What should I be asking of school/what can I reasonably expect?

[PrinceRogersNelson]

DD is 4.10 and has just started reception. She has recently been diagnosed with dyspraxia and verbal dyspraxia. She was at the school nursery last year and the same SENCO covers all Early Years.

She was on SA+ last year and has had IEP's in place through nursery.

She is doing OK at school I think. She wants to go everyday and is happy enough.

However - she is being quite difficult at home. Gets upset when being asked to do anything. Our household is pretty stressed out at the moment.

At school she is wetting herself everyday. She doesn't do this at home, but we do provide a lot of support to her (remind her to go, help her with pulling up, getting on the toilet etc).

Everyday I am being met with a disappointed smile when I pick her up, get told when and where she wet herself and given the plastic bag of shame.

I realised today that my stomach was churning when I went to pick DD up and was yet again met with the same look. I just picked DD up and left fighting tears yet again.

We have applied for a statement and they have agreed to assess. School supported our statement request and have asked for 1:1 support.

I have no idea what is happening at school. They are not communicating anything to me and have yet to tell me anything positive about DD :(

I just don't know what to do. I feel completely lost and like I have no idea what is going on in the 6.5 hours that DD is away from me and in school.
I have tried to give them ideas about how to encourage DD to go to the toilet and I think they have put them in place. They say she wets herself when no one is with her. So should they put someone with her, or am I expecting too much?

Honestly I just wanted to punch that fucking smile this afternoon and that doesn't seem like a good place to be.

p.s. my anxiety levels are pretty high at the moment. I feel judged by school and I am not really reacting 'normally' so I really do need some help to see the situation for what it is and some guidance as to what I should do next.

If I was in your position (and I've been in similar, it's shit, and you have my sympathy), I would demand request a meeting asap, in advance of the statement (great news btw), to review her IEP. It needs to contain targets and support that is relevant to her needs as they currently are. You should also demand a home/school book. And, even without the statement yet, someone needs to be allocated to supervise her. If she's on SA+ and probably will be statemented, this is not too much to ask for at this stage, imo, especially as they are agreeing she needs 1:1.

The only thing to bear in mind is that it is really early days. Don't mean that to sound like a platitude, as I have been where you are, and it is awful seeing your child switch overnight into an unhappy child you don't recognise.

But it is all probably exacerbated by the strain of a full-on 5-day week, and the resulting tiredness. My ds has just gone into Y2 and for the first three weeks was horrifically stroppy, grumpy, difficult - prob due to combination of culture shock of going back and having demands placed on him, and tiredness. School would give me the usual 'but he's fine here' nonsense, but at home he was explosive like he hasn't been since... oh yes, starting reception... Into the fourth week it is improving.

Anyway, ask for meeting to review her IEP asap, and remember that every target on there must be measurable, so they shouldn't just get away with a "wait and see" do nothing approach, but it must have targets that have specific outcomes, eg "dd will be supported by a member of staff in xyz way until she is successfully and independently using the toilet".

Do you have access to special needs / continance health visitor?

Ours is great. Laid down the law with the school and set up care plans... clear direct and no nonsense approach..

Also was hot on self esteem... Wouldn't allow plastic bags handed over in playground in full view so everyone knows.

dd's lovely ta is so discreet. Bags up and places in her school bag.. No more walk of shame... No one would know she's had an accident. Writes up in book for me. E.mails me if necessary or discrete word away from prying ears.

Very common that accidents increase at times of stress. Also they put so much effort into holding things together at school, that at home they let it all out... Hard work to deal with.

Hope the statement comes through quickly. Having good support makes such a difference both at school and the knock on effects at home..

Good luck with it all.

Thank you both.

We are supposed to be having a meeting soon as they have to write more for the statement assessment.

I think I need to get across the following:
We knew she would wet herself at school. It is the first thing that goes wrong at times of change and stress and she clearly needs more support to ensure that she is using the toilet. And I will make sure it is on her IEP.

I will ask that a little more sensitivity is used with regards to communication. If I feel humiliated at pick up time I am quite sure that she does too.

I will ask what support they are going to put in place for her whilst we wait for the statement to come through.

And I will try not to cry.