That horrible child at the soft play.

[pinkandsparklytoo]

You know. The one that pushes, shouts abuse, swears and injures other children? That child is mine and I don't know what to do with him any more.
Yes I tried talking to him. But he doesn't take it on board. And we left as soon as I found out about him scratching a girls arm. But consequences for his behaviour don't seem to bother him after the initial event. He is 6 with no dx as of yet but they are working on it.

Hope you get some help for your boy.

Have you noticed whether there are any trigger moments? There might be something about the soft play place that he finds particularly difficult. It could be the noise, or having to wait to use equipment or children pushing past.

Which bits does he enjoy?

There might be a way to help him with the difficult bits, I used to actually follow mine around a lot of the equipment and model turn taking or saying excuse me for example. It may be that a less busy place may be the way to go so he can play the equipment way he enjoys but it is less challenging for him.

If consequences don't work I wouldn't go overboard on them. Inappropriate behaviour has had the natural consequence of you having to leave anyway. I would just try and spot the warning signals and remove him from situations before they happen if you can. It sounds like this play situation is just a bit too hard for him to handle at the moment.

My ds does not cope very well in soft play places when they are busy. He has HFA and Sensory Issues. My ds does not lash out, he goes the opposite way and zones out. He can not communicate anything when he is like that and lets people bully him. I try to avoid them when busy but if we do go I follow him around the soft play area or keep a very close eye on him and remove him from any difficult situations with other kids.

Do you think it could be sensory related? I think life is easier for my ds since I have started to understand about his sensory issues.

I hope you get a dx for your ds it will hopefully help x

When my ds was young I'd take him to a soft play and lose him fairly quickly. He was usually asleep somewhere in a corner. It was so over stimulating for him that he simply shut-down. I had to wiggle my enormous hips through the tunnels and slides looking for him.

What kind of diagnosis do you think he displays symptoms of? It is very hard when you don't have an explanation for behaviours that you don't understand nor any strategies.

MNSN is excellent for that though so hopefully we can help!?

Sorry you?re having a hard time with your DS. Depending on what specific problems your DS has, softplay might not be the best setting for him. My DS (diagnosed with Aspergers aged 6) used to enjoy soft play but he could get very aggressive with other children because he wasn?t good at unstructured play, he lacked empathy and self control, if another kid wouldn?t do what he wanted or just got in his way then he would hit out. We had to supervise him very closely and he was better playing structured games with rules. Also we took him out with other kids who knew him and got on with him, we couldn?t expect him to play around random kids in a softplay or a park because he couldn?t ?read? kids he didn?t know.

Consequences weren?t a lot of use for my DS, we did ?time out? for aggression but a lot of what helped was just figuring out which situations he could and couldn?t cope with and avoiding things he couldn?t handle. I hope you can get some pointers about which problems are triggering your DS?s behaviour.

echo how difficult soft play can be. ds (asd now 6) does now manage soft play. how I did it

1. I followed ds around literally 1 foot behind. removed him physically from the play frame before an incident escalated or immediately after he first lashed out. by watching worked out ds' issues mainly arose from not being able to communicate how to pass a child how to ask a child move, or how to ask to take a turn so I would model these interactions for him again to do this you have to be close enough to step in befoee the distress set in.
2. become aware of design of the play frame. tight corridors (difficult to pass and other children to pass him) were a disaster. play frames that don't allow for easy parental supervision (some you can see every corner of the play frame from the ground floor some you can't see a thing) also led to issues as other kids tend to go feral; mum cant see ( and rarely believea their child would do anything anyway. also ease of getting ds out quickly. some play frames just don't work.
3. im involved in a local special needs charity that does sole hire sessions on soft play. they are quieter with less kids and understanding mums. we practiced at these A LOT.

It is a skill that needs to be taught. question is whether is worth to you the hard work to make it work. personally I found outdoor play areas much easier for a long time

ps I would say that if you have to find out your child has injured someone else you're too far away. never really talked to ds about what he did, be the time it was done it was past and irrelevant. watched what ds' wonderful nursery did, they removed said+signed "no" "hitting/biting'

Kleinzeit- your DS sounds jut like mine. He gets aggressive when things don't go his way. He said that the older girls had called him and his friend stupid poos or something like that and they decided to chase them around. The mum asked if I was with the vile child that was pushing and shouting. Then she showed me the girls arm and there were 4 scratch marks on it. I had managed to catch him by then resulting in a mega meltdown and us leaving. I told him I am not taking him to soft play again. He wasn't bothered even though he really enjoys it. Most times we have to leave though as he gets too aggressive. Playing outdoors in a park doesn't make much difference as he gets aggressive with other children there. It probably doesn't help that he had a bad night last night.
I think his issues are mostly sensory related. People we have been in contact with through school are leaning towards asd.

