Need help keeping my temper in the face of constant rudeness/tantrums

[Lolaismyfavouriteandmybest]

Dd is unbearable. Transition to her new school is not going well and she is obnoxious from getting up pretty much until going to bed. She has lost everything she cares about, friends to play, tv, toys, pocket money, there really is nothing left to threaten her with. And yet the rudeness is progressing to hitting. When she has rare calm moments I reassure her try to listen to her, I know she is unhappy but I cannot battle her over every little thing. She needs to get dressed and if she won't there have to be consequences. I won't accept constant verbal and physical abuse from her!

She's just 7, with ASD and physical disabilities. I also have multiple physical disabilities and dh is a shift worker so is usually elsewhere.

What I hate most is that I'm losing my temper and I'm not being kind to her when I know she is struggling. I snapped today, stripped her room of toys, and put her to bed at 6:45pm as I just couldn't take any more defiance. I went up at 8:30 to see if she was ok and she was still awake. We said sorry to each other and I can tell she's beating herself up with guilt about her behaviour but I also know tomorrow will be no better as we've been there before several times since school went back. I know I have to stay consistent and that ignoring one minute and ott punishments the next are adding to her term oil but I'm in parenting free fall.

Would really appreciate some perspective from those who've survived the transition to yr 3!

So sorry you're both having such a hard time at the moment. I can't offer any practical advice but I just wanted you to reply so that you don't feel ignored (and to bump your post up), hope you get some advice on how to deal with this soon, here's a (brew) for you ;)

Ok so, I can't work the emoticons :/

Hi, I second everything that Poltergoose says! "The Explosive Child" has been a life-changer for me in understanding DS' meltdowns and my reaction to them.

We're in Scotland so I think the school system works slightly differently, he is in primary 3 and is 6 but isn't going through any big transition but the transition from nursery to primary 1 resulted in pretty much the same as what you're describ

Sorry, clumsy thumbs, I'm feeding a wriggly baby.

described, even to the point where I stripped his room. Eventually I just gave up trying to control his behaviour and done what polter* said. This helped a lot, he still had all the anxiety from school but the pressure from home was lifted and this helped him to work through what he was dealing with at school much more easily and his behaviour improved.

Just now his school has a gold/silver/bronze reward system and he gets rewarded at home for what he earned at school, so gets 15 minutes of iPad, 15 minutes of skylanders etc.

He has also started taking an interest in money too, so at home he earns money by behaving, helping out around the house, tidying his room and other little jobs and saves it in his little bank, and then for instance if he's cheeky he has 10p off what he's earned. I've just started this but it seems to be working.

I hope I helped a bit, this transition phase won't last forever too, there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Thanks guys. Sorry I didn't come back. Work if full on too and I'm exhausted. Thanks Polter. Thats's why I posted. To get the perspective of those who have been through it. I don't mind you telling it as it is.

I will get that book and try to get dh on board. He thinks I'm too soft on dd now as it is so its going to be a struggle but I can see the sense in your words.

Thanks

"The explosive child" deals really well with the "too soft" idea, op - get your dh to read it too!

Once it clicked that ds' refusals and meltdowns are not intended to defy/embarrass/punish/upset me but that he genuinely cannot help himself, it has made it SO much easier to cope with them calmly and sympathetically, rather than lose my temper in frustration at my inability to control him, or impose harsher and harsher sanctions in a futile attempt to "show him who's boss". And we have started working on finding solutions together, rather than me assuming that the way I wanted something to happen is the only way. It really does totally revolutionise the way you think about and react to things!

PolterGoose, IIRC it was on your recommendation that I bought the book! No I havn't read "lost at school", but will certainly look it up as DS is struggling very badly at school ATM .

I'm trying to read the book..... But I'm so tired I keep falling asleep every time I pick it up :( I'm on chapter 3. Dd was actually nice today so I might get to chapter 4!

I have ordered this. I really need this book. Thanks for the link, Polter.