Naughty kids=bad parent or something else?

[CoteDAlbatre]

DS mostly behaves well at school, but is a nightmare for me at home. DD is the exact opposite.

I've tried all the naughty step/time out/sticker charts a hundred times over but still they don't behave.

Is there some way I can have them assessed, to find out if they have any SN or if its purely just down to me being a bad parent?

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post but I am so desperate right now I will try anything.

Yes I have genuinely tried everything. I have a bookshelf full of parenting strategy books. It sometimes works as a novelty for a few weeks but nothing seems to stick long term. Or I sort one problem area and they start doing something else instead. I even asked for help from the GP/school nurse who sent me on a parenting course.

I'll try to answer your questions about what they are like as best I can

DS is 6 and in year 2. Socially, I'd say he's not bothered by other people unless they are doing/talking about something he is interested in. Most of the time he plays on his own at school and has never shown any interest in bringing a friend home. Emotionally- he has 2 emotions, happy or angry. That's it with pretty much nothing in between. He refuses to sleep until around 10-11pm most nights (this along with getting dressed is our current major battle) but doesn't seem overly tired in the morning because of it. His diet is quite restricted also. He has eaten exactly the same thing for breakfast for years, always has the same school dinner and other than that he mostly only eats sausages or chocolate. If these aren't available he will happily go without (for days) until they are. The only area there are no problems is academically. He is top set in every subject and predicted level 3s in his SATS, in fact in maths he was assessed as a level 2a half way through year 1.

DD is 7 and year 3. socially she loves talking to people. Everyone and anyone although she does struggle with making actual friends (though she considers anyone who speaks back to her to be a friend) On the 2 occasions she has made a good friend at school, she quickly becomes absolutely obsessed with them and it usually ends in tears. She is over-emotional about everything. She was 'heartbroken' (her words) about not being allowed a second slice of cake today. At home this usually comes out as crying but in school she gets angry and aggressive. It takes her a very long time to calm down and any intervention will make matters worse. Her sleeping and eating are fine though, in fact she will happily sleep at any time. Only problem with eating is she won't use a knife and fork, prefers using her hands and its not quite the same thing but she still puts non-food items in her mouth all the time too. Academically she struggles and this has been made worse by the amount of time she has spent out of class (for bad behaviour) over the years I think. She hates writing and will avoid it if she can and is currently working at a 1b level which I'm told is approx. 2 years behind. At the end of last year the school got her a statement of educational needs to try to help with this but I don't know if it has made any difference so far.

Sorry I have written so much, its really hard to explain what they are like without seeing them in person. It sounds bad what I have written, I know, but I do love them both, just they are such hard work all the time. Its like they are the exact opposite of each other, even though they are sister and brother, so dealing with both at once can be really difficult.

I would recommend going back to your GP and requesting a referral to a developmental paediatrician.

Your children do sound like hard work, are the school supportive? They should have logged all the times when your Dd has been sent out of class.

Keep a diary of their behaviours, what triggers them and how you deal with it. This will show the proffs that you are being consistant and will help to unpick the problems.

Good luck

Just started reading that link... "he's making bad choices" this pretty much sums up the school situation for DD. All their behaviour stuff is about making the right choices and keeping the golden rules. DD knows the golden rules and tries hard every day to keep them, but usually doesn't manage it. So then she gets sanctions and is angry about it and also upset with herself. This causes her to break more rules and it all starts to spiral out of control.

Pretty sure the school think I'm an incompetent disciplinarian too. Most of the time i believe this myself too.

Oh your DD sounds identical to friend's daughter. A diagnosis of SPD made all the difference. Just the simple stuff makes a change - she now has a box in class with teacher and when she needs it she can go get a fiddle toy, for example.

There is a lot about your son that makes me wonder but it is so hard to get help from school when it doesn't appear there is an educational need.

NynaevesSister- the school had a behaviour therapist come in for DD last year who gave her a box of fiddle toys to keep in the class room. They were used as a reward type thing, so if DD behaved or did all her work she was allowed to pick something to play with. They stopped it after a couple of weeks though because they said DD distracted the other kids with the toys and on a couple of occasions she pushed or smacked other kids when they tried to touch the toys or box.

