Me and DD both ended up in tears!

[flossy2013]

Today my daughter (9 AS) was told off in class and is in a 'behaviour lesson' at school tomorrow, this means she will have to miss playtime and do some work instead. She is the first in her class to be given a behaviour lesson this term, by a teacher who is apparently 'aware' of my DD's problems. The reason she was given this punishment? DD was picking up a ruler from the floor! Apparently the teacher had told her to sit down and stop 'fiddling' with things.
I am shocked that DD has been given a behaviour lesson, her first ever, and for something so trivial (though of course I only have DD's word on this, but I believe her).
So DD comes home in a terrible mood, goes upstairs, I find her 10 minutes later still in her uniform, laid on her bed, crying. :(
I tried to get more information out of her about what actually happened, but that door is now closed and she won't talk about it any more. I told her I think it's unfair as the teacher obviously hasn't taken into account how hard my DD would take this. I ended up crying saying how I wish I could make things easier for her.
I have a meeting at the school next week with SENCo, lead professional and others and will be bringing this up, for now I'll be speaking to the staff member that has been appointed DD's 'mentor' see if she can make the teacher understand a little more about Aspergers and the way it affects my DD.

i know some people on MN don't like this, but {{{{hugs}}}} for you and DD

my DD has ASD, and at the moment is young enough to 'get away' with the fiddling/sensory seeking as it's seen (incorrectly) as immature behaviour - apart from your DD taking this punishment badly, it could be that the teacher is punishing her for something that she probably couldn't even help doing - fiddling and seeing something out of place for a child on the autistic spectrum can be almost distressing

has your DD had a sensory profile done? this can highlight all the things she needs/does to self-soothe and feel assured in her personal space

i'd be in to see the teacher before next week tbh

You're not doing her any favours by undermining the teacher and agreeing with your daughter that its unfair, and by crying with your daughter, you're making what is really a fairly minor punishment into something much bigger in your daughter's head.

Even though she has Asperger's, there are classroom rules that must be followed for the safety and comfort of the rest of the class. What do you suggest the teacher should have done?

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AgentProvocateur - It's hard sometimes to not get emotional when you see your child suffering. It's also hard to be criticized on here (that's how it feels) :( but probably I'm being over-sensitive.
My DD told me that others were told off for 'fiddling' too, but it was only her that got the behaviour lesson, so yes, I think it's unfair.
I don't know what safety or comfort issues would be caused by her picking up a ruler? :/
Sorry, I don't want to start a row here, I will take on board your points about making it a bigger issue for my DD and undermining the teacher. Sometimes things are said in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high.

I'm sorry - I was harsh. If others were fiddling, but only your DD got punished, then it was unfair. I didn't mean to criticise you.

I was going to say a move and sit cushion. My son fidgets terribly on his but.... Also take a deep breath and try to turn this into positive. So you bring up your daughters sen again, point out how much it upset her, what is expected of her, what adjustments can be made to acomodate her needs, how better to deal with things like in future. So your back in control. It's easy to get upset, believe me I know. I allow myself one day of feeling totally lost, then the next day I come back stronger

Definitely harsh, my Dd3 got told off twice yesterday for stupid things and now doesnt want to go to school or like her new teacher anymore.

Come on Teachers, give our Asd kids a break, dont make up new silly rules on a whim and dont put our kids in a postition where they are guaranteed to fail

OP go into school and sort this out, you are your childs advocate. If you dont stand up for her no one else will.

Good luck

Gawd I think that teacher was very harsh. Given that transition is so tough for children on the spectrum I think teachers should tread very gently with children with ASD this early in the new school year (well anytime of course but many children with ASD will be in head-spin mode still this early in the new school year). And with 'fiddliness' such a feature of ASD I think it is punishing her for behaviour associated with her disability.

Thank you for all your help and advice.

I spoke to DD's mentor this morning and she is going to talk to the class teacher to make sure she understands that she may have to tread a little gentler with my DD. She needs to have things explained more clearly, proper warnings before any actions are taken, this appeared to missing yesterday.

Poor kid woke up in the early hours crying after a nightmare, must be because she was so worried about the behaviour lesson today. :(

Hopefully as the teacher and my daughter get to know each other better things will get easier.