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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

How do you cope with other parents?

16 replies

sewingandcakes · 21/10/2013 11:25

Just that really, I'm wondering how you cope with other parents opinions of your child?

Ds1 has had difficulties for the last three years at school, initially wandering/crawling around the classroom, fidgeting, sucking clothes, to now throwing pencils, hitting out at other pupils, running around the classroom, generally being disruptive. He's 8, quite bright academically, but only interested in 'his' topics. Really struggles to be on the same page as other kids.

Since starting back in September, three parents have complained to school about him hurting their child, which is obviously understandable for them to do so. I'm finding it hard to know how to deal with this though; we're quite new at the school, I haven't got to know any parents, and feel that they're all watching/judging me and ds as a result of his behaviour.

He's seen a paediatrician for a developmental assessment, and he's suggested ADHD/social communication disorder, so it looks like something is finally happening. Does it get any easier when you have a diagnosis? Something you can tell other people, not to excuse behaviour, but to explain it? Or do you just need a very thick skin?

Sorry about the length of this!

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 21/10/2013 11:27

Do you know which parents have complained?

Original poster
sewingandcakes · 21/10/2013 11:30

One of them, yes, the others, no. The one we know is the parent of one of ds's new friends; he complained both to school and to my husband after ds had spat in his sons face (was playing at wrestling and I think got carried away and took it too far)...

We've only got the paediatricians letter recently, so up until now haven't felt able to tell people that dis might have additional needs.

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 21/10/2013 11:42

Okay. So go to this parent and tell them that you support their complaint and urge them to put it into writing. That you have been trying get proper supervision and intervention for your child who is in the system for a diagnosis but that support is based on need not diagnosis and the more evidence the school have of his need the less able they are to ignore their duty to your son and the other children in the class.

Tell this parent that you will help him with his complaint if he requires it.

Original poster
sewingandcakes · 21/10/2013 11:54

Brilliant, thanks so much, I'd never have thought of that.

The educational psychologist is visiting school tomorrow to get a list of all the kids who seem to need help, so we've been gathering evidence at home (as he frequently lashes out at ds2) to present to them. The Sendco has said it goes to a committee to decide who gets seen, but the system seems so unfair and must be failing so many children.

OP posts:
PolterGoose · 21/10/2013 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sewingandcakes · 21/10/2013 14:45

Thanks PolterGoose, I'll check out that book. The paediatrician is recommending that he sees an OT, and I think we're at the start of a long journey...

OP posts:
Sunnyshores · 25/10/2013 11:55

HUGE generalisation, but most of the 'perfect' mothers with 'perfect' children at my school gates seem to be bitching about someone's child and blaming the said parents. I have no respect and no time for most of them with their trivial lives and perceived woes. I have a few good friends that I aim myself towards and ignore the others. (but yes it still hurts like hell and I dread it).

kafkesque · 25/10/2013 12:47

oh I know what you mean. Again bucket loads of empathy. Hold your head up high and don't make any excuses. I approach it like Forest Gump's mother to keep my sense of humour and sanity. Although it has and does hurt me terribly still.

No it does not make it any easier with a diagnosis. I ignore all the bad people and make better friends out of the good. I am shocked by peoples behaviour (and views in the news) as I always had rose tinted glasses over the way Disabled people are viewed and treated but now we are on the other side of the fence .... It makes it more difficult when you have a hidden disability.

I have been told I am a bad mother for "choosing" our school. I had no choice as SA was refused to start with. People have no idea. I was on a real downer yesterday when even the people who are meant to help don't understand. I just make them work harder for my poor DS then- lots of emails and letters. You can really turn all this negative energy back round to positive. Do it, you just have to look for ways.

NameChange70 · 25/10/2013 13:03

Tbh I have found it easier since diagnosis. Even easier since he moved to special school. I still do drop off and pick up for my older son at the ms school. The difference for me is not feeling the need to explain or justify. Some parents blank me. Some look curious like they are wondering where my other child is lol but don't ask. It matters not!

WilsonFrickett · 25/10/2013 16:39

I think diagnosis gave me a thicker skin, although I don't choose to share it with every judgy pants in the playground, it did help me think 'get it up you, it's not his fault.' (apols for going very Scottish there Grin)

PolterGoose · 25/10/2013 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RevoltInParadise · 25/10/2013 17:29

Watching with interest because it sounds like we are in the same boat and at the same stage of the journey! Although we haven't got an appointment for an ed psych yet.

Flowers for you :)

Catinthebed · 28/10/2013 15:49

For every time someone complained about Ds hitting, I complained too about lack of supervision etc etc hence very speedily we got a statement.

I also researched behaviour management plans found one Ds wud like and printed it out and took it in and gave it to the school. They really didn't like me "telling them how to do thier job" but I just said well do it yourself and I won't have too!

It is going much better now, they listen to my suggestions I listen to thiers and we try to head off trouble.

i think suggest an incident book, look for patterns or triggers. Also every time he does something good get them to give him something eg. a token but if he hits take it away . If 3 tokens at end of day reward either at home or in school.

Any parent who speaks to you directly just say " I am sorry, I will speak to Ds about that" and leave it at that.

elliejjtiny · 29/10/2013 01:36

My DC's SN are different but I find it helps to make friends with other mums at school who have DC's with similar SN to mine. Now there is usually someone who will push my buggy for me while I sort out DS2 and I will do the same for them. We also regularly meet for coffee and a whinge about "the system", DLA forms, annoying HCP's and judginess in general.

2boysnamedR · 29/10/2013 15:28

I think getting the parents to put a written complaint in us excelant advise. It backs up the school are not meeting his needs. I really do not care what other parents think. My ds has a hidden disability so I get " he's fine, there's nothing wrong with him". But again it's not helpful so I bid and ignore. A diagnosis would be nice, but you will always get the idiot that will never understand. Don't waste energy on those people. They are the same people who probably bitch about their best friends when backs are turned. No changing some people

specialmagiclady · 29/10/2013 17:37

Wow - such good advice there about the hurting thing. He's not hurting because he's a bad child but because he is being inadequately supervised at a time they know is hard for him. I am scratching that into my skin with a compass going to remember that one.

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