Need to talk about DD

[neverputasockinatoaster]

I have posted before about DS who is 8 and has Aspergers and I've received loads of advice and support.

I'm worried about DD. She's 5, nearly 6, and I'm starting to wonder if she isn't NT at all..... I may be being over sensitive and looking for causes and she may just be a bloody difficult child and me a crap parent!

She has massive sensory issues - clothing especially. All labels must be cut out and if I find an item she will wear I end up replicating it in as many colours as I can! Leggings are 'too tight' and trousers must be 'soft'. Uniform was a nightmare until summer arrived - she's going back to school in her summer dresses in September! And socks and shoes - I weep most mornings over the socks and shoes. I must buy some seamless socks.

The food she will eat has become more and more rigid. Pasta bolognaise but only if I've made it, carrots and sweetcorn, chicken. No potatoes or potato products at all but loads of bread. If I serve food she doesn't like she will just go hungry. I've tried the you'll eat it if your hungry enough but she won't.

Her behaviour is getting worrying. One of the things we noticed with DS was that he regards himself as being in charge or equal to adults and he answers back all the time. DD does this too. Whining is her thing. I have never given in to the whining but she has not yet learned it doesn't work! If told off she just yells back and screeches. Oh god the screeching!

When I asked her teacher if she thought I was worrying needlessly she gave me the 'look' and said it wasn't for her to say. She taught DS too.

DD is very sensitive, won't let go of an idea if she gets it into her head, can be told off for something but then do it all over again.

I deal with it all by ignoring. I tell her I don't understand if she whines, I don't get sucked into side arguments - we tidy the living room each night for example so she can wail as much as she likes but I won't listen.

Over the holidays I realised that people don't like my DD - my mum included - and that breaks nmy heart.

What a long ramble!

It is a recent thing? Could she be mimicking your ds?

Mmm,I dont know.It sounds like there may be a few concerns doesnt it?All I can tell you is my own experience which is that we have 2 dcs.DD is 16 and ds is 13.Ds was diagnosed 3 yrs ago with Aspergers and all was going ok in that we got our heads round it,learned about it,put all our energies into supporting him and getting him support at school etc etc.
Then,as late as last year,dd started being bullied at school and also appeared to go from being a shy child to a severely inept teenager -really,really struggling to relate to peers etc- and it suddenly dawned on me that perhaps she too was on the spectrum.All the signs were there from an early age but I had missed them thinking she was just quirky.
I wont bore you with the details but she was diagnosed 2 months ago with Aspergers and social anxiety and is actually much worse than ds..How could I not have realised sooner?
Thats my story-probably not very helpful for you but although your dcs are younger than mine,your post rang a bell for me.

I cared for a little boy with "classic" autism for years - he was 4 years older than my DS, and they were essentially raised as brothers, DFS joined our family when DS was 4 months old.

As DS developed, it was "off". I had a voice in my head that kept whispering to me that my PFB had some sort of developmental issues, but there was a louder voice that hollered "he has been around a child who has obvious challenges, and he has learned the behaviours - get over yourself".

DS was admitted to a SN Nursery, was followed through the Early Intervention program locally, required therapeutic intervention, all of the professionals who worked with him acknowledged these issues, but that voice kept telling me to minimise it all.

However... when DS started in MS school, with NT peers, and DFS was no longer in our care, those behaviours remained.

It took me years to finally tell that voice to sod off, and listen to the whispering instinct before we finally agreed with the Paed that DS was not NT and required assessment. Turns out he has ASD as well - and it is not contagious or learned - it is what it is. And, to be honest, there is an increasing body of evidence that says it runs in families - lending huge support to the "genetic" theories...

DS is a challenging young man - "Gifted/LD" with ASD, but he is really an incredible young man, too. As he has gotten older, he has started learning (SO slowly) to manage his anxieties, and his sensory seeking/avoidance, and his need for structure, and his VERY selective diet. He has found a small but tight group of friends - all of whom are similar to him.

When he was 7, his little sister was born, and when she was 2, she was diagnosed with ASD... and we discovered that autistic features are a trait of the larger disorder that they both have.

What I am saying, is that unless your DD is exposed to NO children aside from her older brother, mimicry is not a likely explanation, unless your DS gets an inordinate amount of attention because of his challenges (and I am not seeing that on your description).

Listen to that voice that says "ask for assessment". Keep diaries, ABC charts, you know the drill, and go to the GP with a good argument for your request.

And... keep expecting things from your child - cleaning up at night, bathing, wearing clothes, eating. It is exceptionally challenging, but you and she will learn what is non-negotiable. If she is getting all the nutrients she needs on her limited diet (perhaps with a vitamin added) then don't make eating a power struggle. Have her help choose her clothes, but if she chooses them, she has to wear them. Cleaning up at night is done - whether she caries on or not, it is done.

And... for what it's worth - you are concerned about this... that categorically makes you NOT a crap parent.

Thank you.

I am concerned about learned behaviour I must admit but DS doesn't get an inordinate amount of attention at all... he mostly bumbles along OK but can be very explosive!

I shall do what I did when I asked for an assessment for DS and make loads of notes and keep a diary.

It has become more noticeable since I was diagnosed with depression - I have become much calmer and I always thought her whining was a response to my snapiness. Also we have been away with my mother and she disagrees with my way of dealing with DD - I ignore the secondary behaviour and concentrate on the job at hand so putting toys away I ask, expect her to do it and reward when it is done (star chart to earn pocket money) but my mum feels if she wails I should leap on that and not reward.... DH also jumps down her throat for whining and wailing. Neither of them are as patient over the sensory issues she has and say I am pandering but I can remember the torture of having to wear a tie and feeling as if I was going to choke to death so I acknowledge how awful clothes can feel...

A very close friend has noticed some issues too......

Ah well, off to start some notes and a diary.......

Thank you.

Please keep us posted and reach out when you need it. There will always be others who will judge, but as primary caregiver, you know her better than anyone does.

Kudos to you for getting treatment for your depression - the toll our exceptional children take on us can be immense. Taking care of yourself is a hugely important part of caring for them.

I have a Dd with Asd, many of her symptoms are very subtle but cause us lots of problems.

She struggles with sensory issues and I do loads to help her with these, she doesnt often have massive meltdowns and she can cope in mainstream school with some support.

Many people who know us (espcially family) say she is spoilt and I pander to her but I strongly refute this, I try to make her life easier but I am really strict with her over manners and behaviour. If I tell her to do something eg. Tidying up she will often whine and make a fuss but if she is actually doingmthe tidying I will ignore the fuss and praise her for doing the job.

I think you should go with your gut instint, if you already have Asd in the family itnis quite possible that your Dd also has it. Girls present very differently to boys. I would definitely keep a diary and make some notes about what you are worried about before you go to the GP. You are entitled to ask for your Dd to be assessed so dont be fobbed off.

Good luck

hello never

DD is 6yrs 2mths and has DX of ASD, will probably have SPD DX soon too

i am happy to talk to you any time about Girls and the autistic spectrum, as Ineed says, they do present their autism very differently to boys, especially if they are verbal.

My DD is also viewed as being indulged or pandered too by certain family members, but they don't have to live with DD and her issues, so basically they can fuck off with their opinions

i know you are an intelligent and very caring person, and already knowing what you know about ASD, i think people who tell you you are over-reacting need to take a bit of a back seat while you find out what is really going on for your DD.

good luck and keep posting

Oh she's verbal!  Very very verbal!

I shall keep a diary for the next few weeks, both on holiday and once school starts again.

Took me 20 minutes to get her to take anti biotics today....

Thank you for all the support!