Can anyone help me, help my DS?

[Andro]

My DS is 10, he's generally very tolerant and pretty open to giving anyone a chance. He's also adopted, his bio parents were killed in a car accident and he had PTSD as a result (he was in the crash but had no memories of the crash or the run up to it for years, his memories returned several months ago making his PTSD symptoms worse). He's having therapy and progressing well...or at least he had been progressing well until the start of this term.

There is a boy in DS's class with ASD (I was informed by the child's mother), unfortunately he has become fixated on my DS because, like him, he's adopted. The fixation manifests as relentless questions about why DS is adopted/what happened/what did 'it' (the crash) look, sound and feel like etc, failure to answer these questions results in a meltdown. The flip side of this is that the questions are triggering DS's PTSD symptoms and he's having episodes at school. School is at a loss as to how to manage the situation (their SN specialist is off ill atm which makes matters worse), the other child's mother thinks DS should be more tolerant and more open to answering questions, I would like my son to be able to go to school without fear of flashbacks/panic attack/throwing up and then having nightmares at home. I'm not unsympathetic to the difficulties which must arise from having a child with ASD, but equally I'm struggling with the feeling that my child's issues seem to be dismissible - shouldn't we be trying to find a way to help both boys?

Short of isolating my DS or moving him (he's in his last year), can anyone give any suggestions as to how my DS can manage this without causing the other boy to melt down (or anything I can suggest to the school)? Things such as 'I don't want to answer that', 'please don't ask me that', 'please go away' have all failed miserably and telling him straight out that 'your questions are making me ill' just caused more questions and resulted in them both having 'episodes'. Class time generally isn't a problem, it's break and lunch where the trouble occurs - DS just want's the questions, and the inevitable fall out, to stop.

I just don't have enough knowledge to help him with this

TBH the school need to handle it and they need to get expertise advice.

Personally, I would spend time with the child with ASD 'training' him not to ask those questions.

I would also give your son a prompt phrase such as 'please stop' or something that he practises over and over until he is confident using it in difficult situations, and then 'training' the ASD to engage in appropriate behaviour whenever he hears your child saying the prompt phrase. The child with ASD will need a lot of training with adults first, with peers and then with your son, and he'll need to be rewarded for achieving the goal.

No experience but didn't want to read and run. Horrible for your poor DS

Here are some suggestions.

His class teacher allows him to go to sit in the library or somewhere away from the other boy. Or they alternate days, so there is no chance of them meeting.

Your Ds takes up a hobby at lunch time eg chess club and the staff are primed to ensure that the other boy is nowhere near him.

You write to the head teacher and if there is a separate head of pastoral or someone standing in for the senco, ask for a discussion and suggestions.

If they fail to put anything in place, contact the chair of governors .

General advice, keep up with positive suggestions, and document everything. Follow up meetings with an email recording what was said and decided.

Thank you for answering.

I'll suggest this to the school. Should my DS start using a prompt phrase now, even though it will cause meltdowns?

ancientbuchanan - chess club is a great idea, thanks.

Op,

I'd do the lot!

Obv difficult for you to insist re someone else's child, but the school has a duty of care to them both.

Oh, and I'm so sorry your ds is going through this atm and hope he gets through it okay and you're able to address this other boy's unintentional though inappropriate questioning.

If a dc is doing something that causes injury another dc, and it keeps being repeated despite simple measures, they need more supervision. End of.

Triggering PTSD flashbacks with repetitive questions is the same as causing bruising with repetitive kicking. If you can't stop dc2 kicking, and you can't get dc2 away, you put an adult in the middle

Thank you again, I'll take all the suggestions to the HT and make sur DS knows to be calm, clear and use a set phrase. I know, and DS knows that this boy isn't being deliberately hurtful...it's just hard to feel so helpless when 2 children are suffering so much though no fault of their own.

The set phrase will only work if the child with ASD has bee trained and supervised in the corresponding response.

Yes, I agree with all the others that your ds should try repeating 'I'm not going to talk about that any more', and nothing else. I'd be doing the same as poltergoose says, and practising at home with my (asd) ds. In fact we do this already, atm when ds goes on and on and on and on about dr who...

But your poor ds - it must not be down to him alone to stop this! An adult needs to be the one who is doing this, and removing both boys from the situation, and rewarding the boy with asd when he doesn't talk about it, and talks about something else instead. An adult also needs to be working with the asd child to expand his repetoire of conversation, and again, rewarding him continually for talking about other topics.

If the boy with asd has a meltdown because your ds refuses to engage with it, it's a teacher who must take charge of the situation, not your ds. Doesn't matter that it's at breaktimes - supervision is needed at all times if necessary, not just in classtime.

Sorry no advice despite being a mum to 5 adopted DC's and I feel you need to be commended on your attitude to the other child.
I really hope this can be sorted for your poor DS
XX

Thank you again for all your advice. I had another meeting at the school this morning with the HT, the head of upper school (juniors) and the father of the other boy and took all your suggestions with me - it was far more productive!

The father was much more willing to work with everyone to sort the situation out, he understood that I'm not trying to cast blame...I just don't think the status quo is healthy for either child. He has suggested my DS use coloured cards to signal whether a topic is okay (green) or not okay (red), it's the system he and his wife have used to teach their DS over the years about appropriate/inappropriate behaviours but it will take a while for him to introduce the concept of DS using this system as well. His opinion is that it will be easier to build on an established response cue and his DS is more likely to respond positively, I'm happy to follow his lead on that as is the school.

My DS helped at lower school lunchtime French club today (major privilege) and will do something else tomorrow at a different club as well as staying in during break. I'm fine with this and the situation will be revised on Monday with supervision/separation put in place as required - the support is there, it's just that no-one had any idea how to implement it. Hopefully we can eventually reach a point where both boys can get along without meltdowns or PTSD episodes, they have a shared interest in fruit and vegetables of all things so that could make for a few interesting discussions in time. The father seemed a little surprised that I was willing to encourage a potential friendship as long as we can sort out the current problems!

So, once again, THANK YOU! I actually feel as though I've been able to do something to help, DS made it through today stress free and with a little luck he should manage a nightmare free night.

I haven't told DS about the fruit and veg interest yet...the current plan requires them to stay apart for now

So glad. Welled up a wee bit. Thought the father sounded eminently sensible and touched.

Don't forget to email, recording decisions and expressing gratitude for positive steps. People react much better to praise....and the record could come in useful if, as might happen, there us a cover teacher who doesn't know them and hasn't been told.

IME, schools are grateful to parents who come with ideas of how to solve things..

I emailed this morning to confirm the arrangements and thank the HT for both the speed and robustness of the school's response - my email has also been acknowledged so there is a suitable record of the matter.

Excellent. Sorry if teaching grandmothers etc, bit IME records are essential.

Hope today and all the tomorrows go better as well.

Maybe (in time) you could suggest school get them growing some carrots

The habit of these questions really is the same as if the dc with ASD were repeatedly poking or kicking another dc in a particularly painful spot. It's nice to know it isn't malicious, but it's still up to the adults to stop it happening and teach a replacement behaviour.

And it sounds like you've figured out a good plan: you, the dad, and the HT together. A sensible HT is a massive asset

Andro Thank you SO much for coming here, listening and acting. It really means an awful lot.

I don't feel I should have to be grateful for attempts at reconciling relationship difficulties with our kids but it isn't as common as it should be and it restores some faith.

I hope your efforts pay off and the relationship goes forward rewarding for both children.