Any words of wisdom or advice to cope with ds (age 9) school refusal /meltdown and hearig the words "mummy you hate me don't you ...that is why you send me to school"

[bizzey]

He is yr5...Don't think he has ever liked school or his teachers ...though I have to admit he has got a raw deal on them each year !

A reception child saying "why do you send me to school...Don't you love me any more " was alot easier to cope with than a yr5 child saying (with piercing blue eyed contact stare !) ......"You must really hate me if you want me to be so sad and unhappy all day"

This week has been horrible

Mon...Melt down /refusal and almost sick.....no one to hand him over to so took him home to work out the problem.

Letter wrote by him to SENCO what help he needs at school (had a thread on this)

Tues...Went in happy with me and had a meeting with Senco ...all good

Weds...same as Mon but handed him over to HT ...all 3 of us had had a chat

Thurs ...no eye contact with me but goes in

Fri (today) ...The worst ...tears and snot TA took him .I was strict and firm ..but felt like shit and walked out of school in tears

School are being good but his "spectrum" (professinals quote...."something is going on ....we just don't know what yet" )

Lot more I could write/add but I won't ...but the 2 main ones are....

He thinks I hate him because I make him do something that makes him sad (

If the teacher says something like "Class 5 settle down now ...there is too much noise (normal teacher comment)....He take it personally and get upset...because he was not making any noise !!!!

How do I get my over anxious sensitive little boy through school please !!

Oh abtw....He is a stubborn little cutie

Thanks

It was my ds that had the tears and snot ....not the TA ..

Thanks Poltergoose...As his older (by 2 years ) brother said ..."well he just needs to toughen up a bit"...which is true ....but how ...there is no reasoning with him ?

It's so hard isn't it . I have, many times, gone home and cried for hours with the guilt and heartbreak of leaving ds screaming and begging me not to go and being restrained from running after me.

Re going in in the mornings, he's been much better since we arranged for him to arrive 15mins early and go straight in to his classroom to meet his TA instead of having to line up outside with everyone else.

And yes he's the same re perceived criticism/disapproval and will often have a meltdown over a comment that wasn't even aimed at him.

Jacksterbear ..thank you...I would like to say ...nice to know other people have had the same problems...but I dont mean it that way bbut sort of nice to know other people "get" exactly what I am saying !

The going in earlier is something to consider.

How did you deal with the criticism/disapproval not directed at him problem ?

I'm not sure it always gets better or easier. My son is 10 and now out of school and I feel like I have spent all his childhood forcing him into an environment which is completely hostile to him and from which he will learn nothing.

People can argue that children learn from the peers, or develop social skills from being at school or that school is the good training for life.

That might be the case (but not always) for a typically developing child but I am not sure that any of this applies in the case of a child with a developmental disorder.

I am sorry if this seems unhelpful or pessimistic. It is based only on my experience and the experiences of other children I know. But I really wonder what the point is in shoving these kids in to an environment where they are so stressed they can't learn and which is likely to cause secondary mood disorders.

Much better to learn the skills they need for life in a more suitable environment or in a way that suits them. This includes coping strategies, building confidence, social skills etc in the real not school world where a horizontal peer group creates a wholly exceptional social environment which will never be replicated in real life.

"How did you deal with the criticism/disapproval not directed at him problem ?"

Very much a work in progress! I guess that comes down to trying to reduce anxiety levels generally and working on recognising and managing his emotions.

In DS' case, this involves OT (for his sensory issues, which we think are the main underlying cause of his anxiety), CBT, and various support measures in place at school (eg visual timetable, home/school book, "safe place", sessions to talk about emotions with the behaviour specialist) designed to a) help him feel secure and in control so he's less likely to get distressed in the first place, and b) help him realise when he's getting distressed in enough time to do something about it.

We're just starting out with all of this, so school still presents lots of problems at the moment. I found it helpful to try to think of all the different things about school that ds finds difficult: separation from parents, demands, lack of control over the schedule of events, frequent transitions, group work, noise, brushing against others, sitting still, planning and organising, frustration at himself at not being able to do things as well as he'd like or not "winning" at something, not getting the constant attention and reassurance that he craves to help relieve his anxiety.

(* = all problems for him because of his sensory difficulties)

Ok that turned into quite a long list!

All that work to force them into a system - for what? I just wonder what we fight for.

