not so. All that will happen is your anxiety will go up, you'll get a reputation for being neurotic or even vexatious and you'll go to tribunal with them whinging to the judge how many meetings they have given you.

It's hard to be so cynical and give up your faith in humankind but you really have to be business like and communicate only in a way that a judge can observe your reasonableness.

2boys I've just read your thread and it terrifies me as i think we might be treading your path at some point in the future.

Ds has a diagnosis of Hemi, SLI, SPD and GDD and yet the school insist he is fine because he plods along happy enough. The fact he cant read or write yet and they havent implemented a single one of the SLT and OT recommendations has had no effect on his lack of progress apparently

I just wanted to say that we bit the bullet having read numerous threads on here and paid for a private Ed psych report which we received back last week. I can honestly say its the best thing we have done, none of my concerns are unfounded, i am not hysterical and expecting to much from my Ds or his shit school. The school are wrong and are failing my Ds in the most spectacular way.

I have no idea which way we will go forward with the info we now have but if they dont pull their head out of their arse very quickly then we will apply for SA which will throw us to the lions protecting the budgets.

I'm not sure what the point of my post is other than to say you sound like an incredible Mum and i hope I find the same strength as you and the other Mums on here to fight when our time comes x

Thanks cranberry - I don't feel very incredible right now. I feel very empowered by rage at the best

Starlight -I have the LLS meeting in the next few weeks as I need to give " my perspective" I can't not go to that one, I can ask there on the day what school understand his background is and keep quite but I think I should go. Your right I don't have to create any more need for chat. But if this ed phyc calls me in to meet before tribunal I have to go? Or the judge will say I am not co- operating.

Dammed whatever I do

You have to attend some meetings in order to appear "reasonable".

Legally you do not have to agree with what is said, and you can always say "I'd like to go away and think about that" when they try and bulldoze you down the wrong alley.

Keep your powder dry and stay focused on the OUTCOME you want for your child at all times.

You know they aren't interested in your opinion, so why bother voicing it more than once for the minutes? You'll get your rational say at Tribunal.

You go. Of course. You just don't 'chat' and whilst you can confirm you will consider something, almost never agree on the spot.

You can always say 'hmm, thank you, that does sound reasonable and so I shall think about it/discuss it with my DH/parent partnership/my advocate/ my solicitor

Your 'advocate' if you have none others could be MN, though you won't have to say.

Treat all meetings not as an opportunity to convince them, but as their opportunity to convince you.

Don't rise to any riling comments such as 'you have to trust us', 'how are things at home?', 'you won't get anything you haven't got already','there's no funding', 'your Ds CAN'T progress whatever we do' or even 'we'd like to speak to social services'.

Let them all go over your Stoney head but register them and write them down when you get home to debut den yourself and to seize any opportunities to send in writing their ridiculous and bullying quotes.

Just phoned SOS sen who don't think I'm mad ( which is nice to have confirmed). They think the case might get dropped by the lea. They seemed shocked but its hard not to be bias as if ds senco had phoned re ds they would said he has no case. On the premise I'm not mad I need a slap.

I will try to use my mantra of "lets give it some time and talk in few weeks" when approached by anyone paid by the lea. I will try not to rise to any bait and just look for more evidence, and a good indi ed phyc ..... ASAP.....

If they say anything clearly stupid or out of order you can ask them to repeat it with your pen poised, requesting they spell any words with confidence.

That often gets the message across that you are recoding their dubious statements and you WILL be puting it back to them in writing as a record.

And course you're not mad.

You're definitely not mad. And I'm impressed that you're fuelled by rage. I'm more fuelled by a Great british tut and an eyeroll, as I am fully aware that I have been invited to participate in a well rehearsed dance.

(Currently unpicking part 2 of DS1's statement for my reasons for appeal refusal to amend. The temptation to point and snigger and write "it's almost 4 years old and he's 9, so do I really need to say any more? It's not current, innit!" is almost too much to resist)

Just changed his bed and found his stash of bogies he has stored up. Charming little imp.

I have so so many one liners - I have written them down as that fuels my childish need to keep the upper hand. I don't do the patronising eye roll and tut very well. I'm more the kind of mum you see coming and on reputation alone dive into the nearest bush if you work at ds school. But also like a ant that bites. I can give a lasting painful bite but won't kill and if no ones looking I can always be stepped on...

I have learnt so much but it's never enough is it? I come so far but where am I? About a metre away from my starting point.

I had a bogey collection and was most miffed when it was cleaned out of the inside of my bedside drawer

aaargh! formatting fail!!!!

Glad it's not just him. At least he's trying to hide it now. It was all over the wall before. Weird things is that his nose never runs so where do they come from? Another wonder of his world ....

I remember it all well - the meetings the pointless meetings where we would just all sit in silence as no one wanted to really say anything to each other - the minutes whichfelt like they were of a different meeting so I would send them my own version - they never ever responded to them. it was all just so pointless - I too hoped that they would see things my way but they didn't and now I completely get the 'game' im older and wiser but have learnt that I am by far the better player in the game because I stuck to the rules and didn't try to cheat or use underhand tactics. I keep my mouth closed and trusted no one outside of my inner circle of friends as you never know what will be fed back. the best was in the tribunal where the LA witness mentioned 'she couldn't comment on things at home' to that point no one had ever mentioned any problems at home, we were always quoted as being model parents etc - it was aid purely to get a reaction mid tribunal but I saw it for what it was and just ignored it. the person who said it just made themselves look like an idiot. you will get there - this forum is a powerful source of information and support