DS is possibly autistic and has diatary issues, overly attached to dad, mum is depressed , please advice

[WorriedDad23]

Hello all,

First of all I'm not a mum but a bit worried dad/husband.

Our son is 4 years old now and he had speech difficulties since he was 2 , he has been getting regular speech therapy sessions and many other visits/ support form health officered and doctored regarding his speech and behaviours.

He had a major assessment couple of months back with few doctors to determine if he is Autistic or not , but the doctors couldn't come to a final decision and told us they are going to asses him in another 18 months . We were told ( we also observed) he has some qualities of a normal child as well as some autistic qualities.

He is a really fussy eater , because of that he is really skinny and small , he barely stays within the bottom line of the normal weight range . For example he will take couple of hours to eat a small plate of pie/pasta.
My Mrs gets really frustrated by this and most of the time she is depressed and angry. This is affecting our relationship most of the time as well.

For some reason DS is overly attached to me , I'm not sure if this is due my mrs being depressed all day with him and DS is looking for fun and comfort from me. He will cry his eyes off if I leave home during unusual times other than the times I leave for work. He sometimes wants to hold my hand when he travels in the car , and it is bit dangerous but I do it anyway to stop him crying, he will come with me anywhere leaving mum at home with no issues. if I'm home he wants me to come with him every time he goes to pee and when he brush his teeth. Also he will not go to bed without me, he sleeps in our bed because of space issues. He can get very upset and will cry for hours if we try to take him off the play area or if he doesn't get something he wants or if we stop something he was doing. This is sometimes very embarrassing when he does it in public places.

He is starting to speak sentences now but it is well behind other kids of similar age , I'm not really worried about this since I can see a big improvement over what he was couple months before.

I'm not really worried about DS condition , if he is autistic then so be it , he is still my son and I will love him more. I will do what ever I can do to help him cope with his condition. Which I can do and I have control over .

My worry is about my wife , she doesn't have any close friends to talk about stuff ,she is tired and depressed all the time , gets angry very easily. She is concerned about friends and relatives finding out about DS's condition, I love her to death but I don't think she feels that , I also feel I do not have enough time and money to do some of the things which might cheer her up.

Sorry for the long post , please help me out , what would you do if you were in my shoes?

WorriedDad23 To certain extent I was like your DW 2 or 3 years ago. Due to health issues I was really exhausted all the time and having to work almost full time and doing most of the childcare and housework I wasn't much fun to be around to be truthful. DS has always been a "daddy's boy" as DH is a real fun guy to be around and for quite a few months I didn't have the energy to do anything with ds apart from the bare minimum. i was irritable and over emotional. My relationship with both DH and DS was really suffering at the time. After I had major surgery things got so much better, I did enjoy being a mum again and even after DS got dx with ADS as I found I had the emotional tools to deal with it.
Things that really helped me were:
-First and foremost, looking after myself, my health and well being. Mine was a physical problem but your DW might be suffering with depression, and I don't think things can get any better until this is tackled. She should go and see the GP about it.

-she needs to do something that is just for her, a hobby, interest, meeting with friends, a course, whatever makes her feel like herself again. I have always had a hobby and nowadays I'm really into it and Those 2 evenings a week where I can just "be myself" are a lifesaver.

-share the housework load. Unfortunately DH works long hours so it's a bit difficult for him, but he's in charge of a couple of housework jobs and that makes me feel like I'm not being taken for a ride. I do employ a cleaner a couple of hours a week, money well spent as I don't drink ,smoke or spend that much money otherwise and I treat this 2 hours as my weekly treat!

-have someone to talk to. It could be you, a friend, a family member or someone else. DH doesn't do "talking", he doesn't see the point of it, so at first I was quite upset I couldn't talk to him about DS and his ASD but as someone of this forum said to me, I had to find support somewhere else then. My mum has been really good and we have chats about it, she is very supportive. This Special Needs forum has been great too, I've found so much useful information that I couldn't have coped without it.

• find strategies to cope with difficult behaviour. The example of your DS kicking off when you need him to stop doing what he's doing, I found with DS is that giving him plenty of warning works a treat. We are going to the park and after that we are going for a walk and then dinner. 10 minutes before leaving the park I tell him he's got 10 minutes left and then 5 minutes and when it's time to go he's usually very compliant. Make sure he's not hungry or thirsty.

DS hates going shopping so I either do it late at night or online. Anything to make life easier.

• find out if there is an AsD support group near you, I don't think you need a diagnosis to join.

-tell her to come and post in this forum. We all have been through very similar circumstances.

Sorry, I didn't mean to write such a long post.

What support are you being offered / getting?

Things you may be entitled to are:
Free nursery place with 1:1 support.
Portage (early years teaching service) who come to your house and work on play skills, speech etc and may help your wife feel more confident
Disability living allowance
Carers allowance
Extra tax credits
Speech therapy, occupational therapy
Short breaks (sometimes called respite) via a social services assessment by the disabled children's team (can get direct payments and pay for some help)
Learning disability nurse (advice on eating, sleeping etc)
Dietician
Local carers charity can advise on local SN activities, may have specialist sitting services etc
Homestart charity.
GP can prescribe melatonin if your child has difficulty getting off to sleep

Having a child who doesn't interact well can be very isolating especially if they don't cope well with usual pre school groups and activities. I had to give up going to anything as DS hated it so much and even when I did go he was trying to escape all the time I never got to talk to anyone. It can make you very depressed and very isolated not being able to mix with other parents and the sleep deprivation doesn't help.