Oh and DS has behaved very well all morning, but that is because I have just left him plugged into his computer games the whole time, I haven't even tried asking him to get dressed (his most hated thing at the moment) or brush his teeth. I know this is really bad parenting but I'm feeling ill (recovering from bronchitis and now have toothache too) and couldn't face the battle.

I've realised though that the peace this morning is probably not worth it though because now I am going to have to force him to do 3 of his worst things- stop playing computers, put clothes on and go in a shop, all one after the other.

Hi, Just reading this and can very much empathise with you cotedalbatre - my DS (7 with SPD) is still in pjs and playing wii. I make myself feel better with the fact that he is being active with the wii! But after huge meltdowns and behaviour issues yesterday I'm still in bed and hiding from what I should be doing!

Hugs x

Well as predicted it was a battle that took nearly 2 hours to get to the point of being able to leave the house. And now I have to start again with the task of getting him ready for bed, staying there and hopefully eventually going to sleep. Looking forward to few hours rest for myself, before starting over again in the morning for school, which will be twice as hard with DD also screaming and crying because she doesn't want to go. Where am I going wrong?

I agree it is time to ask for assessment for both of them As others have said you have gone to parenting classes and read all the books you can get your hands on, so the next step is to investigate if either child has some difference that makes life harder for them. So ask for assessment. (OT and developmental paediatrician perhaps). I recognise my own struggles in what you say, ds not wanting to dress (tick) dd getting discouraged at school because she is working so hard to 'behave' as asked and getting into trouble despite trying so hard ( tick). My heart goes out to them and you. Ds has sensory processing disorder (and poor motor planning difficulties) as part of his ASD/ADHD, which is I think why dressing is so hard for him. He hates change. He is impulsive, and really has difficulty stopping himself between thought and action. Once teachers and us understood what he found difficult then we could all start to support him as he needed (well that's the theory anyway!). ((Hug))
I often think I am a useless parent too, but then I look back and see how far ds has come since those early difficult days!

Got DD to school, not too badly today with her only shouting 'stop the vehicle' all the way. It didn't last though as I was called back to school in the afternoon as she was sent to the isolation room again. I got told she has been spiting and poking her TA, licking the windows, laughing, singing songs and rolling on the floor (she was doing the last one when I arrived) so I took her home. The reason she gave was that she wanted her old teacher back (had a supply teacher today) and a girl made a horrible face at her.

By the time we got home she was crying and saying sorry already but I told her how disappointed I was with her behaviour and that poking/spitting etc. was unacceptable. her response was 'I promise I won't do it again, its all my fault, I'm an idiot, I should just run away and never come back' Problem is She has said all this before and it does happen again so I don't think any lessons have been learnt. How do I make her realise this can't carry on? She spent about an hour and a half crying in her bedroom and has refused any dinner (I said its down here when she wants it) but is now jumping around her bedroom pretending to be a rabbit!

Meanwhile I have been trying unsuccessfully, for the last 3 hours, to get DS to do his homework. He has to write 2 sentences. So far he has managed 1 letter! He has also spent most of that time crying, shouting, screaming and swearing at me as well as throwing pencils, snapping pencils, throwing lego, pushing over a chair and smashing his glasses.

I've had enough. I really can't cope with life like this every day anymore. Part of me wants to take both of them to the police station and just leave them for someone else to deal with. I know that's wrong and I really should be trying harder to sort this out but I just don't know WHAT it is I am meant to be doing.

Cote, I'm surprised that your DD managed to get a statement without you getting some sort of assessment from the Paediatrician? Have you never seen someone to assess her before?

Your children are both struggling so it's no wonder you're having a miserable time.

Can I suggest you keep a diary for a week or two (one for each of them). What happens, what happened before, and what the consequence was.

So, for instance, 'asked DS to do homework - 2 sentences.' '2 pencils snapped, glasses broken, lego thrown...homework not done.' 'DS stressed for the rest of the day.'