Toilet training, DPs patience running out

[Ahhhcantthinkofagoodname]

Hi

Just having a v depressing conversation with DP about DS and his toilet training. DS is 3 and has ASD. We've been toilet training since April and I guess the issue is we've never got "there". There are good days and bad days but he's never consistently managed to avoid accidents. More recently he's seemed less bothered about trying to make it and will do things like refuse to use the toilet and then wet himself next to the toilet or come and sit on my knee and wet himself. Also he seems to be less bothered about being in wet clothes than he was previously so in a sense we've gone backwards even though sometimes he does go to the toilet successfully unprompted.

We've tried chocolate rewards, and a sticker reward chart and both briefly helped but clearly aren't enough of an incentive. We remind him plenty of times, either when he hasn't been for a while or when he is showing signs he needs to go, and of course he gets loads of praise when he does go. He's generally very reluctant to go and stop what he doing - no wee, no poo is his mantra!

My view is that we need to persevere but it's driving DP mad and he is desperate to do something different. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I'm afraid I have no advice but ds was just the same. Insisted on wearing pants from about aged 2.5 and wasn't dry until approx 3. He did the same as your ds. One day it just seemed to click.

Our son is 9 and only been fully dry during the day for about a year or two. He has the odd accident and the LSA in school ensures he uses the toilet regularly.
Sometimes it's a sensory or processing issue as it was for our son. He couldnt feel when he needed to go and there for being wet also didnt bother him. also, the recognition wasnt getting through quick enough!

As he gets older, if it continues, you should be able to request a referral to an incontinence nurse to help you draw up a plan etc.

Good luck
CP

DS now 6 has the occasional accident but I think that from the age of about 4 he managed to stay dry during the day (much earlier during the night). Saying that , nowadays he hardly ever goes for a wee unprompted, he could hold it for a whole day if we left him to his own devices. We have to put 'go to toilet' as part of his visual schedule, so he can't argue about it!
No useful advice really, just wanted to let you know that we went through something very similar.

I have no advice but wanted to let you know you're probably further on than we are!

DS is 3.5 and has only in the last month managed a wee on the toilet and then only before his bath. We occasionally manage to get him on the toilet at other time of day but it's usually met with lots of shouting and a flat out refusal.

We too have tried stickers and chocolate buttons but he's just not interested. We have no diagnosis yet but are pretty sure it's ASD with PDA, hence any request by us for him to use the toilet results in demand avoidance behaviour.

We're just going to keep going slowly until 1 day it clicks and he decides he wants to do it: like everything else in his life, unless DS decides he wants to do it and he's in control, it won't happen.

No advice, sorry, but lots of sympathy! We are trying to toilet train our 3 year old DS at the moment. It's only been weeks rather than months but still frustrating as he really isn't bothered about star charts, rewards or 'being a big boy' so motivating him is hard. He doesn't seem to care if his clothes get wet and he's unmoved by any disapproval from his dad and I if he does have an accident. It's really tough.

One thing that's saving our sanity just now is setting regular alarms, every 30 mins at first and now every 45 mins, and putting him on the potty when the alarm goes off. He's happy to co-operate with this and usually manages a wee when he's on there. Of course, this is not the same as him deciding on his own that he needs a wee and going to the potty of his own accord. He's just responding to a prompt and if we stopped setting the alarms, he'd probably go back to weeing all over the place. It still beats scrubbing piss off the carpets and sofas though.

Good luck and I hope you manage a breakthrough soon :)

No advice - you are definitely further on than us - ds is 15 :-(

Thanks a lot for the replies, good to hear this isn't too unusual and we're not missing something obvious.

Pouter yes, we've got various seats but he's actually happy and prefers using adult seats! Salty snacks made me smile, DS is a crisp addict so wold be easy to try!

Lacey - alarms is a good idea. I guess we're doing something similar as we've gone back to making him go to the toilet every couple of hours and not letting him decide when he's ready. Much fewer accidents (though having long stand offs "we can't go out till you try to do a wee") but don't know if it's really teaching him to recognise when he's ready.

Just need to stay patient I guess...

No advice really, except to offer cold comfort that ds2 was completely trained by 3, and then regressed when he was about 8. I now look back on my agitation over the occasional accident at 3 and think, poor little mite, he was only little... Now I am much more phlegmatic about accidents. And he never has them at school, so I think it is a pyschological imperative as much as anything. At home he relaxes and tends to stop bothering. He gets very absorbed in what he is doing and forgets the physical sensations mean anything. So we do have to remind him, calmly to keep taking breaks.

Anyway, ds2 is 11 now and we really don't have any problems, except very very occasionally. We are still terribly anxious about possible problems though, it leaves its mark. We still remind him now and then if we see him hanging on, but we give him lots of drinks and try and stay calm.