How do you get over the 'embarrassment' of a Tourettes/autistic/ADHD child in public?

[12thDoctorsCompanion]

Dont know if I worded title right but this morning in the supermarket I had to use the self checkout (a nightmare in itself) as cashiers werent at the tills yet (8.30 this morn, we go early as busy shops freak DC out).

machine needs store log in for something so I hailed an assistant and as she came over said 'excuse me' to DC as DC was holding trolley and was in her way.

DC let rip, 'shuttup you fucker, you stupid woman' etc etc. woman looked shocked, and mumbled to me 'i just asked politely'.

i was bright red (not 1st time something like this has happened) and i had to explain DC has medical conditions and is not deliberately being rude.

but people looking at us all judgy pants, im struggling to explain DC feels threatened when approached by strangers (and dont have anyone to leave DC with, im an only parent, and DC home educated so cant shop while school on) and didnt want to move trolley.

years of trying to instill public relations in DC have not worked. dont feel i have to make them wear an 'im autistic/tourettes, please excuse me' teeshirt, even so, some people STILL dont know what some conditions are.

anyway, felt so embarrassed though and dont think I can ever go back to that particular shop again (done shop changes a few times too) and Im proud to be DCs mum but it is embarrassing especially as I know its not a bad upbringing, i dont swear audibly (only typing on mn!!) etc, Im a christian bringing up a child in a chritian household with christian values.

I dont know how to get around this problem.

anyone else in similar circumstances?

(sorry this is long!)

Maybe I should have written 'embarrassed when DC has meltdowns. , not BY, im not emsarrassed to be with DC at all, but anyone who knows what its like when a child has meltdowns and you just want the ground to swallow you up IYKWIM.

I also hate it when were in park, only a few kids and Tarquins yummy mummy staring at DC and listening to some words (and tbh i hate DC being around foulmouthed kids but mine at least has an 'excuse') and me saying 'excuse they are autistic etc' and they say 'oh i thought as much' in a patronising judgy way'. OR when they ask whats wrong with them?

Gaaaaaah!

Lol at Tarquin's mummy. My little man is 6 with ASD. On a good day if I am in a positive frame if mind I apologise and say he has ASD. If I am in a pissy mood and feeling like life is not fair I don't explain and this doesn't always help. If the other person is desperately fishing to find out what is 'wrong' with leading questions etc then I don't tell them anything at all!

Call me a coward but once DS outgrew the buggy I avoided shopping with him. Supermarkets were too much of a flashpoint ? sensory overload etc. I go for internet shopping and a weekly supermarket delivery and I?ll overbuy rather than run out. So no real answers from me I'm afraid.

DS is also a child with as/adhd/tourettes/SPD

And.........nope I dont ever think I shall stop being embarrassed tbh :)

Less angry as I used to be furious with ds and his behaviour which tbh increased the embarrassment within me rather than prove a point to a rigid DS!

I tried explaining once and these people put round that DS had "fuck it syndrome" I have never bothered since.

Had an incident the other week where a smaller child had a water pistol and was squirting the cars etc and so was DS. However bigger ones came out water fight errupted and low and behold this mothers precious screeched because he got wet.

Yep it was all DS fault. Woman wanted a "word" with me (usually the time I privately sigh....turn round...smile and say ok) DS by then was worked up swearing away at her making it worse but she would not stop picking at him and shouting winding DS up all the more so that the entire street were laughing at him and us.

Tried to explain that she is making matters worse and wouldnt she like to "chat" next day in a civil manner then I could listen as DS has tourettes and so him thinking she is having a go at me or talking about him is winding him up.

PAHHH I got there is nothing wrong with him thats not tourettes thats just a badly behaved brat that needs a good lesson. Cue me just walking away still not raising my voice as she ranted on and DS screamed all the louder.

I also hate it when were in park, only a few kids and Tarquins yummy mummy staring at DC and listening to some words (and tbh i hate DC being around foulmouthed kids but mine at least has an 'excuse') and me saying 'excuse they are autistic etc' and they say 'oh i thought as much' in a patronising judgy way.

Ooh that sounds really bitchy, saying they'd "thought as much" Even if his symptoms are quite overt, it seems really off somehow to say it to you.

I don't have any practical advice, sorry, but hope you're feeling better now and that tomorrow is a much easier day.

