Sibling struggling with ds2 but no diagnosis yet to explain ds2 behaviour

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I was wondering if you could help me support ds1 (NT) re his db (ds2).
ds2 will hopefully be assessed by CAMHS for AS. He has had some very angry outbursts where he has been hitting ds1 on a daily basis, to the point that for a while, I was careful not to leave them alone together.

ds2 has thankfully calmed down but ds1 is still very worried that his db will just explode. And ds2 is oblivious to any ways he could use to show he cares about ds1 (or appreciate his help, kindness etc...) which leaves ds1 thinking his db just doesn't like him (and ds1 feeling extremely hurt by this behaviour).

I can't explain to ds1 that his db probably has AS, to explain what AS means for him and how to best deal with it as we don't have a diagnosis yet. So I have said to ds1 that ds2 finds staying calm very hard etc ... but on his pov, if he is asked not to hit and can manage why ds2 can't?
And if he (ds1) can find ways to be nice to his db (little gestures), why can't ds2 do the same ? (it goes well over ds2 head tbh).

Not sure how to deal with it now but thought you might have some ideas on how to best support the NT sibling.

ds1 is 10yo and ds2 is 8yo.

Would explaining the 'differences' without mentioning AS work?

Since there are quite severe problems, it sound like you need an explanation even if he doesn't get a diagnosis. And it could be a while till you hear. Your eldest is probably aware of various 'differences' from classmates already eg dyslexia, needing glasses, ADHD, asthma.

AS / ASD is useful shorthand but relies on all 3 sets of difficulty (social-interaction, social-communication and social-imagination) each scoring over a certain threshold. Siblings with high scores in 2 areas & one area sort-of-ok, are probably similar to those with 3/3 affected.

Mine are the other way round.
DS1 (12 - autistic spectrum / high functioning)
DS2 10 - NT

DS2 is so good at dealing with difficult behaviour probably because of his brother. The most difficult thing has been different discipline, DS1 never got the relationship between action and discipline. A lot easier now he is 12, ASD kids can learn a lot of social norms by practice.

I have not told either of his diagnosis. To DS2 I say that children mature / learn at different speeds and that DS1 will get there etc...

Yes I have done the explanation about people been different, some people finding some stuff more difficult etc... I have also pointed put that ds2 is much calmer these days (Or at least he won't hit ds1 automatically, now he usually resort to stomping to his bedroom shouting instead).
but unfortunately, the situation is getting worse.

And YY to the NT sibling getting good at dealing with that sort of behaviour. So on the top of it, ds1 has been paired up with a child with AS at school, probably because he is the one who can deal with the child the best. But that hasn't helped the situation at home at all.

I have been wondering about getting someone from the outside to support ds1. A child psychologist perhaps so that someone else can explain/give him tools to deal with the situation. Has anyone tried that?

How old is he? Young carers organisations might help yc.net

ds1 is 10yo. ds2 is only 18 months younger which is another issue because they expect to be able to do the sane thing, behave in the same way iyswim (Only one year difference at school too...)

Here we have the rules stuck up on the wall and the consequences and we used to have a sequencing chart too with pictures. For example hitting, will result in you being sent to your room for 10 minutes with pictures, showing that. Luckily ds is good at following rules. We no longer need the sequence chart, but ive left the rules as a reminder.

Zero tolerance for hitting, swearing, name calling or breaking other peoples things. I try to make the consequences as logical as possible. For example ds broke his brothers laptop on purpose, so he had to give his brother HIS laptop.

It also helped to show my other children that although ds couldn't always manage to behave and maybe didn't always understand the consequences, that I was taking it seriously and trying to ensure that he behaved.

You could also play turn taking games where they take turns to say something kind. I did this with ds and he learnt responses, such as responding to 'hello' and 'goodbye' and asking others 'how was YOUR day' etc (he doesn't always stop to listen when someone is telling him about their day, but at least he has learnt to ask!

Are ds1 and ds2 at the same school? I believe The pairing of ds1 with a child of AS should be changed, not sure how to put it but I have complex ds1 with SN I wouldn't want my ds2 to be having to have the responsibility of supporting another challenging child at school if I felt he was having a challenging time at home with his brother, I also find ds2 can be called on at school to support his brother if there is a situation so he really doesn't need any extra responsibility

Yes ds1 and ds2 at the same school.

They have called ds1 for help with ds2 before but this hasn't happened for a couple of years.
And yes I will have to have a word with next year teacher about it.