help with parenting techniques please

[dishwash72]

We are advised that DS8 does not have Aspergers however I am posting here for advice on some strategies that might help with parenting techniques for him as I dont find that typical rewards and punishments work. He presents with many characteristics of Aspergers. Am hoping to receive less criticism than by posting on the other boards.

My main problem surrounds getting to and from school. School report that he is fine there but I feel that he finds it very stressful to conform hence the explosion on the gates. He finds all change difficult and we manage every activity at home with a kitchen timer and 5 minute count downs for everything.

Generally DS has a huge tantrum on the school gates as I collect him. I hand him food and drink as soon as I see him as this does help as he has generally not eaten or drunk much.

However DS does not respond to any bribe to get him to walk or scoot home. For example if I say lets go home nicely and you can do the ipad and have a lolly he will leap up and down howling that he has never been allowed on the ipad in his life. If I promised to take away a treat he will just say he doesnt care. I have always always followed through so dont make idle threats but it has never made any difference as he wont show that it bothers him and just says I would never have been allowed it anyway. He will happily just read instead and I have never banned books.

DS has 3 younger siblings which make it more challenging to manage him on the school gates however they are all well behaved and can be reasoned with but can get distressed if he takes his anger out on them.

He is much better at weekends or school holidays and can be the most delightful company although is always challenging.

Any suggestions welcome.

Have you discussed it with the school? Could you not have a joint policy with them?

Read 'The Explosive Child' by Ross Green. He describes how such children (and there are a LOT of them) lack the emotional tools to handle changes and how to give your child explicit guidance in this area.

Who advised you that he does not have aspergers?

When DS was a bit younger than your son, I had terrible problems with him on the journey to and from school. I made up a book of rules for him, concentrating on how he needed to behave in order to keep everyone safe. Admittedly we had a car journey, but the theory is the same. DS has Aspergers and bought into this much better than when we were going down the bribery/sanctions route. The rules were simple things like walking correctly on the pavement, not running ahead etc.

It sounds to me like he is having problems with the general madness that is the turn out at the end of school, all the other children running about, parents calling to their offspring etc etc. DS used to hang back in the classroom for a few minutes until most of the other children had dispersed and it was a bit quieter.

Multi disciplinary team at CAMHS but dont get me started on their incompetence and total lack of professionalism as it could take over the thread. However the main issue is helping DS without any diagnosis as we are not going to be asking for a 2nd opinion.

Thanks I will have a look at The Explosive Child book as it is one I have not tried.

I would prefer to try other techniques before approaching school at this stage but would as a last resort. However as they report no issues in school I am sure they think it is me. Whereas the size of his tantrum relates to the stress of the day ie new teacher/supply teacher/school report pending etc makes it far worse.

Sunnymeg – please can you explain more about how you got the rules to work. Do you think your DS didnt know the rules before or did writing them down help? I am certain my DS could recite them perfectly.

So what did CAHMS say he DID have? And was there a clinical psychologist in that multi-disciplinary team? And finally, how much of their decision rested on the school's opinion?

Sorry, it sounds like I am diagnosis-happy. I'm not. However if you are diagnosed with a disability you also 'acquire' certain rights that can be useful to lean on when things are going wrong.

How do school know he is fine? do they monitor his anxiety in school and how? Do they ask him?

I was told the same thing for years hence it must be mum. If a teacher asked ds, he would say he was fine, to avoid being questioned. If asked to rate his mood, he would give a smiley face, again to avoid having to give an explanation as to why he wasn't fine. If he did speak up and say what he was unhappy or anxious about ie school, he was told not to be silly, no wonder ds's reply was always 'fine'

However whenever he was observed in school by experts who understood ASD, he wasn't 'fine', he was struggling and big time.

Anyhow on a more practical note, my ds is similar. He would meltdown before and after school, because he was finding the school environment very stressful and wasn't receiving any support for his difficulties.

Things that helped.

Ds needs time to prepare himself for what will be a stressful day for him. He cannot tolerate noise when stressed, which includes me trying to talk to him. I avoid talking to him, other than simple instructions. He likes listening to music on the way to school, but no talking.

On the way home he is the same and gets very irritated by talking. Even if he talks to me, he wants me to listen, acknowledge what he is saying, but no questions. He then gets changed straight into pj's and goes to his room to either play x-box or line things up until dinner time.

After dinner, he is then far more relaxed and socialable.

and a change of school, who are better suited to dealing with HF ASD and the difficulties, where he receives a lot more support than he did previously.

My Ds tends to be the last one out some of the time too and he does seem a bit more relaxed when he does. In the past we have had shouting and screaming the moment he walks out of the door (much to the other parents and Dc's amusement) because x,y, and z had or hadn't happened, refusal to walk, demands of what he would or wouldn't be doing when he gets home. To begin with I tried what you have said e.g giving a drink/snack, bribery etc. Then one day I really wasn't in the mood for it so I just ignored him and slowly start to walk away, after his shouting got louder for a split second he followed me very slowly although still chuntering , by the time we got half way home he was holding my hand and calmed enough to volunteer what had upset him...which was something really small (to most) which he had been bothering him all day and we had a chat about what had happened closely followed with a big hug. From that moment on I realized that my trying to make things better when he left school was actually making matters worse and have done this ever since. I do the same in a morning too.

DH has been going to a local 4 week course run by the NHS in this area. It is full of parents who all share similar experiences but where the school claim that there is no problem.

Unfortunately, ime because the school said that DS1 was fine and submitted negative questionnaires to the comm paed we were refused assessment. Because of both of these things (inaccurate school reports and absence of assessment and/or diagnosis), it was then impossible for me to get the LA to agree to SA. CAMHS don't do ASD in the absence of mental disorder in this area. I went private and had the SALT Margo Sharp administer the DISCO and had a consultation with Daphne Keen, Consultant Developmental Paediatrician.

Long story short, DS1(12) is now at OOC indi ss.