DP cannot cope with DC's autism

[twosourgrapes]

N/C - I occasionally post here about DC1 but don't want to out myself.

DP and I are not getting on.

I think a lot but not all of it has to do with DC1 (severe autism). we also have DC2 & DC3 (both NT). DC1's asd just seems to add so much extra pressure onto us. for the last year DP has lost it more and more often with DC1 (usually awful shouting & screaming). and we are fighting daily too. he is also very resentful towards me, telling me that I put him into this awful situation (he now says he never wanted children in the first place).

I do think DC1 autism is too much for DP to cope with on a daily basis and I really consider splitting up. anybody made the same decision in a similar situation?

the only thing I really worry about is being a lone parent of 3 DC. I have no family in this country and no support network whatsoever. and then there is the financial insecurity (I work only p/t on a shitty wage and could never support the 4 of us)... sorry I am rambling. just can't think straight.

telling me that I put him into this awful situation

That would finish it for me.

What a self-pitying waste of space.

You may actually find it easier if he goes - you'd have one less child to look after.

I'm sorry you're with such an unsupportive asshole.

i do think autism puts a huge pressure on your relationship. Dp and I have had times where splitting up has been seriously on the cards as either one or both of us were not coping well with ds. In the end we have pulled around because we probably both realise that ds needs both of us and that we would struggle alone with him. That said if this is more than just a bad phase then yes I can see how it could be easier alone. I think the main thing for me would be the shouting because although we have our moments one of the main things for us in surviving is trying to stay calm and avoid shouting because ds gets very upset and angry if there are any raised voices. Shouting always makes everything worse. The other thing that helps are anti depressants for dp who just doesnt funtion well without them. Is there any chance you can sit down and have a frank converstaion with him about what you need from him and give him the chance to see how his lack of coping is having such a negative effect on you and your ds? I also think it is worth spelling it out to him that either he needs to help parent or he will need to consider whether he remains in the relationship. Dp who is clearly aspergers needs everything spelled out to him. Often he will mull it over and will later on admit he isnt coping and will improve.

Do you get any respite? It sounds like dp is at the end of his tether. We can all say stuff we maybe don't really mean when we are stressed. Family breakdown is one of the criteria up here for getting respite care. Do you have a social worker or someone at CAMHS who could help you ask for this? It sounds like you are having a really tough time and you both need some help.

Oh and I also totally agree about ASD adding masses of extra pressure to relationships and families.

DC1 autism is too much for DP to cope with on a daily basis
This may well be 100% true, but isn't always permanent, so doesn't necessarily lead to the obvious solution I really consider splitting up

Pros: if he goes - you'd have one less child to look after
Cons: being a lone parent of 3 DC

Other options: happy pills as said above (him ideally, but even you if it would help being in a bubble where his misery doesn't drag you down); a better care package (we need respite right now otherwise we'll split & i'll fall apart & you'll end up with dc1 in care & maybe dc2&3 too); letting him escape the house for some stupid hobby that takes up most of his time; random things like melatonin for dc1 so s/he sleeps on schedule...

if you decide to keep him for a bit longer, knowing you could simply change your mind and boot him out can be remarkably helpful. Single parenthood of 3dc & 1 set of SN has major disadvantages, Polter and wet are right too: being exactly like a single parent, but with an annoying albatross husband (and maybe their outlaws too) can be even worse

Ds's dad couldn't cope with his Autism, still cant and ds doesn't have severe autism. He seemed to view it as a tarnish on him. He also suffered with depression (which he blamed on ds and used for self pity)

I split up with him 5 years ago, a lone parent to 3 kids, best thing I ever did. As others as said, I felt like a weight had been lifted.

He hasn't really seen ds in 5 years, more recently ds asked about him and asked if he could see him. He saw ds about 3 times, before he couldn't 'cope' anymore (and ds is well behaved) just an excuse, some people are just a waste of space. I also asked him to fork out half of the cost of ds's new school uniform, which just happened to coincide with his inability to 'cope'.

