Oh Fuck. DS excluded for 2nd time in 2 weeks. I shouted at the Head and Senco :-(

[amistillsexy]

I'm so fed up.

DS is 10. He has ASD/PDA and until a year ago, was doing really well in this school, after a disastrous KS1 in two local mainstreams who kept excluding him when he couldn't cope.

He's been in this school since midway through Y2, he's now Y5, and although he's had his ups and downs, he's generally done really well. He has a full Statement, and is in a mainstream class.

This is the second afternoon's exclusion in two weeks. No paperwork for the last one, no explanation, no return to school interview, nothing. Then today, the same. I went to pick him up, and it's all sad faces and rueful smiles from the staff, and 'we'll see you on Monday for a better day,'
I told the Head I wanted to speak to her and she offered to meet me next Thursday afternoon.
I'm afraid I saw red, and told her I blamed the school entirely for DS's melt down, and I couldn't see any reason why the school needed to exclude him rather than simply look after him when he was obviously upset and distressed.
He is not a 'naughty boy'. He wants to do well, and to please them. He was truly sorry for causing difficulties once he'd calmed down.
I told them it is their responsibility to find strategies to manage him, and to reflect and put strategies in place when things go wrong. I complained that she hasn't filled in any paperwork, and that I have seen no evidence of reflective practice regarding the use of exclusions. I also suggested that the staff could have handled him differently today when it became clear that he was getting distressed, and that if they had, he may have calmed down.
The HT kept saying they didn't know what was wrong with him, and despite them keeping on asking him, he just kept getting more and more angry until he started to rip displays off her walls and ran to hide under the stairs. I pointed out that he has ASD, and asking a child with ASD to explain why he's having a meltdown whilst he's still in the meltdown is completely useless, but she just kept saying they were doing there best.
This school has an ASD unit attached. It's meant to be the best they've got

Bloody ridiculous. I hate it when schools behave like this. Ask them when is the last time they punished a child in a wheelchair for not walking, or a child who is deaf for not hearing.

If they don't know how to handle a child with autism when the child is displaying behaviours that are as a result of their autism, then I question their competence and you should too.

I mean you should as in you were right to, not you should as in you ought to. Because you did.

I'm afraid that's what I was doing, Revels. They were in shock. I can be very scary when I'm riled.
My difficulty now is, having questioned their competence, where do I go from here? This really is the Last Chance Saloon for DS- there is literally no other school in the authority that will take him

I certainly did!

shock is what they need.

It drives me up the wall when schools don't seem to understand the nature of autism and penalise our kids for displaying the symptoms of their FUCKING DISABILITY!

I think there is nothing wrong with challenging them. Are you going to follow it up with a meeting?

I have been in this situation (same disabilities).
You need to ask them for the official paperwork -they are illegally excluding. Once they know that you understand the legal requirements they'll probably start backtracking.

I would be asking them for copies of their SEN and behaviour policies. Ask what reasonable adjustments are being made for his disabilities.

What training have staff had in understanding PDA? Different strategies are required other than the regular ASD strategies. Have staff had any Positive Handling training?

I would be putting all this in writing and requesting a written response before you meet with the HT to discuss the issues further.

Yes, I'm still going next Thursday. I just don't know what to say to them really.

I feel like just shouting "Just Be Nice To Him!" But I'm aware that this might not work.

The new SENCO is a snake in the grass. She comes out with such gems as 'DS is making some bad choices today' and 'We give DS opportunities to discuss his perceived concerns'.

I'd appreciate any advice on what they should/could be doing for DS, and what the law actually says about short term exclusions. I just want them to be reflective and work out what they are doing wrong, rather than blaming DS every time he melts down. How can I make this happen?

I asked for the paperwork regarding restraint last term, and got a few cobbled together sheets eventually.
It was obvious that they had been written by different people at different times, as if the paperwork had been knocked out at the time, then when I requested it, they'd realised it wasn't good enough and written more in. It bore no relation to what DS had told me had happened (he doesn't/can't lie).
I told her today that she had illegally excluded last week, and I wanted paperwork. She knows I know the law, because she knows my background (school management, before all this trouble!).
My difficulty is, I go in and say 'this is not good practice', and she agrees with me, and makes all sorts of promises to do it better next time, then she doesn't. I think I've reached the next stage, but I don't know what that is.

