I did something very very bad.

[Crawling]

DS is being investigated for asd and adhd and yesterday he had a meltdown over a ten pence coin I took away. This meltdown was on the way to school and he was kicking and hitting me and his sister and wouldn't stop. So I smacked him he then threatened to punch my face in so I smacked him again he then started punching me so I smacked him a further two times.

None of these smacks were hard enough to leave a mark . Am absolutely horrified by what I did I have told school what happened and I have phoned my bc and told her. She is trying to refer me to a specialist nurse to get information on dealing with challenging behaviour. But in the meantime I am not coping with Ds meltdowns obviously as I smacked him. Can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with this behaviour in a more healthy way.

Once DD is in meltdown there is nothing to handle, no way back.

We have to avoid getting to that point at all. We are on constant alert for her triggers and flashpoints. Avoid confrontation at all costs, but without giving in.

I'm sorry you are struggling with your children, and I'm glad you are seeking help for your behaviour.

Thank you I don't know why I reacted that way this time we have had a 100 just like it having two autistic dc we get them frequently.

I agree with everything Poltergoose said, I do everything in my power to avoid a meltdown before school, we nearly had one on the way to school today and I could feel my stress levels shooting up at the prospect! I was on the verge of shouting "you can't always have your own fucking way!"

I haven't read the explosive child but I think I may order it. Ds's meltdowns aren't very frequent but I think that's because we have become experts in avoiding triggers. But it worries me that in reality ds has us so well trained

Crawling,

There have been incidents in ds' life when I have behaved in the same way. When you are in the moment and absolutely clueless as to what to do plus filled with frustration and anger and pure helplessness you kind of give the 'shock us all out of this unbearable situation' route a go.

It doesn't work. You feel terrible. You spend the next few weeks even more depressed about the situation than you did before and are riddled with the most unbelievable guilt that stops you from seeing things in a rational way for a bit.

I just want you to know that whilst it isn't an acceptable behaviour, it is understandable and to some extent normal as an infrequent occurrence. None of us is infallible.

But. You are reflecting on your behaviour, seeking help and trying to prevent the situation from repeating. Try and put the incident in the past.

One of the things that will help you feel more in control is to carry round a small notebook, and record his behaviours that make you feel frustrated/angry/helpless, in the form of an ABC chart. It will give you the role of observer and scientist, and help you to be more objective and less emotionally involved. You also have a record of specifics which you can then try and find solutions for and/or show them to outside experts for advice.

And what Polter said. Your margins for 'controlling' your child are different to others and imagine that we, here are the onlookers, not the smug parents of NT children. You don't have to perform for them and you don't need performance anxiety on top of everything else. You live with very different rules.

Thanks all I will definetely read the explosive child you've been more helpful than I deserve.

crawling I feel for you, I really do. I'm sure all us here have responded in ways we're not proud of, i know I have. We're all learning, about ourselves and where our own triggers/limits lie as much as our children's (I think anyway). The trouble is the pressure is so enormous, it's just very hard. That's why I come on here so much to learn from the wise ones above (as in the comments above mine, not celestial creatures . The morning school run is the worst part of my day. If it goes without a hitch I feel like punching the air in celebration.
Be kind to yourself, it isn't easy.

Never got to the stage with DS you have, as I grew up with a challenging sibling, but have seen other adults do so on occasion. . I agree with the "explosive child" rec'.

If you can get there the charity Ambitous about Autism does genuinely useful courses in challenging behavior for HFA/teens/girls/those kids others seem to ignore. They are based at Treetops in N.London (10 mins on the tube from London Bridge).

They helped me when noone else could,(or would) and have continued to give me ongoing advice over the phone at times. I can't praise them highly enough, as they seem to dare go where noone else does. www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/page/what_we_do/training/training_programme.cfm

Linda Miller wrote a book "The five point plan". It's based on using traffic lights. I've also found this incredibly helpful. she's a very smart EP who specialises in the top end of the spectrum and those with "olympic ring" diagnoses. Very,very helpful if you can get her face to face.

"123 magic", (another book) is I am told fantastic with adhd kids. It certainly works with DS's 3rd cousin. However I found it no help at all with DS (AS/sensory). It's worth a red just in case it does help your son as he has a duel diagnosis.

Don't beat yourself up.You are in uncharted territory & the important thing is to recognise that your isolated behavior on one occasion isn't the answer. If your child is late for school on the odd occasion is it REALLY the end of the world? Sometimes if it takes plonking yourself and the child on the floor in the middle of the pavement for 15 minutes till they calm down then that's what has to happen for everyone's safety.

DO deffo keep a diary listing all the triggers for challenging behavior including environmental (smells, noises, scratchy clothes, wide open spaces, time of day, place etc). it's amazing how a couple of months (or weeks if you are lucky) can help you identify the triggers. Once you know the specific trigger to a really challenging behavior you are 90% of the way to sorting it, even if it takes months of slow, steady plodding to help the child resolve it.

crawling I don't have anything to add but just wanted to say thank you to you for starting this thread as I have found it really helpful. I try to be calm with ds most of the time but it is really hard and I am so worn out with him never ever ever doing what I ask him to do first, second or even fifth time. It is draining. And the hitting, strangling, calling me names. Jeez. So just to say, I hear you and I hope things get better soon.

crawling, don't be too hard on yourself. You are no different to a large % of parents who have, on occasion smacked their child.
Don't dwell on it.
Pleased to hear that it may help you get some additional support

Thanks all I feel a lot better now and I hope the nurse I'm referred to will be a great help. Your advice as usual has been excellent.

Ambitious About Autism mentioned above by Bochead is based at TreeHOUSE, not Treetops which is in Essex, just in case there is any confusion. These responses are great. I also recommend you Google The Challenging Behaviour Foundation, an excellent organisation with a parent-to-parent forum and a parent-to-professionals forum. I also found going on a Mindfulness course immensely helpful even though I was immensely sceptical beforehand. You can look for these on-line although the one I did was aimed at people involved in ASD

Davros would you mind saying where you did that mindfulness course? Think I would benefit from something like that, although probably very expensive?

I will let you know, it was some years ago so I need to get the correct info. It is the thing that made the biggest impression on me and the most difference to my own behavior and feelings. It was called something like "managing challenging behaviour in autism" so I was expecting to learn a few new holds! When it became apparent it was quite the opposite to what I expected, and was what I would usually classify as mumbo jumbo, I decided to stay anyway and so glad I did. It was one day only which I think is unusual. I'll get the info and post later.

P.S. cardboardcactus, dies that make me one of "the wise ones below"!

Definitely!