So the girls were calling him names and chasing him, and when your son reacted, it was HIS fault?!?! I think I'd tell the mum of the older (note OLDER - should know better!!) girls to get them under control as well - glass houses and stones comes to mind.

We try to time DS1's soft play to nonbusy times - like right away when it opens, if possible. He does get overloaded and sometimes the ear defenders help, but not a huge amount as visually it's still a lot to take in. Are there any other soft play places in your area that might be less busy? We tend to go to the ten pin one locally as it's less busy. For some reason, DS1 is so focused on the soft play that he doesn't notice the bowling noise once we get to the soft play part - once he's out of the soft play, the bowling noise bothers him again. It's a bit odd, but at least he can play easier there.

Never did soft play. Outdoor parks are cheaper and it's SO much easier for you to monitor what's happening, choose a time of day when it isn't jam-packed.

If it has to be indoors then children's centres and local leisure centres often have quieter times and better trained staff to help you, help your kid. (My local soft plays tend to be mostly staffed by youngsters who have no special SN supervisory training).

Likewise our visits to the big London Museums happen on INSET days and during the winter, never at Peak holiday times.

Prioritise your battles. Once your kid gets past a certain age soft play is a sensory environment they'll never have to cope with again. The school dinner hall threatens to haunt them till they are 18. Outdoor parks are an environment worth teaching him to cope with.

"Walk away" was a mantra I instilled from age 2 onwards thank goodness as DS will now not ever start a fight, despite some pretty awful provocation at times from the local oiks, but physically nowadays he's more than capable of finishing on off iykwim!

Also learn not to feel guilty if your child reacts adversely to bullies. It stops you being able to objectively teach your kid the skills to cope. Notably to stay calm, not panic and get away fast when young, followed by signalling for adult help as soon as they are developmentally able to. He needs to know he has your support 100% in trying to cope before he can begin to acquire any useful skills.

9 times out of 10 of the incidents where ds hit or bit it was the other child being a shit. tbh you supervise as much to protect your child from the others and vice versa. no point blaming your child for something they don't understand.

but if you're already on the scene you can point out to the other children they are being unkind before worse happens and the other parent is already on the back foot if you saw it and dealing with it and they aren't and haven't.

soft play with asd is not about sitting down with a coffee while the kids play. it's about being there and teaching them how to do it.

but I was doing this solidly between the ages of two and 5 and a half. now he's ok ans I can sit down with a coffee

I would echo the kind of social help and learning is far easier in an outdoor setting.
as long as you can run fast I found it was possible to sit down with a coffee (although not for long).

It also helped we signed (makaton) it signposted to other parents ds had special needs and therefore they should be teaching their children tolerance and understanding.

Know the feeling. My 4yo made a (possibly highly strung) 2yo cry by trying to climb past her while out this week. Children were asking him questions and he just looked blankly at them. Makes me feel like not taking him out, but would lose the will to live if had to stay in all day. Hope it gets better.

Thanks for your advice. Invariably we always seem to leave when he gets aggressive. It's just as likely to happen at an outdoor play place as well. A lot of the time it is from defending his younger brother who he is very protective over. I am starting to feel that I can't take him anywhere, which is not fair for him or DS2. I don't want to sit inside while he plays a train simulator or watches videos all day, much as he would enjoy it.

I found it took quite a lot of effort to find activities my DS could safely join. Over the years my DS benefitted a lot from a local ASC-specialist playscheme, and from a social skills group run by language and occupational therapists. DS also went along to a mainstream ballgames class each week, which was very well structured and he was mostly able to cope, though I did have to stay to keep an eye on him and step in sometimes.

keep persevering. playing in the same space is a skill to be taught and you can teach it.

My son at 10 is too old really for soft play places now, but I gave up on them quite early on.

Way too much noise, way too many other people.

It was bad enough taking my NT kids to them!

I think you just have to decide to what extent you are able to supervise extensively and plan accordingly. You may have to go when you know it will be very quiet to a park or less popular indoor play and stay for a limited amount of time. You may prefer to go with someone else who can help supervise. I think with differing needs you just have to accept indoor play places are not the place where you can relax, the videos etc (as you have described) are.

This might sound like a silly idea but if u think he's going in and getting sensory overload u could try getting him to do something energetic before u go, if my son needs to be calmer I make him trampoline before we go somewhere it bounces the extra energy/anxiety out it was recommended to me quite recently and I do find it works most of the time. And my son likes to zone out on trains so if I go somewhere busy when I see he's starting to struggle I can give him a train and he will chill out again after playing with it for a bit.