in a state of upset here and really need advice (is poltergoose around ?)

[thriftychic]

ds 14 ASD , have had 3 years of school misery , only diagnosed last year. he hates school and recently had an issue with ict . ds2 has not been doing any work in this lesson and from what i can tell him and the teacher dont like each other at all.
When he started back the other week he came home telling me he had asked a question about the mouse sensitivity and she had been really off with him saying you dont need to know anything about that . he took that quite badly . she gave him detention the week after for not working. he says he doesnt understand even when she explains again etc .
so , on tuesday it hit an all time low , he got so frustrated and was rude and walked out , she was going on at him (he says) . i got a phone call saying he had shoved the teacher and was now pacing the corridors in an agitated state . he says he opened the door to go back in the classroom and she was behind it , it was accidental. tbh once hes in that state of mind im not sure he knows whats what anyway and i dont think they handled him well.
he often refuses to go to school at all and now they have phoned to tell me he has an in school exclusion for 2 days . this means he has to go to the behaviour support room from 9:30 until 4:30 pm. i know now that he will not leave the house to do this and will be at home distressed instead.
I pointed out that he already knows that you shouldnt shove people etc and he needs someone to sit down with him and help him with the skills he needs to respond better next time . that this isnt going to help anyway.
I dont think i will ever get him back to the school now he knows the exclusion is waiting . no idea what to do and really upset

Oh no and I thought you had done so well to get him to school this morning. Is it possible to speak directly to Mr xyz?

the pastoral lady is going to ask him to respond to my email that i sent friday morning.
i am not sure who i want to speak to now , mr xyz , mrs N who told camhs that it could poss be a one day exclusion or camhs who told me to use that as a bargaining tool to get him there today.

well , no response and no call back from the senco either .
ds2 has arrived home balling and shouting at me not to talk to him and to stay away from him etc as he has been shoved in what looks like a toilet cubicle all day ( he said)
so , i am hiding upstairs and hoping his xbox calms him a bit as i can see a meltdown coming on

Don't send him in tomorrow - let him do the 'exclusion' at home and tell them it's a reasonable adjustment.

buss i am liking that

they may well throw their toys out of the pram in response but you have CAMHS in agreement that the exclusion is not in ds's best interests.

sooo frustrating , have emailed again and still no response. ds2 on the verge of meltdown earlier again but somehow i managed to diffuse it ...for now
maybe they are just going to ignore us and then try to say its unauthorized absence

i wanted to make sure i had things in writing as poltergoose suggested but they just arent replying thats 2 emails one today , one friday .
i will have to now call them .
sorry for wittering on to myself but being in the house with ds2 like this is sending me doolally !

that's so unprofessional of them not to respond to you
did you keep him off?

yes , i had no option he wouldnt go anyway. I have just phoned and it turned out they had replied to my first email on friday but to a wrong address. they have just re sent it . they are skirting around the issue , saying he is to go in a classroom setting to talk about his behaviour . but its just the isolation room , they are not backing down on the second day exclusion. ds2 has been so unhappy about going in that room that he was talking of killing himself earlier so he didnt have to go.
i have replied to the email saying i would like him to return to normal lessons tomorrow and be able to talk to someone about future strategies in a mutually agreeable room (instead of a room full of excluded kids) with someone he feels comfortable with. heres hoping !

wrong address...do they mean your old email address? That sounds worrying in itself.

They sound very inflexible. It's not in ds's best interests to do the exclusion. And surely ds and you need to know exactly what is happening tomorrow to control his anxiety.

he had sent it to admin
he hasnt replied again so now we are in limbo again tomorrow . They should have just had him in the behaviour room yesterday to talk about it but instead they prioritized the punishment side of it and he sat in a cubicle unable to talk all day .
i will ring tomorrow and say either its normal lessons or he wont come , what you going to do about it ?
i highlighted these issues that i thought caused the behaviour

Difficulty persisting on difficult or tedious tasks

Difficulty considering the likely outcomes or consequences of actions

Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem

Difficulty expressing needs , concerns or thoughts in words

Difficulty managing emotional response to frustration so as to think rationally.

Difficulty seeing the greys / concrete/ black and white thinking

Difficulty empathizing with others appreciating another persons perspective or point of view.

Difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts simultaneously .
the school say they are going to explore them with ds2 but to me that needs exploring with the teachers and how they are going to help with these issues . maybe im being cynical now but surely its part of asd and helping him develop .

how can school attempt to explore the issues with ds2 if they don't understand ASD themselves
I agree you need to explore the issues with the teachers instead.

i know
i am annoyed that he even discussed my email with ds2 .
it was agreed with school a long time ago that anything one to one didnt work and interventions should be indirect as ds2 does not accept his diagnosis and the mere mention of it has him spiralling into misery and refusing to go.

this assistant head has totally gone against this .

He seriously thinks ds2 is going to sit and talk in the behaviour unit for day 2 of his exclusion. I got a text this morning saying 'please be aware ds2 is expected to do his 2nd day internal exclusion today'

I am no longer encouraging him to go , i dont want him to , it wont help , he will start all the talk of killing himself again

i had all this at a previous school , they wouldnt listen , he ended up in a bad state and at home for 3 months .

waiting for the assistant head to call me. ds2 is NOT doing this exclusion i am

bless you poltergoose and right back at you

Could you ask school to convene a child concern meeting where all professionals concerned with your son discuss the issues (CAMHS, exclusions officer, education welfare officer, teachers etc). We have found this to be a bit helpful for our sons - perhaps school will listen to advice if it doesn't come from a parent. I do sympathise - having major problems with ds2 (10, AS) at the moment and settling into his new school and just dread to think what he will be like at 14.

well i could try , i worry how long that might take to come about though. camhs have already spoken to school and got nowhere

The biggest difficulty is persuading CAMHS to come although we are now seeing a psychiatrist with ds2 who wants to have another meeting set up. Our HT was desperate willing as she had run out of ideas so organised it within a couple of weeks of their first exclusion so did not take that long to set up.