Ds prefers his father - how do we manage this?

[cansu]

Ok I have two dc with ASD, my eldest has a very strong bond with his dad. Dad has consequently always taken him out more and I have done same with dd who is also ASD. The problems arise when dp doesn't want or can't take him out and I replace him. Today dp was feeling unwell so I was to take ds out swimming. Cue massive meltdown from ds, shouting and hitting me. Dp then eventually got up and took him swimming with plenty of comments to me about not taking him. I am v upset first because ds doesn't want me and also because I feel this situation is partly my fault and also partly due to circumstances. We do very little together as a family because ds and dd like different things and also because ds can be aggressive with dd if she doesn't do what ds expects or wants. Ds is very severely affected by his ASD so it isn't possible to reason with him. He has no verbal language and really only understands a few functional words related to context. I am angry with myself for establishing this situation by letting dp manage these things with ds but am also at a loss for how to change it. When ds is upset and anxious he can be v aggressive and I find t impossible to calm him. What would you do?

You can change it. Just have to do it slowly. Don't be upset and don't blame yourself.

It possibly isn't entirely because he prefers his Dad either, but that it is hard for him cope with a change of who takes him swimming.

Is there anything YOU do that you always do, that he would be upset if his dad did instead?

I would go swimming too next time, and then have his dad go to the loo for a period of time. Then have him withdraw a bit a changing time. etc. Slowly changing the routine!?

You're right. I need to chip away at it a bit slowly. I will try and think of something I can do with him on my own as well.