DS has a friend coming to play, do I explain to the mum in advance about his difficulties?

[Jacksterbear]

DS is 6 and has SPD and anxiety (/?PDA) is prone to major meltdowns, and has been known to shout/scream abuse at his friends, including threatening to kill them, and throw things at them. On a good day though, he's charming, caring, sensitive and lovely.

I don't really know the mum of this friend but ds has asked if the friend can come to play and the mum has agreed. From what I've seen, ds and his friend are very fond of each other. Obviously the friend, who is in ds' class at school, will be familiar with his behaviour as he has meltdowns at school regularly, the whole class have to be evacuated, etc. but I don't know whether the mum will be aware of it.

Should I tell her in advance? I don't want to scare her off for reason (ds might well be fine) but don't want her to feel "tricked" if I don't mention it and ds does kick off.

Overthinking, I know, but ds doesn't have a lot of friends and I suspect he is on track to start losing the ones he has as they get older and less tolerant; so I'm really anxious to encourage his friendships wherever I can.

Scare her off for no reason

If the friend is coming to your house then I probably wouldn't say anything - I'm presuming you'll be monitoring the situation closely. If DS is going to friends then you have to tell her I'd say.

Argh, do you think, wilson?

Obviously I'll be closely supervising and the friend won't be in any danger of physical harm but ds could flip very quickly and frighten/upset her which I'd feel terrible having to tell the mum about if I'd not given any prior warning!

Thanks Polter, some useful tips there (as always!).

We don't have friends home, as ds just cannot tolerate it, he will interact for a bit, then want them to go home and has no problem telling them to go home as he doesn't like them etc, etc.

I find I am left entertaining his friend, while ds shuts himself in his room!

I find ds has more success on neutral ground, out of the home.

Ds recently asked if a friend could come home, once I explained they might want to play in your room, they might want to play with his things and touch them. Ds changed his mind.

I would say make the rules of having friends over very clear beforehand.

Thanks claw. Yep, that has happened to us too (DS telling friend to leave / hiding in his bed under the covers).

Arggh. So nervous.

The good news is this girl seems to like DS' overbearing physical affection (he likes to give bear hugs, hold hands, hang onto arms, cling onto legs, grab others round the waist and lift them up, etc) whereas most children find it (justifiably) annoying.

Oh a girl, I assumed it was a boy (how sexist of me!)

Ds seems to get on far better with girls than boys. He says girls are more mature and more sensible than boys!

Personally I wouldn't mention anything to the girls parents, unless your ds does behave in a way you don't want him to, then mention it.

Thanks claw (and I would probably have made the sane assumption!)

same not sane!