Can someone please help me.

[BeYouBeHappy]

Hello Mummies

I am new here, I am at the end of my tether at the moment and I'd really appreciate some help.

I have a son of age 8 who was diagnosed with autism 2 years ago, he was attending a mainstream school up until Wednesday. At school as well as at home he is very difficult, I wouldn't say an handful I would say very difficult.

He has never been interested in making any friends, he calls other children 'enemies' and just won't interact with them. Although he did attack a few children in his class it would take days for me to get him to speak about what happened and his replies would always be the same. 'They need to be punished' or 'I was suing them to pay for what they have done' I don't know where he has learnt that word from... or 'If you do something bad you have to face consequences' it did come into my mind that he was being bullied but he never opens up to any of us and lets us know what is going on in his mind.

He does say some strange worrying things that we have learnt to ignore.

Today whilst in the supermarket at the check out he come out with 'I want to set everything in this trolley alight like a bush fire' the drive home he come out with 'I think it would be best if I died I think it would be best for everyone, right?"

Sorry for going off subject a little bit I just needed to let it out I live with my daughter and my husband and he isn't much help when it comes to dealing with our sons behaviour, our daughter does try and help but she does get scared and upset by the things my son says to her.

Wednesday afternoon I was called to my sons school, he had stabbed another boy in his class with a pair of scissors and also hurt a few other children in his class.

He has been permanently excluded I don't blame the school for coming to this decision. I have cried for the most of the day, I really feel as I have failed my son, I have no idea how to go about finding another school for him, my husband is no help when I called him and told him what our son had did, he said 'well the other kids must have done something to him for him to react like that'

I need some additional support I didn't get any support from the school the only help they gave my son was a teacher who sat beside him whilst in class.

He is not uncontrollable at home he just never wants to eat, he never shows any sad emotions he hasn't cried for years which is not normal, he doesn't smile or laugh either.

I find it extremely hard to punish him as well...

Can someone please help or give me some advice I am very desperate :(

Polter Thanks. I'll look at them both.

What Polter said.

The incident your child was involved in was very serious. You must always refer to it like this, not as 'the incident your child caused/did/ etc'. HE didn't. He was involved in this incident due to inappropriate provision, education and supervision.

You absolutely cannot underestimate the destruction and anxiety such neglect can cause to a child and the subsequent behaviours it can trigger.

This is NOT his fault. And it isn't yours.

BeYouHappy - so sorry to hear that you and your DS have experienced this. The school have failed on two accounts:
Firstly, there is no such thing as an informal exclusion, and therefore the fact that you have no paperwork makes it illegal: (and how crass unprofessional to send his things home in the post)

The headteacher’s duty to inform parents about an exclusion

A guide to the law8

25. Whenever a headteacher excludes a pupil they must, without delay, notify parents of the period of the exclusion and the reasons for it.

26. They must also, without delay, provide parents with the following information in writing:

the reasons for the exclusion,
the period of a fixed period exclusion or, for a permanent exclusion, the fact that it is permanent,
parents’ right to make representations about the exclusion to the governing body (in line with the requirements set out in paragraphs 50 to 57) and how the pupil may be involved in this,
how any representations should be made, and
where there is a legal requirement for the governing body to consider the exclusion, that parents have a right to attend a meeting, be represented at this meeting (at their own expense) and to bring a friend.

Secondly, you have the right to appeal on the basis that they have not made adequate provision for your child, as others have suggested.

Best of luck!

Thanks everyone for all the advice you have given to me. My son has got a lot worst this weekend, and I don't know what to do with him. He set his bed sheet alight whilst he was in his bedroom, thank god for the smoke alarm. When I asked him why he did it, he said I wouldn't understand.

This morning he asked if we could put a lock on his bedroom door. NO CHANCE.

My husband is the only one my son seems to listen to and he is not helping me at the moment :(

Your posts are so familiar to me. I really feel for you (and me and our DSs). After your most recent post I would say you need an urgent referral to CAMHS I would really push for that. We've been referred recently and although in the early stages just knowing some wheels are in motion is something to cling to. I hope you're ok. Best wishes.

As peanut says ask for an urgent referral to CAMHS. Another source of help is social services as the child is at risk.

The school have been unbelievably bad and I am saying this as the mother of a child who was also permanently excluded for violent behaviour.

On the day of the exclusion (with my permission) school called first social services and then the police as this was the only referral pathway social services would accept to try and get us help.

They gave us contact numbers at the LA for the exclusions team and infact had previously asked them to attend child concern meetings so we knew already what would happen.

They had referred us to everyone they could possibly think of to try and get help (I counted ten different agencies at one stage).

ds1 was placed in temporary schooling within two weeks (would have been a week but was close to half-term). Legally, the LA have to do this within 5 days of a permanent exclusion.

They sent home work for the intervening two weeks and in no uncertain terms told the exclusion officer that they would not supply worksheets for longer than this because it was not adequate education.

They helped us apply for a statement (on the grounds of behavioural and social problems) and provided extensive documentation on all the behavioural issues.

ds1 is now placed in a BESD school where he has settled down, behaves generally well and is much happier. The permanent exclusion was the best thing for him although we certainly didn't think so at the time.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. The school have definitely acted incorrectly. Contact your local parent partnership as suggested. Also your local authority have a duty to provide a suitable school place. Have a look at the education section of their website and see who you can talk to there so they can point you in the right direction. Regarding your son's dangerous behaviour ... this can obviously not be left. You say the GP referred your son to a psychologist - has this appointment come through yet? If you have a letter from them you need to phone and tell them what is happening and ask for urgent help. All the agencies other posters have mentioned may be able to advise you. Also try www.youngminds.org.uk/ - they have a helpline where they can get a psychiatrist to phone you back and advise. Good luck and keep posting.

I don't have much experience of high functioning autism but it sounds as if the school are treating him as a naughty child which is very unfair. He cannot be expected to behave like NT kids. I completely agree with those saying a referral to CAMHS would help as it sounds as if his mental health is suffering, poor thing

You son is needy not naughty. His behaviour is trying to communicate something to you and others. Something intolerable was occurring at school.