Counsellor says I need to talk to ds differently. Websites? Factsheets?

[Oblomov]

Ds1(9) AS, spent a lot of money on dh's credit card, over the summer. He lied about it all summer. Downloaded the joy of sex and made videos of him and ds2, to put on u-tube.

SN suggested he was seen by counsellor.
He is not affectionate or appreciative of all I do for him. He talks to me with little respect and dh was shocked when he heard him recently, (when ds1 didn't know that daddy was upstairs listening).

I am really struggling in my love for him atm.

Counsellor will see him weekly for the next 3 weeks.

To me she recommended 'love bombing' by Oliver James. I was put off by Oliver James previous views. And I didn't like the fact that in this book he says that Autism is not a medical thing, is over-diagnosed, but an attachment issue . So, blame the parent again. Bad parenting. We've all heard that one before, right !!

Today, she told me that the way I speak to ds could be worked on.
I can be abrasive, but I often adjust what I say. I am perfectly able to say to a friend 'that blue dress suits you better', rather than what I am truly thinking, 'that that is truly awful and unflattering'.

She recommend the BBC parenting website. I looked by couldn't really see what she was referring to.

But I could really do with idiots guide website, which lays it all out in simplistic terms, or a factsheet of rather than say "xxx" try saying "yyy".

Does anyone know of such a thing, please?

I feel a bit upset by what she said to me today. Am I over-reacting?

Sorry SN = SENCO.
Counsellor, I don't know much about her. SENCO said, when I told her what had happened that she suggested Counsellor and behavioural Support. SENCO has referred ds1 for both.

Counsellor does a few of the local primaries, and a couple of London schools of boys in care, very serious behavioural problems.
She said.

No, you're not over-reacting. The counsellor sounds rubbish. Which organisation are they from?

I don't know August. I didn't even ask.

Does 'A place to be' ring a bell?

So, a bog standard school counsellor then. Total waste of time. Probably thinks that if you nag them enough they'll voluntarliy change their behaviour - as if
Not many counsellors actually understand ASD and the fact that bog standard counselling doesn't work with people with ASD.

You need specialist ASD counsellors for kids with ASD.

He is not affectionate or appreciative of all I do for him. He talks to me with little respect and dh was shocked when he heard him recently

That sounds to me like autistic behaviour. It's not deliberate - he just doesn't know any better and needs to ne taught how to speak to someone respectfully and how to show appreciation -things that do not come naturally to children with AS.

That's why we suggest social stories - so they can learn the nehaviour that is expected of them in different situations.

I'll bet the school counsellor has never even heard of scoial stories. You need ASD-specific input.

Polter

I could probably do with reading 'What to do when you grumble too much' myself.

Ds was teased mercilessly when he went to emotional literacy before. he wants to be normal and not stand out. the first thing he said when I told him about counselling was, "no one else will find out, will they"?

Yet when I went there, she took me to a room, right opposite his classroom. A boy from his class was sat outside at a table. I didn't want to be seen. She took me to another room. Left the door open and 2 young boys waved at me, the younger brothers of ds's 2 closest friends. I told her, that people would find out and he wouldn't like it.

She told me I was anxious and transfering my anxiety to him.
She knew nothing of the teasing history and how he hated being singled out.
Anxiety is where your fears are irrational or unfounded. My fears are not. They have been proven again and again. So, how is that anxiety?

Based on this. I was really quite angry. And thought that she was a TIT and wanted to tell her so. But refrained.

Reading your responses, has made me think she is just incompetent and just doesn't have a clue , even more.

Thank to Polter. I will certainly look at that.
And Amber, am looking at the Place2Be website.

She told me I was anxious and transfering my anxiety to him.

That old chestnut. We all get told that. I think they learn it on their training course!.

She knew nothing of the teasing history and how he hated being singled out.

So she hadn't even done her homework to find out the background. Alternatively, she knows he's being bullied but follows the normal school script of denying it's happening.

She is a tit - a prize on.

Write - I cannot emphasise enough the need to write - a letter to school, to the Head, describing what abuse your son has experienced and name name. Ask the school in writing how they intend to bring this to a rapid conclusion.

Otherwise you'll be down there talking to this dozy mare every week and going round in circles.

That's my advice.

Thank you Wet.
I will write. I am going to send her an email and tell her how offensive I found her comments.

I know what you mean about Oliver James. But some bits of the “love bombing” idea have been around for a long time under different names. I like Caroline Webster-Stratton’s very no-nonsense “Incredible Years” and Sue Jenner’s (slightly more mumsy!) “Parent-Child Game” which mix in similar ideas with a lot of other useful stuff about discipline.

As for communication, “How Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen so Children So Children Will Talk” (sorry can’t remember who it's by!) has lots of clear examples of how to say things.

None of these books are ASC-specific but over time I found them all very helpful for my DS who has Asperger’s (with a bit of adaptation). The disrespectful ways of speaking tend to be part of the Asperger's communication problem and your DS might not be able to help it, I kind of ignore the way my DS says things as much as possible and just listen to what he's trying to tell me. And sometimes remind him that a "please" would go down well (sigh)

Best of luck!

Actually I am naturally quite an anxious person myself, and DS has a lot of anxiety too due to his AS, so at times we do wind each other up and make each other worse. I’ve found that it helps DS when I make a conscious effort to not worry and think positive. Of course we parents do worry when our kids are diagnosed with complex difficulties kids, or when they do worrying things, and sometimes it's very hard to find any good in a scary situation. The “Incredible Years” book has some good chapters on this too – it’s one of the reasons I like it, other books say “keep calm” but “Incredible Years” has some good ideas on how to keep calm!

PS which is not to downplay the teasing/bullyingyour DS has experienced - you're right to be steaming angry over that!

Thank you very much Kleinzeit for your helpful posts. I do like the 'How to talk books' but I think they are aimed a bit more at toddlers. I am struggling to find a book/spreadsheet on how to talk, to a pre-teen. I will certainly have a look at the 'incredible years' book. Thank you.