Me again

[Nerfmother]

Okay.i have listened to advice on here and am trying to be firm with ds (asd 10). Previous issues: rude, aggressive, unkind to little ds.
I feel crappy though. Yesterday I got in to find ds refusing to get off the Xbox stepped in after dh pathetic attempts and lots of 'ds I asked you lots of time' etc etc.
I switch it off, ds goes loopy, I get called a fucking fucking woman, things chucked etc.
I insist ds eats alone in the kitchen and joins us for pudding. Lots of protest but does so.
Sniping and name calling carries on.
This morning sniping carries on and I say he's not coming to see x who we rarely see but did meet with two days ago. He doesn't believe me and carries on with the 'old hag' stuff.
Just left him calling mum please as I leave worth the littlest.ones.
I have told dh not to punish him anymore and to let him watch tv etc and have fun.

Sorry is really long. I can't just let him grow up into a potty mouthed teen, aspergers or not? Am I really mean to do this? Little ds will at least get to play with Xs children who are otherwise monopolised by ds.
I'm so exhausted. Camhs has seen him once (urgent referral that took five months) and six weeks later, nothing.

Lots of punishment listed there, but not much in the way of reward?

Maybe he doesn't want to meet up with 'x' and this is way of telling you?

Maybe he's poorly, has a pain somewhere,doesn't know/understand how and why little DS operates, maybe he likes eating on his own, maybe he's got holiday fatigue. . .

Can't see much to reward at the moment, and he does get a lot of good stuff. I need him to stop the aggression and the verbal abuse.
Any ideas? (Not sarcastic btw)

I'm just going to log onto PC, Nerf

Hate using my phone brb

our life has dramatically changed for the best since we stopped telling DD not to do stuff, but got her to do other stuff instead

ie we need the table to eat dinner, so she has to move her colouring pens/books etc

she doesn't enjoy sitting around the table with others to eat, she hates the smell of food, she hates to look at it, she doesn't want to sit and chat, she eats because she has to, doesn't see food as pleasurable at all.

at home i make her food separately to mine and DHs, and if we eat out or we have guests and she manages to sit with us and eat at least some food, her 'reward' is being allowed to put her tablet/cd player/my phone on and play games/listen to music while we finish.

DD really struggles with supermarkets, she will use every distraction technique going so we don't take her (is 'ill', hides, has to watch cartoon etc) so i don't take her to do big shops, use online mainly. BUT if we have to go, and she manages to walk round without poking/kicking stuff on shelves, or moaning she gets a packet of moshi stickers as a reward.

she also hates baths, how our neighbours haven't called the police at the noise is beyond me but i've discovered magic beans that dissolve in warm water and funny/animal sponge shape is inside - you can't have these unless you sit in the bath water for at least 5mins...

i'm not saying these exact things will work for you, but wanted to share how i've had to change my thinking what constitutes a reward to DD. me 'happiness as a parent' doesn't register with her, it has no concept. ASD is a very 'commodity-driven' condition IMO.

Ripping thank you I am out but will read properly late

bloody hell, what a fricking awful post i made there

i was totally distracted by DD

Nerf if you're about later, i'll try again and make sense this time

Thanks guys. Polter I will try the books ripping thank you, perfect sense!

What Ripping said. You have to change behaviour VERY slowly really and there will be a major reaction to your doing this which you have to ignore.

But equally, you have to reward and give something for either behaving as you would like, or by you interpreting something he does as 'good behaviour' and rewarding that by stating clearly what it was that you liked.

So for example in between screams you can say 'Brilliant. Now that you have calmed down you can come out of there and have x'. It just 'might' stop him in his tracks from doing the next scream iyswim. If he DOES scream, look disappointed and say 'oops, my mistake' and then continue to ignore.

But you absolutely must remember to reward. Even if the reward is for 'good accepting'. And even if that good accepting isn't actually very good at all, but just better than it was yesterday.

You are not CHANGING behaviour, you are shaping it, and slowly. Think of modelling clay. You can't just be very aggressive with it and turn it into a masterpiece.

Thank you both Had a proper read through and thanks to star for the thoughts. It is really helpful to think through with people who know.
I am sick of the random advice about asd - lots of rules, 'they' like rules; no rules, pick your battles; heavy sanctions; no sanctions just modelling etc etc. all from people who have read something somewhere.
Also - where is the help from people who know? Paed - no, dx and goodbye; camhs - five month wait, one visit, nothing yet (five weeks later) ; nothing local from NAS; nothing from the LA.
it's such a massive responsibility to get this right for society, future girlfriends, employers , etc etc.

This section and other peer support has been our lifeline - almost everything I to know about how to support DD's issues is due to me reading, reading, reading and then trying it out.

CAMHS have been very good with the rapid assessment and DX.

they also have supported us by coming to CAF meetings, but they are medics, the diagnostic specialists, since they are a medical discipline they are not involved until DD develops a MH issue. Which ASD by itself, is not.

Yarns - it's exacerbated by OCD type things which don't help, hence camhs involvement. Still no follow up almost six weeks later.
I'm so frustrated by this having to wing it way of managing it.