I read this by Anna Kennedy recently which struck a chord

Especially this bit:
What I fail to understand is how a service or person presenting themselves as an ‘Autism Service’ can’t be prepared for challenging behaviour (CB) and what may come with it? If you are setting your self or your service up as being Autism Savvy then surely you MUST know that means you need to expect CB and how to deal with it. Sending a child home because you couldn’t cope with their CB or the amount of support they need is surely discrimination? ‘I will take you you and you….but not you’.

Excuse me for being ‘daft’ but to me that is like saying ‘I will look after the blind but not those who will walk into things or fall over as that is hard work’

Sorry thats doesn't solve your problem - but at least you are not alone!

*good for you in giving them a piece of your mind

They deserved it.

You wrote:

The new SENCO is a snake in the grass. She comes out with such gems as 'DS is making some bad choices today' and 'We give DS opportunities to discuss his perceived concerns'.

That is so very true. I hate the word perceived. It's a word that they all use when they want you to believe that what your child is telling you has happened didn't actually happen after all

We'd call it gaslighting or being disingenuous or implyily that your child is a liar. I was told many times that my DS only *perceived( things that weren't actually happening.

So glad to see that you can see through their nonsense.

Oh yes 'perceived'. My ds always 'perceived' staff were talking about him behind his back. When staff were actually caught doing this it was 'they didn't realise that he would hear them'

So true.

So sorry you're having this problem. There's some info on exclusions here

Just to wish you well on Thursday

Sounds like the SENCO needs whacking around the head with a copy of Ross Greene's Lost at School. He has a lot to say about the notion that children who exhibit bad behaviour are making "bad choices".

bad behaviour - my brain said "challenging" - my fingers were several words ahead. My coffee hasn't kicked in, yet! I'm a bit embarrassed about that typo

Not surprised you shouted! Hopefully, it will spur the HT onto providing better support for your son. Good-luck for Thursday. I know they should have done a reintegration interview but we found that it did more harm than good when the ds's were present as it just ramped up the stress levels. They should be discussing with you though how to help your son as a matter or urgency.

I think that if they are saying they don't know how to head off or cope with meltdowns, they need to get some specialist advice and training. If they've got an ASD unit in the school, surely they've got the necessary specialist advice on tap?

You lot are amazing. I think I've got a little something in my eye after reading all your messages.

I've just been chatting to a lovely neighbour who has a disabled child and is also a deputy head at a school in the authority. He's given me some great advice and reassurance, and some names of people within the authority to contact and discuss this with.
He's made me realise that my usual approach of trying to 'work with' the school, not rock the boat, don't complain is not going to be sustainable, and I need to make my complaints now, before this escalates into permanent exclusions and DS being sent to the PRU.

Funnily enough, I've got a copy of Lost At School next to my bed ready to read. I think this afternoon will be spent with the stove lit, and a set of highlighters, going through it. I'm going to have another look at 'Surviving the SN system (How to be a Velvet Bulldozer)' as well. I love that title .

I'm feeling more positive and less helpless now. I need to prepare myself for a battle, but I now know that the first step is realising and accepting that the battle is necessary .

The real irony is that DS loves school, and is so sad and upset that (he thinks) he's let them down and disappointed them. He's desperate to go back on Monday and show them how 'good' he can be. I could weep for him [sad.

Thanks for all the support and advice so far. I'll trawl through everything this afternoon, and no doubt be coming back with questions and observations along the way.

After a horrific KS1 where DS burned his way through local schools at a rate of knots. year 3 was fantastic.

Year 4 in same school, DS had the misfortune to have the laziest teacher ever - seriously she was too bone idle to even provide DS with a reading book.

Combined with a decision to use Ds's TA for the rest of the class as school had decided that he'd done so well in year 3 he didn't need one any more and it was a recipe for disaster.

Long story follows on how lies were told to cover up the TA reallocation etc, and how when that didn't work I was subjected to what I now realise was an outright witch hunt.

is it a case of - They do know what to do to help him by this stage, they just can't be bothered cos it's easier to send him home? Take a few days to think about the honest answer to this question (as opposed to the one we all want it to be, which is well meaning human error from people that do really care about your child).

We relocated and DS is schooling online at home this year for year 5. I'm saving my energy for the fight for a suitable secondary place. Home edding doesn't have to be forever, and is a viable alternative to an escalating trip down the rabbit hole.

If your child is 10 he's either in year 5 or worse year 6 where traditionally all emphasis is on the SATS and SN kids get forgotten about as primaries know any major problems can be shunted onto the poor secondaries in the area.

Depending on how you feel, it may be worth considering home edding till secondary if you feel you are getting into one of those unwinnable tail chasing situations with school.