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SN children

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Original poster

How can I ask DH to take the kids out more?

12 replies

LauraSakura · 29/10/2013 09:42

I have a 6yr old DS with ASD who is currently not at school, and a 2yr old DS who is currently waking every morning between 3am and 5am.

DS1 is such hard work. Love him so much but he is very very difficult. Needs constant watching as he is fearless, when I go out of the room to even go to the loo there is always a fight of some sort as DS1 has no empathy and finds sharing impossible. If DS2 comes near him he freaks out and gets angry and sometimes physical with him. DS2 ofc does not understand, loves his big bro and just wants to play with him.

DH works long hours at a physical job and when he comes home DS1 tends to be horrible to him. DH deals with this very well, he is very patient and kind, but I know it upsets him. He also has classes two night a week so is not around then either.

At weekends DH is pretty exhausted, and he has to do all the supermarket runs and sort everything in town because at the moment, DS1 just can't handle anything like that. I can't drive (though am learning) so it would be impossible for me to go, but it's gotten to the stage now where I have had no time away from the DC for months. I've even been taking them on my driving lessons as we just don't have anyone who can cope with DS1.

When we go out at weekends, we always do it as a family.

I don't want to say I am not coping, but I really really need a break. Not even out somewhere, I just need some time alone. I can't even have a shower without the door open and having to get out five or six times to break up fights. We live in a small flat and DH's family live far away, so it's hard for him to take both of them out alone for any significant length of time.

In the past I have had half an hour at max before the DC got cold/tired/bored/missed me. Or DH will just take DS1 somewhere and leave me with DS2.

Got fed up of no sleep last weekend and asked DH to get up with the DC at 5am on Sat. Woke him up and went back to bed, only to get woken by the kids an hour later when DH went to the loo.

I realise I am rambling a bit now, but I just want to know if this is just what it's like to raise an ASD child. Still coming to terms with it I guess. Hopefully DS can get into an SS soon and I will at least be able to take DS2 to playgroups and things.

OP posts:

PolterGoose · 29/10/2013 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lesley25 · 29/10/2013 11:26

Hi Laura,
Do you get DLA/Carers allowance?

In terms of respite - speak to your local carers helpline - most authoritys have one or pm me yours and i'll do a search for you.
Great idea - re. internet food shop.

zzzzz · 29/10/2013 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneInEight · 29/10/2013 14:48

Can you do it the opposite way round and you go out of the house whilst leaving dh at home with the kids even if it is just to the nearest coffee shop. It would probably be easier for dh and therefore he might be more willing.

Firsttimer7259 · 29/10/2013 14:55

Can you pay for or find an agency that will provide a bit of weekend childcare to give you more of a break?or check you are getting all available benefits? I find weekends exhausting and lonely - my h is ill and spends a lot if the weekend catching up on rest he needs. Our church is stepping in with people to look after dd for an hour or two on a Saturday - I am hoping this will make life less relentless.

MariaNoMoreLurking · 29/10/2013 15:55

Could you take up any religion at all as long as it has a crèche a weekly spiritual refuge?

mymatemax · 29/10/2013 18:14

Would you be able to go to a class one evening. What about YOGA?

AgnesDiPesto · 29/10/2013 22:21

DS3 is 6 we currently get 3 hours a week respite (we get direct payments and pay a carer) she looks after DS3 / takes him out while we have time off. We applied to social services disabled children team for an assessment. You have to talk about impact on your mental health / relationship / the siblings of not getting a break to persuade them you have a need - sometimes respite is called 'short breaks'.

Contact a Family website have leaflets explaining the process.

shoppingbagsundereyes · 31/10/2013 10:03

Weekend mornings you definitely need a lay in. Saturdays for you, Sundays for dh. No interruptions until say 8am. That is not too much to ask for. Similarly showers at the weekend should be free from interruptions.
Is ds2 too big to play in the bathroom next to you while you shower on weekdays? I used to get dd to stay in the bathroom when she was little and ds couldn't be trusted. I would put the tv on for him in my bedroom and shut dd and I in the bathroom so I could shower without worrying about her.
Are you dh's classes hobbies or work related? If they are hobbies it seems to me that two evenings a week is unreasonable. You could have one evening a week to do something on your own and he could have one.
I think all this needs discussing.
I find with my dh that an approach like 'this is really upsetting me, can we discuss it' works better than 'you don't do X, will you do Y'

shoppingbagsundereyes · 31/10/2013 10:12

By the way, you say 'it's hard for dh to take both dcs out alone for any length of time' yet you are trying to learn to drive with both dcs in the car! It is no harder for your dh to take the kids out than it is for you to take the kids out. He just doesn't do it as often so moans about it more by the sound do things.
I think zzzzz idea about him dropping you off to so the shopping is a good start. You can wander in peace and he will get some practice entertaining his own children. Do not rush.
Also re lie ins, you have to be stubborn. When I first introduced the idea of alternate lie ins ( after getting sick of dh sleeping in til 8 each weekend while I was up with ds from 5) they constantly interrupted me. Ds would cry, dh would shout at him and I would get up to sort it out. I soon learned that both were subconsciously wanting my attention so that I would get up. I started putting my pillow over my head and pretending to be asleep. They soon left me alone. For about 4 years I have had a blissful lie in until 8ish one day a week.
NB make it clear you are not waking dh up to get up with the dcs. It is his responsibility. If he doesn't send the dcs to his side of the bed. I just say 'mummy is sleeping , daddy is in charge'

blueShark · 01/11/2013 19:35

it was even worse for me (had 2 more babies after DS was dx) but has worked to a point that DH has taken both kids on holiday for 8 days!!!! Be persistent and patient.

Geneticsbunny · 01/11/2013 19:53

Have you contacted your local council about direct payments? They can give you money for someone to provide respite I.e. take your DS out for an hour or two a week. We use ours for extra help at Sunday school but we could be paying someone to take him out to do whatever he would enjoy most ( ballet!) or even look after him at home.

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