Need advice for coping on holiday

[Tieni]

We have just finished the first week of a 2 week break and have had a hard time coping with DS (3.5) behaviour (currently under assessment for ASD and PDA, etc).

He had major meltdowns each morning for the first 4 mornings and now it's more minor melt downs but he keeps saying he wants to go home ( has done that since we got here). Whenever we get ready to go out or do anything he gets upset and I'm really struggling to cope with this.

We as a family really need this holiday, it's been 2 years since we had a break and DH and I have had very busy times at work recently but the meltdowns are making me think what's the point.

Although I've had my suspicions that something isn't quite right with DS for a long time it was only a few months ago that I read about PDA and had a lightbulb moment, so DH and I are still at the early stages of working out the best strategies to use.

Please please advise on coping strategies for holidays (uk, holiday cottage) so we have a good 2nd week - I would rather go home than repeat the first!

Its difficult to say as each child is different. We were fortunate in that we were able to afford Disney for a while and this was an excellent solution as it accommodated his needs and ours in so many ways from air con (heat sensory issues), activities, areas to rest, various places for food although the option for self catering was a pain.

I've given up work as we can't afford those types of holidays so spent the week in a static van and a week in France. While the van is somewhere he is used to, he still takes a day or two to settle down and then doesn't want to go out. We go out and then he's fine but getting him our is a tiresome.

France was just as bad - he enjoyed the pool but food was a nightmare and again unless we had activities to keep him occupied he'd want to play things like a DS or watch TV which I'm reluctant to allow as its a bad habit to break.

By the time we were in our second week, I was almost at breaking point. I wanted to go home and both my husband and I started to realise (not the right word, but it was hammered home!) just how different our children are to typical families that go away and have a relaxing, fun time.

We don't have that luxury and have to take the rolls with the punches (or is it punches with the rolls!?!

Reading that I've offered no help what so ever and just made it seem like there is no hope but with time you learn what does and doesn't affect your child and you develop coping mechanisms as do they (as they get older). Don't give up hope.

Sometimes choosing the same location each year helps as its part of their routine and something they know. You might want to think about taking some of their favourite things to make it more like home. Think of activities they enjoy. Make a booklet of where you're going, what's there and what to expect a while before you go so that it isn't so much of a shock. While this might be awkward for younger children, seeing pictures and you discussing things will still be helpful.

Best wishes
CP

That has helped CP because I am at breaking point at the moment (in fact I actually broke this morning) so it helps to know I'm not the only one.

I'm having a hard time accepting that this is how DS is and how things will always be, it doesn't help that we have a 1.5 year old DD who is NT and who I worry I'm letting down as all my energies are directed to keeping DS happy. I'm also worrying that if it's this hard now, how will it be in a few years time?

I think you are right and it is a question of learning what works for DS and then what works for the family as a whole, we just seem to keep making so many mistakes!

Thanks for your reply, it is very much appreciated as I'm feeling really low.

Moving away from holidays as you mention the affect on your daughter. We found that its difficult to work out what is special needs and what is just them and bad behaviour. We make sure we are consistent in our approach and stick to the rules. Sometimes we find illness makes behaviours worse and you don't realise until after the fact and feel guilty but don't.

See if you have any special needs clubs near by that you can join, that also accommodate siblings. This allows time for you to break while both children have some fun. Also, as much as its tiresome, especially when working, you have to find some balance between you where you/your husband take your son for an afternoon or day (whichever is easier to cope with) and give you daughter some 'you' time. It is harder on siblings but again, you learn to work with it, but you are at the early stages and what feels stressful subsides a little as you learn to adjust.

You tend to form a thicker skin, move into cruise control but occasionally still have those days when you want to bury yourself in your duvet and tell the world to ' off

People on here a very supportive, so stick around. I think its a slowish day but I haven't been around for about a year so it might have changed.

Good luck.

Hiya I'm hoping I can help you a bit here, having had an okay experience this year. We did a cottage holiday. We had a tesco shop delivered on arrival so we had all exactly the same food we have at home. Our Ds is 6 so a bit older so we made sure we would have Internet access do he was able to use the iPad etc, also helped keep our older child occupied. We had a pretty predictable routine ie morning chilling out at the cottage, afternoons at the seaside. We also had one day where DH took my older DS out to do all the exciting stuff that my younger Ds can't handle. I stayed at the cottage and did some baking to keep him occupied. So, it was pretty predictable but at least we got to the sea every day and it was a relaxing change of scenery for us. We just accept that some stuff will be a nightmare so we just don't!! Also the difference in sons behaviour age. 6 compared to 3/4 is major (for the better) partly due to maturity/development and partly us knowing how to handle him a bit better - so hang in there cos things can improve :-)

Thank you both, I think acceptance that things will just be different is key, which hadn't really occurred to me before.

