Help please!!

[stapo1]

I am not sure how I should be handling ds2's distress.
We have always been aware of his sn & his physical & developmental dx but are waiting for a dx regarding behavioural problems & anxieties & this element is new to me.
I am not sure how I should cope with his distress, I know he is not just having a tantrum & upsetting himself on purpose if it was ds1 I would be confident it is a tantrum & just let him get on with it, but I really don't know the best way in general to help ds2, or is each situation different?
For example, he gets upset when he is in the car if all the windows & doors are not closed & locked - a complete nightmare this time of year & so today ds1 opened the window, ds 2 just couldn't cope & became hysterical, it was fear rather than a tantrum iykwim.
If it is a fear that only effects ds2 then we can just go with it, but I am struggling with getting the balance between all of our needs. I know there is not going to be an easy answer, just after some pearls of wisdom please,I don't want to treat him as a naughty boy because he is not & he IS frightened, but don't want to pander to his every whim as he certainly is not silly & will catch on!
Reading this back I am not sure it will make sense to anyone but. I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing?

I'm not sure I can say anything useful. But, DS is v. anxious about his best friend being at school and from his waking to arriving at school, panics and cries and gets v. distressed if he's not at school before us. what we have found to work in calming him down is to reassure him and to recognise his feelings - we say things like we know he is feeling worried and sad and that it is ok to feel like that etc and to really validate his emotions but to then go on to say maybe how well he manages without best friend and how he'll be ok etc. Anyway, vaidating his feelings does seem to help his anxieties and reduce the screaming and tears. Sorry, blathering on but good luck.

Hello - not sure that I can offer any help, but want to offer sympathy because we're going through a hot summer with all windows closed (car and house....)for the same reason as you!

We can sometimes "get away" with opening them if we do it before DS2 gets up in the morning, or doesn't see it...but he usually realises at some point....and then we close them and reassure him...Hope by his seeing them open occasionally he might twig that the world won't/hasn't ended!

Or I'll open them (no verbal comment) and close them when he protests (usually immediately)...but at least he's seeing them opened (briefly....)

(and I admit to bribing DS1 to put up with hot cars by promising suppertime icecream!)

I'm just hoping that it's similar to his previous anxieties over things like having to wear a particular pair of shoes for the car, another for the garden.....and that one was gradually solved by occasionally putting the "wrong" shoes on, then changing them when he objected, (But, like you say, I don't feel that confident about what I'm doing!!!)

Thank you for your replies, its nice to know we are not the only ones melting in the car!
I hope it moves on to a new anxiety before the summers over. Thanks for your advice perhaps sometimes I am not offering him as much reassurance as I should. He does settle with lots of cuddles & physical reassurance but I think I need to work on the verbal support although he is only 3 & not sure that his understanding is that great especially during the tears. Hopefully I'll get better at it as he gets older??