How to make unstructured time in school more structured

[claw2]

Ds really struggles with unstructured time in school, due to his social skills, social understanding, he is very intolerant of others and misinterprets interactions and meanings.

His communication is very monologue in social situations and receptive language he needs time to process.

How would you make his unstructured time more structured, given his difficulties. Visual timetables, sequencing etc really don't help him.

Are there any lunch/break time clubs?

I think it would depend on the resources available tbh.

Is there an effective buddy system, or friends bench at the school. What about NAS circle of friends (a system where a group become buddies)?

Can he take in a note book and pen to say, do drawing before lunch and then run around after lunch!?

Im not entirely sure what is available, I will find out this afternoon at the meeting. Just would be nice to have some ideas of my own, just in case.

Lunch time for example he did three lunchtimes and didn't eat a thing. He hasn't been able to eat in school for 4 years.

These 3 lunchtimes he had a 1:1 with him and still didn't manage to eat. I know its early days, I will wait to see what they suggest, but something as simply as letting ds eat his lunch when its more quiet, less crowded would help. For ds to feel confident with getting his ear defenders from bag if he needs to.

1:1 didn't want to make him feel 'different' and felt he 'coped' without his defenders. I think he didnt cope, if he didnt eat, he is not different, he has ASD, there is nothing wrong with getting your ear defenders out, we all have different strengths and weaknesses and his is noise!

After years of dining hall blues, DS1 now eats his lunch on the sick bay sofa, in the school corridor, with his 1:1 or someone else trusted for company.

Your DS's 1:1 needs to acknowledge that he is different, whether they like it or not!

DS1 has had various phases of need during lunchtimes and breaks. Sometimes, he's had a particular job to do, others, there have been organised activities like giant connect 4, which has provided social skills help as he teaches other children the rules.

Back from meeting, this was the first meeting with the new school. CAMHS, SW and home tutor attended.

I sat through the meeting mainly taking notes and asking questions. I didn't want to come across as too difficult or confrontational at this point. CAMHS didn't say a word, neither did SW as expected (except to say next meeting she will be closing the case, CAMHS will keep ds's case open just in case of any difficulties)

So help that ds will get

He will be supported by named LSA

Lunch club activities such as wi fit, table tennis, trampolining etc are available to all children

He can use the disabled toilet if needs be

My suggestion of home/school book to monitor ds behaviour.

There was lots of talk of lets see he gets on and the HT made a point of saying something along the lines of a pupil who suffers with very high anxiety, leaving the school and saying at some point you have to leave school and deal with the real word. Giving the impression, that anxious children have to learn to deal with their anxiety.

I did point out that i fully agree, and that children should be given coping strategies to help them cope in the real world and asked would they be doing that. The reply 'lets see how he gets on'

Ds's statement was crap, so I cant really expect anymore at this stage.

However I was hoping for a bit more.

What do they think the point of all this professional contact is if he is a boy who simply needs people to wait and see what happens?

FFS.

His 4 half days went well and they are expecting it to continue.

He attended 2 full days, which were 'fun days' so no school work at all, just fun and he only had a melt down once. So this was really positive as he coped as these days were very unstructured.

I was thinking ds has never had a problem with 'fun days' and he was shadowed 1:1 by home tutor, he has been out of school for a year as he cannot cope with a school day, not a fun day.

Ds rarely has melt downs, he directs everything inwards, holds it together, and then self harms at home.

Lunch for example home tutor said he didn't show any signs of distress (argh, not eating is his sign of distress, if you are waiting for chair throwing, its not going to happen) 'wait until he sees his friends eating, he may well join in' He has been doing that for 4 years already and hasn't yet 'joined in'. I did point this out and was met with 'new school, new environment, lets just wait and see'. How much longer do we need to wait and see, 4 years is long enough.

I kept relatively quiet otherwise i will be 'negative' and 'reinforcing' his anxieties, no doubt.

I need to think very carefully about what I do and say next.