State money and interventions from agencies to 'help' kids act like everyone else in conditions not comparable to real life.

The school system is so out dated and out of step with the modern world even for NT kids, but its normalising agenda is positively brutalising if you are 'different'.

It is little wonder that two-thirds of teenagers on the spectrum have secondary mood disorders.

What price your mental health?

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying school never works but when it is very hard, why aren't there alternatives?

Why isn't our system more flexible?

You are either in school or out. If you are in school, you are either m/s or special. But you are always full-time. Why?

Why not pare down the curriculum? Why not get rid of the stuff they don't want to do,forget PE or art or assembly or whatever group frenzy drives them crazy, use part-time schooling where appropriate, let them go in for lessons that they want to attend at secondary, let them work in libraries and take on responsibility for their own independnet learning. Why not use remote learning more? Why bother forcing them in to lunch halls or any of the other peculiarly 'school' social phenomena which provide no 'learning opportunity' and just cause stress.

There just needs to be more creative thinking for these kids. Too much money is plowed into knocking square pegs into round holes.

Then parents flock to indy SS costing when the rigid demands of mainstream fail their kids. The private sector then charges sums like 60k a year to do art, photography and cooking with no outcome measurements. The local indy ss here had only one child walk out with a GCSE in English when at least 300k had been spent on their education.

The whole system stinks.

I went to a 'walk in my shoes' last night. Simulation of what it's like for a child with dyslexia at school. I was totally exhausted after a reading, writing and listening class of 15 minutes each. Imagine this 6 hours a day, every single day, day in, day out.....and this torture is for any learning difference.

Please look into alternatives; whether that is going down statementing route (it took me 15 months from start to finish but eventually got a specialist dyslexia school agreed in part 4 of the statement; time is of essence and from your post it's crucial he comes out NOW) or homeschooling. This situation can not continue for your son.

X

I have a square peg in year 5. Due to circumstances beyond my control we are currently trialing online schooling this term. It's VERY early days yet so I can't yet predict how it will pan out long term, but I have MY child back iykwim.

DS is so much happier, he's engaged with his lessons, enthusiastic about his learning and willing to give new things a go in a way I haven't seen since he left nursery. I am able to spend the time he isn't in lessons or doing (MARKED!) homework helping him with his OT exercises or his literacy in way I never could before as frankly he was always too stressed out. He's becoming far more outgoing and is practicing his social skills (asking directions in our new town, shopping, etc) to a far greater extent than he was able to when in school.

My time is now free to focus on helping my child rather than the next school meeting iykwim, so I'm feeling much more productive.

I'm finding myself totally on the fence about sending him into a brick built primary again as he only has 2 years left before secondary. He needs the emotional recovery time from all the damage done. Also he appears to be making academic progress for a change! (He's only NC level 2 so bloomin needs to as actually the fact he can't read or write was contributing to his emotional distress in school iykwim!).

Secondary will either be a specialist unit or we'll continue online. I'm not prepared to see his childhood completely destroyed just to make him "conform" when it's been proven beyond all reasonable doubt that no matter how hard he tries he just can't. Strengthening my resolve is my knowledge of a few adults I know on the spectrum and their experiences & outcomes. Every child deserves an emotionally secure childhood, even if they are a bit different.

Bochead - which online school are you using.

Thank you all for your replies What you have all been saying is so true.

Bochead...Same quetion sort of ..."what is on line school?"

inappropriatelyemployed , i agree . the system does stink !

A link that sums up online schooling better than I could.

www.best-online-schools.org/online-schools-british.html

The UK schools are all modeled on the English NC (annoying if you prefer the Scottish curriculum or want your child to learn Welsh).

In the US, Canada & Oz they have really taken off & if you don't mind leaving the sacred NC behind these offer some fantastic choices! (Stanford is the high school I'd rec for any truly gifted children at the opposite end of the academic spectrum to my own lil darling!).

Part of the reasoning behind my own choice was meeting a few Canadian families who had done the online high school experience all the way through and made it to college. I was impressed by their social skills.they weren't on the spectrum but I found myself comparing them to some of the inner city comp job candidates I came across back in the days when I had a career. The online schoolers had the skills that mattered iykwim such as basic grooming & manners. Being able to sit still in assembly is NOT a life skill once you reach adulthood.