Where to go now?

[jojane]

Ds1 is nearly 7
He Is very hard work and has lots of aspergers traits, low muscle tone and flexible joints. Has only just become toilet trained although still occasional accident when on computer etc, late talker, extremely advanced academically, no social skills etc etc.
He is on a school action + Learning plan at school (who have been great), he's sees the peadratrician every 6 months and is just abOutnto start a course of hydro therapy and occupational therapy. He has also had speech therapy in the past.
I feel that up until now everybody (including us) has been concentrating on the physical aspects of his problems, mainly the wetting himself. But other stuff such as speech, handwriting, scissor skills etc. obviously these are all things that he needs to get on in life, blend in etc which is fine but as he has over the last year Improved greatly on all of these things the peadratrician said on the last appointment she doesn't see the need to formerly diagnose him at the moment.
I now have 2 areas of concern, firstly is his academic progress which obviously I can discuss with school and also home learning (which he is reluctant to do) but not sure how much I should push this issue? When he started school 2 years ago he was assessed as reading age 14+.

My main area of concern is his social skills and his melt downs, current triggeris getting ready for school and several time I have put him screaming and kicking in the car in his pants so that he doesn't make his younger sister late for school, he then has to get dressed on car when we get there. I jut feel that nobody seems to want to offer us support/advice on these aspects of his difficulties which seem to have been overshadowed by his physical problems which I suppose are easier to solve.
I suppose I just want to know where we can access support/ if there is any support out there?? What do I need to ask for?

Wot polter says. Also think about losing ecery avoidable stressor, guaranteeing some sort of predictability and built-in rewards for mornings.

So if he hates (say) running out of weetabix, buy his own supply that no-one else can touch. Extra-soft school jumpers from BHS. Timetable of what happens next. Same parking spot every day. Story CDs, DVD player or tablet/computer games for car.

Apologies if teaching my gran to suck eggs

We've worked on all of this via ABA - they have done social skills, motor skills, behaviour, toileting.
We have it funded on the statement but DS needs fulltime ABA support.
There are few if any LA / NHS services offering joined up support at home / in the community etc. Usually a hotpotch of advice from SLT, LD nurse, autism outreach etc although many of these will only see a child in school. So you are pretty much abandoned at home.
If you can afford it I would pay for some ABA training and support outside of school hours. Once you have learnt strategies and established them at home its easier to then get schools etc to adopt them.
Not a cheap option but some charities eg Caudwell Children will help.
DS doesn't have physical motor problems as such its more he needs the skill broken down and taught step by step and that he doesn't practise the skills as much as other children so needs programmes for scissors etc.
You will find once you have learnt about ABA you just naturally change your parenting style and become much more consistent etc and that really helps with behaviour at home. Its no magic wand, its hard work, but in our case very effective.
It can depend on the meltdown, for DS they are very much about avoiding adult demands / work / things he doesn't want to do and him wanting his choices and not about anxiety.

Thanks, lots of advice
What is ABA?
Because Ds isn't severely aspergers it's very hard to differentiate between aspergers behaviour/meltdowns and normal 6 year old boy misbehaviour!
A main trigger/stres point is surrounding his use of electronics. (iPad, computer, Xbox and wii). We allow him n them but then have major meltdown when it's time to come off (even though we tell him at the start when he has to come off ie tea time, and also give him a few Minutes warning) this then leads to a spiral of screaming, we then ban him from electronics, he then behaves beautifully so we allow him back on cue more screaming when it's time to finish. The first thing out of his mouth in the omorning is can I go on xyz when I get home from school, if he's not on electronics he's reading.
We have a visual time table for the morning routine which ends with time on electronics if we have enough time but then get a meltdown when I ask him to get in the car, or if we don't have time for electronics as he's taken too long to get dressed.