Bizarrely I have never been embarrassed by my son with Autism, despite his noises and tantrums. My 2 yo shamed me at the Co op in the queue by shrieking 'that is my Mummy's favourite. She loves to drink that!' At the Strongbow... Perhaps cider is the answer and having a skin like a bastard rhino!!!

rhino hide, and the fact he is only five and looks about 3. i am able to restrain him with one arm if not too meltdowny, or two if more so.... (hitting/kicking/scratching/biting/spitting/headbutting) and walk round the supermarket shopping as if there is not a hissing, screaming boy flailing about under one arm. dd has been trained to trail round and pick up the wellies that are kicked off.

When ds was about 2/3, he had very little language that could be understood, however he had learnt the phrase "fucking hell daddy" and could say it as clear as anything. I have no idea where he heard it, but he would repeat it over and over and over and over.

Wherever we went ds would be literally singing "fucking hell daddy" over and over.

Telling him no or to stop, just made it worse, I ignored it mostly and got up and left wherever I was on occasion too.

I don't mind so much among strangers even if things get a bit hairy (as they often do). I DO mind when I have been building up a friendship/ business relationship with someone for a while and they encounter DS for the first time expecting an inoffensive, clone of me.

This happened during the holidays and the look of disgust on the person's face was horrific. she had just been talking to me about exclusive, super-selective preps for her newborn baby and what I would recommend. I had just replied by saying that she should save her money and support the local state school. DS started doing the usual things. I should not have had to do it but I tried to quickly volunteer some redeeming features to which she responded 'Is he at special school then?' which transalted as 'You cant expect to send my PFB to the same school as that freak'.

During the hols I frequented the same local shop and the cashier kept commenting to me about what a Good Boy my elder child is. Yes sweetheart he would be the one that doesn't have ASD. I went in the other day without them and she asked me what school they go to. I said A goes to X and B starts special school today. Still not sure the penny dropped though!

kleins I was thinking of internet shoping but DC needs to go out and learn to interact.
coff33. ignorant bugger neighbours. that's what I hate too.you try and explain to people but theythink your just making excuses and theyre not prepared to listen.

redand. I get same thing. we suddenly turn into criminal scum don't we?

It might be easier to separate learning how to interact from doing the proper shopping? Then you could prepare him in advance with social stories etc and start very easy, only get one or two items that you can leave behind if things are going very wrong. And one of my friends "primed" a local shop by talking to the owner so her son could go and buy sweeties there. If you're homeschooling then little bits of shopping could be like a lesson. But I think getting the real shopping delivered is a life-saver

Thing is going to the shops get ME out too, we do go into a coffee shop (before or after) and sit with a coffee (me) and a hot chocolate (DC) and have a good chat about socialising as best as poss.

DCS more often than not okay in shops if shop not too bus, the tannoy (way too loud imo) sets them off so they wear headphones, its when were approached by shop assistants. okay talking to me, its when they talk to DC, that the meltdown starts!

with so much more exposure to disabilities in the media (not forgetting the brilliant special olymics) you'd think people would be more aware. But theyre just as ignorant most of the time, unless its a person with a friend/relative/child with SN. Do you think that too or is it just where I live???

Nah, it?s the same everywhere But what I find weird is how random it can be ? just different individuals. Different classes in the same school, different people running a club, a friendly stranger or a judgy cow, some people just seem to ?get it? but other people never do.

yep, you're right about that, and sometimes its the people you expect to 'get it' that dont. yet someone else may surprise you.

Argh - DS at the GPs today, buzzing around the room, never sat down even once (this has never happened before, he is usually great). I asked (new, unfamiliar to DS) Trainee Doctor about his growing fear of bathing and she starts talking about sedatives so I have to kindly reply that he is a long way off that actually, just a bit averse to getting into the bath (although I always win him round in the end). As we leave, she notes that he has deposited a small mound of spit in the middle of the freshly prepared examination couch (probably in response to what she said!). Has never happened before, may never happen again. Always so random and difficult to predict!

My 4 year old heard the neighbour swearing at a football game and, seeing the shock on my face, now delights in going round calling everyone 'F*ing Idiot'.... I'm not sure you ever stop being embarassed but I hope to develop a Rhino hide one day and not let it get to me.

Ah polter the neighbours here are seriously mind blowing tbh. Stupid silly gossiping women who I think I irritate more than DS himself because I dont do gossip or yelling at my kids on street corners or yelling at other peoples kids.

I can yell inside though