I don't have any family near by either, im always skint, still the best decision I ever made.

thanks everybody.

I do get what polter and wet said and I wish it was that easy.

I already give DH loads of time out. I do all the household, cooking & cleaning, school runs, Dr appointments etc and let DH bugger off on the weekends (gym etc) for hours. I also work during the school hours. So I have no time to myself: I am either at work, commuting or at home with the DC.

I tried to get respite and failed.

but I don't think I would cope on my own. DH helps getting the NT DC to bed, does the shopping (we cannot take DC1 to the shops) and we share annual leave to cover DC1 during school holidays as there is no childcare for DC1 available. I don't really see how I could all do it on my own. Who would look after DC1 in the school hols, how would I be able to do the shopping etc?

DH has mental health issue but refuses ADs...

should try the maria approach and will try change my mindset.

Sorry but Maria's approach seems to me to be a variation of staying together for the sake of the children - and we know that that doesn't work.

You say you do all the washing and cleaning. I presume that means you clean up after him and wash his clothes. Ditch him and that's a few less chores you'd have.

Shopping can be ordered on line and delivered to your door.

Presumably he'd want time with the children post any spilt - so you'd actually have some 'you-time' when he has them - something you don't get at the moment.

His childcare responsibilities wouldn't end if you split so that's not a good reason to stay.

The last thing you want to do is to take ADs to drug yourslef to be able to get through the day with a slefish shit of a DP.

I have no sympathy for him at all as he could take the ADs and hopefully would then be more 'engaged' with you and family life. Instead he sounds like a selfish git.

And don't think you can just put up with it all for the sake of the kids because living with him like this will drag you down more surely than splitting would. At least by splitting you'd be too busy to sit around getting depressed.

I understand where your coming from, my dh found in very difficult to not only accept but to come to terms with our ds being serverely autistic this was 13 years ago, and we went through a very rough patch, it was also made even more stressful because my dh side of the family could'nt accept it either, they thought he would miraculously be cured one morning, I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall trying to get them to understand. For my dh and I it all came to a head when my ds was about 10 years old and his behaviour though not violent got very bad constantly crying pooing everywhere, even though he had been dry day and night since he was 4. I said to my dh while really crying that I can't do this anymore, I was very worried about the effect it would have on his younger sister who is NT, my ds was taking all my time and attention that I did'nt have much left for our dd, so my dh rang our autism nurse and said you will have to take ds into care unless we get some respite, we then got assigned a social worker and I am glad to say we did get respite and still do one weekend every 4 to 5 weeks a month and the odd days during the school holidays as well which is great and were able to do things with our dd that we are unable to do with our ds. It certainly for us has changed things for the better for us, and our ds enjoys going for respite I think he see's it as going for sleepovers which is what a child of his age would be doing. I hope this helps.

Shopping - online shopping, gets to bevery fast once you are used to it, you can even buy season passes etc.
Getting the others to bed - might be easier without him there, try something like 123 magic.
School holiday care - are there any charities that can help? Try the NAS helpline (if you were in Surrey or Hampshire I know a charity that might be able to help).

How much help is he really if he resents DS1 so much?

Nothing to add to the sterling advice you have, just that he sounds truly toxic and controlling.

You may well be better off without him and I'm also horrified at the suggestion that you should yourself to make that arsehole less arseholey.

you should drug yourself

Agree OP's DH is behaving like a prize numpty. And if that permanent, agree with everyone's suggestion of being single & in control. Living with a depressed person acting like an ar*e is enough to make anyone anxious/ depressed/ no confidence... which isn't a good place. Apologies to anyone who thought i was advocating stepford-wife-ness. Though I do advocate working out if respite, carer input and sleep clinic might help, and if so, attempting to get them.

What i meant, was that using meds to protect your own mental health from living with someone totally miserable and behaving like an arse (while you work out whether you are better staying or going) is a reasonable option, definitely no worse than DVD box sets, chocolate or wine.