How do you communicate with school without your child knowing?

[claw2]

I have previously asked school in writing NOT to write negatively about ds in his planner, as ds uses it on a daily basis and can read it. I asked them to write anything negative in home contact book and hand it to me without any discussion and the fact it has been handed to me, i will know to read it.

However they have continued to write in his planner. On Monday TA has written in ds's planner

'Ate nothing at break or lunch' ds has put an arrow pointing to this comment and written 'i was sad and upset'

TA has also written 'Drama got a bit upset' ds has put an arrow to the word 'bit' and written 'a lot'.

Yesterday the TA had a word with me in front of ds about ds getting upset in school and said that he written in ds's contact book (he is just suppose to hand it to me) In the car on the way home, ds got the contact book out of his bag and tried to read it. I had to tell him not to and take it away from him.

The contact book contains sensitive info, like ds self harming and poo smearing and school reporting behaviours to me, which i don't want ds to read.

I have taken the contact book out of his bag. So how do you communicate with school without your child being able to read it?

I have requested that already Polter and in writing. I have asked that the TA and I not speak about anything negative in front of ds.

Yesterday when I picked ds up, ds was close to tears. His TA following behind, telling me had a bad morning, been upset and had a couple of falls and a head injury. I was saying ok, ok, ok. I think it then dawned on him and he said I have written in the contact book.

Once in the car, ds was obviously then curious about what was written in the contact book.

I had previously emailed him, stating that if we had a bad morning and ds was clinging to me and upset when we arrived, I didn't want to talk about it in front of ds, but would just hand him the contact book and he could read about why.

I would bypass the TA and speak to the teacher. Ring for an appointment during school time and speak to the teacher or someone on the senior management team about your concerns.

ds2's planner ended up being a waste of paper as the TAs never took any notice of what I wrote and on one occasion it lead to a self harming incident. (I got very cross and went to head of year) Once or twice I wrote in red and in capitals putting FOR THE ATTENTION OF MRS XXX (class teacher) PLEASE READ THIS AND TAKE NOTE. Other times I would put a letter in an envelope and place it in the planner to be handed in.

eatyourveg The class teacher and HT, along with TA were copied into my previous email. I have emailed again today copying in teacher and HT.

We were running late this morning as ds didn't want to go and I had to give him some time to calm down. For now I have taken the contact book out of his bag, put in an envelope and left at reception for TA, with a brief note stating 'please do not put in ds's book bag, will email later to explain'. I have then emailed.

polter the communication and purposes of the contact book and planner seems to be all over the place. They are recording some behaviours in the planners and others in the contact book.

They don't seemed to have grasped that the purpose of me recording ds's negative perceptions of school in his contact book, isn't a criticism of school, but a bid to help them to understand his behaviours and perceptions and how he is feeling and where he needs support.

I have a meeting tomorrow, but I would rather not waste time on minor issues such as how to use a contact book and planner.

polter Depending on who I speak to, I get different versions of ds's day. (ds has separate teachers, for different lessons)

For example class teacher will approach me and say things like 'ds has been fine, he has been happy, no problems and if he tells you otherwise, he is lying'

Ds will then tell me the total opposite.

I look in contact book/planner written by his TA to find things such as he has been upset during x, he didn't join in with x, he didn't eat anything, he struggled with x etc. (all the things that ds is reporting he worried about or struggled with)

Now class teacher and TA share a class room, but it appears don't share information.

The purpose of the contact book as agreed at last meeting, was for us to both to record ds's behaviours, to help us both gain an understanding and kinda draw it all together.

Ds's statement is also crap and it is evidence of need too. He is having these difficulties and displaying these behaviours because he is struggling in certain areas. All the areas he isn't being appropriately supported in.

Ds now hasn't eaten in school or at home since Monday, he is also drinking very little and his lips are cracked and he has sores on his lips.

If I just write 'ds hasn't eaten today and isnt drinking' and school write 'ds hasn't eaten today and isnt drinking'. We then need to know why.