I did mention about being proactive about long standing difficulties and making some minor changes. HT stated 'once you make changes to the expectation (ie being able to eat in a lunch hall like everyone else) it is then really difficult to get back to the expectation'

Claw I don't disagree with anything you say and know how frustrating this bit is. But for the moment, I think you just have to sit on your hands and 'wait and see'.

Not forever, but for a term or so.

Be wary of hitting them in Jan as teachers have a joke that parents turn into monsters after Christmas. This is because they let things go for the first half term and then it is the run up for Christmas and then when they return parents are motivated to sort it out.

If you can afford it, it might be worth getting your EP into the school in late Nov or so (and letting the school know advanced enough for them to 'work to' the visit in order to demonstrate how well they have done).

You simply say that you are overjoyed that ds has a place in the school but it is still your parental responsibility to ensure that it is the right place, and to seek information on how you can best support that place.

I have a fab fab fab behavioural consultant if you find yet more money under your pillow. She's school savvy and ds' school love her and ask when she'll next go in (don't bloody pay for her though).

After half term you might want to get recorded in his book one or two behaviours that you are concerned about. Like how many times he had to be taken out of a lesson, - just a number, - or how many times he asked a question, again, just a number.

But you have to build a relationship with this school. It isn't their fault that your ds has been failed for 4 years. They don't yet know for certain that it isn't at least partly your doing. This will be incredibly frustrating, but you potentially have a good few years here and at least for the moment, believe that it 'can' be right with a bit of patience. (though it will never be perfect, but you know that right?)

So we are back to trying to push a square peg into a round hole. Ds is just forced to do whatever everyone expects from him. He passively complies, feels unheard and controlled. He then self harms to gain some control back.

Sorry I am just ranting now. Im off to do some shopping and clear my head and think of some practical ways to deal with this, other than waffling.

Claw - is this a specialist ASD school? If so, they should have experience of anxiety and have some very clear strategies for dealing with it.

What attracted you to it? Can you think back to why you thought it would be a good match for him? That might help you focus on the positives about the environment and the distinction between specialist provision and mainstream.

Not sure what all the 'wait and see' is about as you would expect a clear plan really

The anxiety comment is crap. We all want them to be independent and cope with anxiety but you don't achieve that by making them anxious Also school is not life and coping with school is not the same as coping with life!

But he does have a named 1:1 and I presume small classes and fewer children in the school? So this should make things alot easier.

'So we are back to trying to push a square peg into a round hole. Ds is just forced to do whatever everyone expects from him. He passively complies, feels unheard and controlled. He then self harms to gain some control back.'

I think it is worth putting this into writing to the HT. Not in a demanding way, but in a 'I will work with the school and support the transition as they prefer to conduct this. However, I have some concerns which are blah blah blah and given ds' past behaviour and response to some of these methods, I am keen that during this process ds is monitored very carefully and a written log kept on these areas of concern so that should any intervening be required it can be done quickly and head of any further or developing problems.

Something like that?

Thanks Star, that is my feeling I will have to wait and see, it just doesn't come naturally to me.

I was nothing but agreeable at this meeting, I am extremely aware of relations and how they MUST stay good.

Thanks for the common sense, it is much needed immediately after a meeting!

Just because they don't see the things that you do doesn't mean they won't.

Keep vigilant, but not too active, just for a bit.

And things may actually be different for him if the environment is.

So concentrate on those differences and you can always raise things in that way, ie. things may be different because of the endvironment but in the past these things have been a problem etc etc

IE, yes its the indi specialist school. Things that attracted me on site SALT, OT and trained counsellor and they specialise in HFA.

They have already made a referral to their indi SALT.

My concerns are that ds slips through the net so easily, he is overly compliant. When forced to do something, he will comply and this will reinforce that he will never speak up. He is also very good at telling you what he thinks you want to hear, as he is also overly concerned with 'getting into trouble' or making mistakes. He tries desperately to fit in. But this has its consequences, he cant eat, his sleep goes out the window and he self harms.