In the end we got as much help from the above as we could and I went back to work part-time for adult company. We decided for our mental health we both needed time away from home and while financially it wasn't as easy decision we both worked part-time and split the caring more evenly. I can honestly say going to work is a break for me its far harder being at home with DS.

Going out in the evenings isn't appealing when you are exhausted and sleep deprived but perhaps you and your wife could go out for breakfast or lunch sometimes on your own?

Is there anyway you can free up time for your wife to join a gym / do a course / do some work etc

Some SN parent groups run at weekends and perhaps you could find one and go together - when you have got isolated and depressed going to new groups can feel very daunting.

Don't rule out counselling (for your wife) I would have found it helpful in the early days - although finding time to go would have been difficult.

Maybe you should just tell friends and family yourself? Do you think they would react well or badly? Perhaps if they knew they could help and support her more / give you both some time off?

@AgnesDiPesto

We get most of the NHS related support ...healthcare /dietician support / speech therapy , a very good nursery with almost 1:1 support/ health visitor visits etc

I'm not sure if we are eligible for other financial support since he is not officially declared as autistic or with any other disability

@ Tambaboy , AgnesDiPesto

I should look for local SN parent groups , and also I will speek to our GP and see if I can get counselling for my wife.

I know I have the same issue Tambaboy's DH have of ' not talking' , I haven't been a big talker even when we were dating , normally my Mrs does all the talking.

In fact I see most if not all of my son's autistic behaviours in myself in small scale, I think my wife does too , so I feel there is a bit a hatred towards me from her thinking it's my faulty genes.

It's going to be hard to find a hobby for her I can afford these days , she loves to travel, but with our current situation that' not possible these days. It's hard to even communicate with her and ask about these things because I honestly doubt if she really loves me with these issues sometimes.

I tried telling my family/friends about my sons behaviour and issues and that alone made a big fight between us , she got really upset and still hates me for that. I don't see the point of hiding because other people can clearly see the difference of our child anyway, so it's better to tell the truth than letting them talk behind our backs.

Because of this issue she is now avoiding to go and see some of the friends who doesn't know about our son's condition. I think I need to find a way for to accept the issue , she is still living in denial . which makes things very hard.

It's very hard to leave DS with some of our friends if we want to go out
for a meal or something , Others cannot cope with his some behaviours.

For example the other day we went bowling and he started crying saying he wanted the bowling ball which went through the pins , so I gave him the ball when it came back , identical ball. But for him that's not what he wants, he wants the 'ball' which went through pins in the past , so to make him happy I have to go back in time and stop the ball before going through pins. he has lot other strange behaviours similar to this , he made a big scene and I had to leave the bowling arena with him kicking off.

Thanks for the advices , really appreciate .

Also Tambaboy , I hope you are doing fine with your helth

I am a single mum, my son is 8, he refuses to go into school, he runs off and 2 teachers have to catch him and carry him in kickin n screamin. He hits his younger sister, kicks off if told no, throws things, screams, punches walls, his temper is horrendous n im finding it so hard to cope. Iv had help with school nurses, childrens centres in the past but nothin works, can any1 plz give me sum advice?

DLA etc are based on need not diagnosis. That said it is easier to get with a diagnosis.

DLA is a gateway to other things so start with that. Cerebra charity has an excellent guide on filling out the forms. If they turn you down you appeal as its almost standard practice to turn down without a diagnosis even though thats not part of the criteria. They usually then back down. If you have fulltime 1:1 at nursery ask the nursery if they will fill in the page of the DLA form asking for supporting info

Can you ask your wife what she would like to do for a break. It may be have a lie in and go window shopping for half a day on her own. It might not be foreign travel or anything expensive. Your wife would need to be the one asking for help / counselling. or you could try something like Relate as a couple.

Lots of people do go into denial but most do come through it. Its similar to grieving process - anger, denial, why me / its not fair. There is a sort of grieving process for the future you wanted / wanted your child to have and it can take time to come through that and accept the child you have or at least the difficulties life is going to throw at them.

The nursery should be getting advice from a specialist teacher and that service - may be called early years specialist teaching service - should be able to provide advice at home. Once you can learn skills to help your child and start to see progress that can give you a focus. Perhaps she feels helpless and doesn't know how to help your son?

Hanen books More than words and It takes time to talk can be useful in understanding strategies.

My son has odd behaviours too. It can be about the world being very confusing and wanting to keep everything the same. So wanting the same ball to re-enact the same experience which is familiar. Sometimes I find giving him a choice helps. So with the bowling ball you can say you can't have that ball, its gone but show him two other balls and ask do you want the red or the blue one. Giving a choice seem to give him the feeling of having some control over things. As much as possible I try and head off him getting upset by offering a choice.

debz go to your GP and ask for a referral to paediatrician to investigate if underlying reason for behaviour

Can .i recommend the YMCA. Our local one runs a playclub specifically for SN kids.

You sound lovely OP. i think your wife needs counselling and to see a Dr. I too was in denial. Work was my salvation. School will be looming soon for your son and there is nothing which makes the difference more obvious than life at the school gates.