If I write ds has told me he didn't eat or drink today as he was feeling sad and upset. He was sad and upset because he struggled in x, y, z (mainly unstructured times)

Then surely the simple answer is give him more structure/more support to enable him to eat and drink, rather than just keep recording it in this stupid book.

Sorry for all my posts, im just trying to get organised for the meeting tomorrow and don't know where to start. Getting it off my chest and written down, is helping!

Claw - I think that the problems that you are having at the moment are good evidence that DS will not be magically OK but needs support - especially, it would seem, from OT.

DS1 is a weekly boarder and I have had absolutely no contact with any teaching staff. On the other hand the SALT and the OT frequently send emails. The OT has specifically requested feedback of parental observations of anxiety. She then communicates directly with teachers. She even emails me on a Friday to remind me.

I think you are talking to the wrong person. I get the impression that the TA does not know what to do with the information? If you were feeding back info to an OT they would have approaches to reduce anxiety. This is what needs to happen imo - you have moved past the stage where you need teaching staff to agree with your observations.

You have always been clear with the LA that the current statement was insufficient to meet needs, but were not exercising your right of appeal as you were anxious that DS should be in a school. DS is now attending a suitable placement but the statement remains insufficient to meet need. You have to meet all of the needs at the same time not some of the needs some of the time. Then the effects are cumulative and positively feed into each other.

The school are applying the statement as it stands but you do seem to be in the 'suck it and see' (do we (the LA) really have to pay for support) stage and so it was inevitable that DS's ability to cope without support would be 'tested'.

The alternative was that DS remained out of school whilst you appealed the proposed.

Neither choice was ideal and this is the drawback of the path you took.

Are the school still collecting evidence of the need for more funding for support and amended statement?

Keep, it seems school don't know what they are doing and the only evidence of need is the bloody contact book.

Class teacher is saying ds is 'fine' all the time. He seems to be of the opinion that all that is needed is a 'firm' approach.

TA is recording behaviours all over the place and doesn't seem to know why he is doing this.

Then class teacher and TA don't attend meetings, but the HT does, so any feedback from HT at these meetings I assume will be gained from the class teacher!

I have a meeting tomorrow and I don't know where to start.

CAMHS will be at the meeting tomorrow, however they have had no involvement with ds since October last year and will be about as much use as one of those nodding dogs in the back of your car. Their role is 'advisory' although they just sit back and leave it for me and school to sort out. They regard it as 'educational' and have told me numerous times they don't get involved in 'educational' recommendations. All they do is waste time when they speak. They go all around the houses, without actually saying anything.

Social worker is attending to end her involvement, as she has no role to play. Although she is a lovely woman, she has no understanding of ASD and doesn't know ds at all, apart from hello and goodbye.

I have asked TA if he can attend, he says he will, but will probably just confuse things even more. He has been trained to 'think positive'. When discussing difficulties and strategies with SALT, all he could muster was oh yes but ds did so well in x today (yes we know, but that isn't what we are discussing!)

I feel I am going to have to take control of the meeting (very carefully, so as not to be 'negative'), otherwise we will all just sit there discussing how well ds is doing (he is, but doesn't mean we just ignore the difficulties)

Alternatively I can just sit and listen. As you say you have to meet all of the needs at the same time not some of the needs some of the time. Then the effects are cumulative and positively feed into each other.

Ds is very much having good weeks, bad weeks, I suspect depending on how well his needs have been met that week or how much he has struggled. I just worry I am the only one seeing this pattern.

Polter, I sent email to HT, CT and TA about the reported bullying. HT response was I will leave it to TA who would have a better idea of the events of the day. TA's response was 'I was on duty for the second half of lunch and I didn't see anything negative happen, but I can try and find out and girl x (who did the pinching and pushing) can be very tactile, I will keep tabs on it'

1. It could have happened during the first half of lunch or maybe you didn't have ds in your sights for the second half.

1. Of course I want you to find out, that was the purpose of me emailing you asking you to investigate.

1. Another boy was with ds when it happened and witnessed the incident and told the other boys to leave ds alone. Ds named the boys. Shouldn't be that difficult!