His trail days at school resulted in a new behaviour of poo smearing at home. So 'successful' days at school, poo smearing at home.

Yes smaller classes, 12 children per year group and one year group per year.

I will have to wait and see, however after waiting and seeing for years and watching ds suffer because of it, it doesn't come naturally. However, I will have to for now.

I know Claw. It will be very hard and I think our boys are similarly compliant and highly anxious lads soI do understand.

But the environment is different and they do have access to resources and staff who should understand this better. Things may be alot different for him

Perhaps worth doing the bare minimum of what's needed, in 'their way'. And leaving everything else till late Nov.

So 'oh yes, let me research latest earplug options rather than the big ear defenders'

'Fab, lunchtime clubs, he'll need a good bit of support while he gets used to them, after that he may just blend in'

'Oh yes, be fab to develop anti-anxiety strategies now, they'll be life-long skills, help him in the outside world''

'Oh yes, lunch-hall experience essential' Every day I'll send a small amt of tasty food, maybe he'll soon copy the others'

'He's so much more co-operative with peers after a smoothie/ milky drink/ whatever' Isn't that odd''

You've been asked to trust complete idiots for so long, you've got out of the habit of dealing with competent professionals, who might sometimes be right.

You've also got used to people saying wait-&see, yes-but etc within a context of hostile and deliberate ignoring/ attacking. Decent professionals will sometimes have honest disagreements with parents over strategies. It doesn't always mean they're like the old lot. And the good ones will soon admit when they've gone down a blind alley.

I know, I know, I need a huge dose of trust!

How I handle things from now on is imperative. I did manage to come across as agreeable, positive and trusting in the meeting, I did raise a few points, I did nod and agree and state I felt confident that school could meet needs etc. It was all very positive.

This school is nothing like previous school. Thanks guys for helping me focus.

For me, I had any respect for the competency of anyone other than me completely battered out of me and worked so hard to be the expert that it has been very hard to believe that anyone can know anything better than I do.

And, for the most part, this remains true. However, the WAY people get it wrong is very very different. And this is significant, because the 'issues' go like this:

Them 'ds is doing x atm. Don't worry, we'll handle it, we just thought you should know'.

me: 'hmm, yes, I did kind of raise that but you said you'd not seen it in school'

Them 'Yes, well we think it is because of y, so we're going to do z bizarre therapy as we think that will help'.

Me: 'Um, well why don't you try this other thing that I mentioned before?'

Them: 'Let's just see if our way works first okay?'

Me: 'okay, so can we keep a record of it!?'

Them: 'Well we don't usually do it that way, but yes alright'.

Them (a few weeks later): 'Well we think that we've seen some amazing improvements after the therapy. Not in the areas we were trying to address, but in these other areas, what do you think?'

Me: Yes. He's better at those things. I'm really pleased. What about the original problem?

Them: 'Well, it's not improved as much as we would have liked'.

Me: 'How about you try my original suggestion?'

Them: 'Yes, we can see how that might work, actually we're going to do it as a whole class exercise because there is another child in it that could benefit too!'.

So, you see. It's slow. It's still slow, but I'm working with people that communicate, with people that care, with people that understand the problem, if not the solution entirely, and with people who have a range of strategies that they know about.

And after a couple of rounds of the above, they are more ready to take on my suggestion earlier in the process.

It's early days Claw. It's frustrating because you know that your child has a long way to go and you just want to get on with it not start from base AGAIN. But hopefully things will pick up.

Yep Star 100%, you were right about it being hard to wind down from battle mode too!

There were some nice comments from the SW about her ceasing her involvement as there are absolutely no parental concerns, in fact quite the opposite I played a big part in resolving the issues.

And CAMHS after the meeting about home/school book and monitoring ds's behaviour being a good idea, especially after the issues with previous school reporting that things were fine, when they were not.

So I should feel confident that the same thing will not happen again.

Thanks for listening to me and helping me to focus, im off to Asda to get some shopping and relax with a big cream cake!

Thanks again everyone.