Not invited to birthday parties

[YassiesMum]

Hello does anyone else have this problem? My DD has acquired brain injury so her behavior can be a bit 'interesting', she is immature and has problems socialising. She is not aggressive (to other children) or unpleasant it's just her social skills are rubbish ( which are being addressed).

The problems is she doesn't really have any friends and she is excluded from things like the birthday party circuit. She is beginning to notice and it really affects her self esteem. She hasn't got other children to play with at school...recently two 'friends' of mine excluded her from their children's birthdays for no apparent reason.

Really miserable - does anyone else have this problem? Any suggestions?

yes - same her. Dd (5) is in Y1. she does not get invited either. this year also one of my 'friends' stopped inviting Dd to her DS's birthday.

Dd does not really notice yet but I find I find it still heartbraking to see

Have you given your dc a big (invite the whole class) bday party. It worked for my sisters dd. my ds has started in reception this year and I must say I'm waiting to see what happens. So far, one party no invite shall battle with bugger them vs shame them when it comes round to his party. To make it more obvious he goes to a small rural school where there is only 8 in his class. He's not aggressive, he's quite busy and he tends to be mothered by his classmates so no reason for no invite. Think the school should do some assemblies, homework sheets on being kind and accepting of others..hopefully the kids themselves would bring a bit of sense home. (might suggest that to ds school)

yup. I posted about it on the main thread and got called a sanctimonious arse. So changed my name.
DD hasnt had an invite in 5 years and is now 9 and notices. She has friends ffs. DH wrote a short article which we posted on the school fb page to a deafening silence. I suspect we are now persona non wotsit in the school playground now, especially with the Head as she likes to pretend the school is al jolly and fairy unicorns.
Yet her friends from school come to hers. (which we are thankful for) but no invites back. Ever. No playdates. Ever. She has cerebral palsy, not Ebola ffs.

This is what he posted.
'There's a debate that's been aired on UK TV recently about whether schools should allow birthday invitations to be handed out in class if not all the children are invited to the party. Obviously there are plenty of sides to that debate, both practical (maybe you can't host a whole class full of kids), particular (do you have to invite the kid that bullies you), moral (why is it any of the school's business - though they're only suggesting a rule for what happens in school) and emotional (isn't 5-11 years of age too young to learn such cruel lessons about exclusion - can't we save those a little longer?) It's drawing in a lot of people because, as every parent knows, there are few injuries that can be done to you that are as painful as seeing your child left out, disappointed, hurt without understanding why... As the parent of a little girl (aged 9) who received her only ever invitation to a school friend's party five years ago the discussion hit me hard. I know at school she must hear the children talking about parties, who went, what they wore. She can't ask me why she's not invited, and honestly, if she could I wouldn't know what to tell her - I can imagine few more difficult conversations. dd has her own birthday parties and I'm more grateful than I can say that each year six or seven little girls turn up and light up her day for a few hours. It's frightening to think how much I'd pay them to come if that were necessary and an option. I understand the reasons she's not invited. People are awkward around her disabilities, worried they might have to cope with something, worried perhaps that we might just leave her for them to look after or that the presence of her carer would spoil things... I understand all that and I can't condemn it. But I think that when those girls are grown, if they could look back at their parties and remember dd was there - they'd feel better about themselves, about their parents, and they'd be better people. So perhaps those mothers could think of my daughter as an opportunity rather than a problem.
I know that the hard lessons have to be learned, that they can't be put off forever... but doctors and statistics tell us that dd is unlikely to ever be an adult, and for me, knowing all the shit she has to put up with and that she's already had to come to terms with... I'd rather see her life punctuated by parties than by disappointments. Bit of a ramble. Sorry'

Not a peep from the 70 odd parents who have seen the post.

Bloody hell...that is shocking. Sounds like I'm just starting on that uphill struggle to change societies perceptions (being hopeful)! Outside the microcosm of my little family (and often within it) it's a mad world. Sorry to be doom and gloom and not offer anything positive to this discussion but if it's like that in school what's it going to be like when he's an adult. I fear birthday parties are just the tip of the iceberg. Fairly new to Mumsnet but is their know crusade to highlight this issue to society?

SA, your DH's article is beautifully and perfectly written.

I hope some of those people are ashamed of themselves.

This is the thing that makes me feel more sad than anything else about having a SN child.

No answers I am afraid but you are certainly not alone.

SA, Off now to have a good cry, your DHs words sum it all up for me x

Sorry if it made you cry. We've had 9 years of this. One parent has contacted me and admits she is rather ashamed and assumed dd didnt go to parties. What? She holds them, invites your child who plays with her at school all day but doesnt attend parties?
Anyway. She had the grace to apologise and said they will come play after half term so that is one good thing. First playdate ever. I havent told dd just in case.

Think your DH is a bit of a fucking hero actually.

Where in the country are you SA? Only answer that in a very general way obviously!

sarfish. DH is a writer. I'm barely coherant. Except when pissed when I'm great