CP thank you for your non holiday advice, we will check out some support groups: I think we need it. We are also trying to work out what is just bad behaviour and what is ASD/PDA I think it will be trial and error.

Moving That all sounds like a good plan, I like the baking idea: DS loves it. I'm also pleased to hear things improve with age and parental experience!

We finally got a good night's sleep last night (thanks DD) and that has helped: we are already having a better day today

we did give up on family holidays for a few years because it became clear that it wasnt enjoyable for ds and consequenly was awful for everyone else. Having said that he has improed massively and we had a uk cottage seaside holiday this year which was v successful. we stuck to a routine and he seemed to love it. I do think that the early years were the worst for ds so dont feel bad for just saying this isnt working. we struggled for ages before realising that we were getting v upset and wasting lots of money on unhappy holidays. Instead we looked for playscheme for children with sn and also found a SN holiday for him so we could also have a few nights away.

We always do lots of "prep" with holidays for our DS (ASD). So, looking at the website to see where we're going, talking about it in advance and taking an obscene amount of activities to do that see familiar.

But actually he's amazingly adaptable. He just finds that by 3.30 he is not coping and has to have some down time and do something relaxing eg read/watch DVDs, go somewhere in the car etc.

All behaviour is communication. All behaviour is communication. All behaviour is communication. All behaviour is communication.

We've found it's easiest to just go camping as ds is familiar with the tent and sees it as another version of home. He used to be quite hard to settle at night but now he knows the routines for teethbrushing etc (enjoys the trip to the loos with his torch) and giggles when it's time to snuggle down in his sleeping bag. It's a godsend that so many places now do electrical hook up and wi-fi (although I've struggled with it as to me camping is getting away from gadgets etc, but needs must and all that). At least with the tent as our base we can still see different parts of the country instead of being limited to the same place every year. We take his wheelchair for trips out (used to take buggy obv) as it makes him feel safer in strange places and we can relax more when we don't have to worry about losing him!
It's not perfect by any means, ds still has his moments and seeing all the other kids running about happily does tend to bring home the restrictions we have in comparison, but we do find ways to enjoy ourselves chocolate and booze mainly and it does actually feel like a holiday. I agree with others, it does get easier, honestly. 3.5 was a really difficult age for ds. I asked the same question as you about 'how will I cope when he's older if he's like this now?' and the SALT said "he won't always be like this". I didn't actually believe her at the time but she was right .

We also mostly camp - though he hates the bit when we take down the tent and has to hide in the car playing "pretend drive"

Thank you for the replies, they're really helping. We had a great day yesterday, but today was really awful (meltdowns literally one after the other) until about 3pm when some fountains captured his imagination and the day took a turn for the better.

Following the advice re planning, DH has purchased a notebook to write down what we're learning and what works and doesn't for DS, so we remember for next year although I've said quite a few times today there won't be a next time.

Camping is a possibility: we already have a big tent that DH and I used to use before the DC came along and I get what you mean about familiarity (DS has no problems when we go away for weekends: family rooms at Premier Inn are reassuringly the same wherever ), I'm just not sure we're ready for that yet (may have to try 1 night first!).

I really appreciate everyone's replies: I know I should feel really lucky to be on holiday, and we are, but when DS is upset so often I feel guilty for bringing him here, frustrated that no matter how hard we try and make it easy for him the meltdowns keep coming and sad that this isn't how I expected family holidays to be. (I know I have a lot of learning and acceptance to get through as we're right at the start of everything).

By some miracle everyone seems to have been worn out by today and they're all asleep (including DH) so I'm going to put my feet up, drink my first in ages and watch TV because it will probably be another 3.5 years before this happens again!

Probably not much help now but we have been back to t he same holiday a couple of years running now and I think the fact it is the same holiday helps DS adjust much quicker each time we go there. Also we now have a good list of do's and don'ts and places we know DS loves (arcade is an excellent source of bribery!) and we know where is good to eat etc.

Probably sounds rubbish going to the same place each year but fortunately it's a lovely part of the world and the fact DS is mostly chilled out about being there now makes it a nice break for everyone.