1. How about telling girl x that she shouldn't be pinching and pushing ds.

Yep that was plan, as I was asked to 'start' the last meeting, all the positives first, ds did have a good week last week and school are ready and willing to communicate (which is a first!) I tend to always start with a positive.

Ds hates it when you try to minimise his feelings. For example 'im stupid, im a loser, i failed in maths because of x,y,z' if I say 'oh it couldn't have been all bad' he gets very annoyed, tells me I don't understand and then refuses to talk anymore.

If I acknowledge how he is feeling first 'I can see you are feeling upset and that must have been frustrating for you' rather than dismissing him, he is then less defensive and I can then move on to something positive.

I don't think they are making a fuss, I think they are being very dismissive of him. I know giving a behaviour too much attention can reinforce it, but just dismissing it with 'oh stop being silly' or 'just get on with it' really isn't helping. Ds is just feeling like even more of a failure.

I do ignore behaviours such as poo smearing, I just clean it up when ds isn't about. The self harming, I deal with very matter of fact, as I cant totally ignore as I often need to put antibiotic cream on them.

They appear to be taking the ignore and dismiss approach to everything he does.

I do think at the meeting you should emphasise that as a result of the current situation your ds is not eating which school have confirmed is the case there too - this will have a negative impact on his ability to access the curriculum and he will no doubt be feeling really awful. it simply can;t be allowed to carry on without a strategic plan being devised, agreed and implemented by everyone involved with your ds. ds2 often stops eating when he gets to stress overload and when he was younger he was hospitalised several times because neither we nor school could get him to eat or drink. he finally had it added to part 2 and 3 of his statement as it was having such a negative impact.

You need to get them to realise the serious consequences of what they are doing and what they are failing to do

You may like to remind them of their obligations towards the every child matters outcomes enshrined in law in the childrens act of 2004 and the equality act of 2010 particularly outcome 1 regarding physical, emotional and mental health.

Eatyourveg, he started off not eating anything in school, as they were expecting him to just choose from the hot menu (he has never eaten a hot proper meal in his life and has an extremely restricted diet). CT approached me and asked me to supply a packed lunch (none of the other children have a packed lunch) and ds just wouldn't eat it anyway, if he was stressed.

They agreed to provide less threatening food and food that ds would eat at home. Ds was currently eating a slice of dry bread and sipping water (although offered other 'accepted' food)

I was giving ds money to buy a breakfast bar at break time and he was.

So progress was being made, he was eating dry bread, sipping water and eating a breakfast bar (having not eating at lunch since starting school in 2009!)

I was going to suggest implementing an OT eating plan (which was given to ds at his previous school, but never used) where he chooses one food from the hot menu to try per week.

However he has now stopped eating and drinking since Monday and I think the OT plan is going to be a waste of time, until they address the areas which are causing him stress or he is struggling in, as it has a knock on effect to his eating.

Its a vicious circle. His statement is crap, school are following statement.

Thanks getting it off my chest, written down and reading your advice has helped me to focus on what I need to address in the meeting.

School have just emailed me and agreed that emailing instead of contact book is the best way to communicate. I followed your advice Polter and suggested, they record their observations, I record ds perceptions and my home observations and we exchange once a week, unless its urgent.

that sounds positive - if he is refusing to drink though as well as eat you need him to be in hospital so that they can hydrate him with an IV. Perhaps you only mean at school and I have misunderstood.

If you can get fluids down him at home consider getting something along the lines of complan or maxijul - just to give him a boost and help regain his strength

Hopefully after the meeting there will be a consensus on the way forward and you will have turned a corner.

Good luck

Thanks eatyourveg, the school have been helpful in some areas, im just a little concerned that we are not viewing difficulties in the same way and ds will be stuck with the crap statement.

Although there does appear to be some correlation between what ds reports struggling with and what school report he struggles with. We just appear to have different opinions of WHY he is struggling in those areas. It seems school feel ds just needs a firm hand, rather than strategies to help him.

Hopefully this meeting will make it clearer.