Is it time for me to step back?

[insanityscratching]

Ds 18 is at the independent specialist school that I fought for and the transformation has been incredible. From being mute and closed off to having friends and travelling independently, doing work experience, using shops, gyms and restaurants with minimal support.
The downside is he hates me for it (doesn't speak to me at all now), he hates the fact that he is at a school with people with autism, he hates that he has needed the support he's got to make the progress he has and whilst he likes his teacher and TA's and his classmates he hates the school.
Tomorrow is a PATH meeting to make plans for next year and then post 19. Ds doesn't want me there or will allow me to go if I don't speak or object to any of his points.
He is intent on it being a character assassination and I assume I am number one and the school number two.
He has text me today to tell me I am not to speak at the meeting if I disagree or object to anything he says. I've text him back (not worth speaking because he won't acknowledge me when he gets home) saying that I won't attend if I am unable to speak freely and have emailed his teacher to tell her that ds can explain my absence at the meeting.
It breaks my heart to take this stance but I do think it's time for me to show ds that he has pushed me to the limit now after all I have put up with being ignored, disregarded and snubbed for two years almost and I wouldn't stand for that from anyone else.
Tell me am I doing the right thing?

I think you are right. You are his mother and not his agent. You are doing your best to support him, he may not always agree that what you do is right but that doesn?t change the fact that you have his best interests at heart.

Perhaps you could ask your DS if he wants you to be at the meeting (with the freedom to express yourself as you see fit!) or if he does not want you to attend at all. Or, you could tell him that you will come as an observer and emotional support for him but then you will also have to explain to the school that he has asked you not to speak, and so your silence cannot be taken as either agreement or disagreement with anything that is said.

If he does not want you to attend, or to speak at the meeting, then perhaps you could write a letter to the school, telling them that you are respecting your son?s wish that you not be present / be silent at the meeting, but expressing your happiness at how much progress your son has made, and your wish that he continue to have a place there!

I've emailed his teacher saying that if I don't attend I will send my input in writing once I have received the notes of the meeting. His teacher knows the situation although she might be surprised that I have put my foot down. I won't attend and be silent though because I'd be unable to keep quiet and ds would storm off if I broke the agreement.
I feel very bad about it but I do think I need to make a stand.

DS went through a period of similar behaviour a couple of years ago, it is so hard to deal with it when you've been fighting on their behalf as a parent so I feel for you. I stood my ground though, and insisted on being present at meetings, as no matter how independent DS was becoming, he needed my support to navigate through the post-19 haze. I tended not to say much in meetings when he was there, but would often discuss things before he entered the room. Would that be possible in your case? Adult services tend to be very bureaucratic and its best to stay on top of things even if your DS resents it - like your DS, mine was in an independent special school from age 9 and if he was fully capable of managing things like meetings and decisions about the future, he wouldn't have been in such a specialist placement.

Do you know what kind of plans your DS has once he leaves the school? We managed to secure funding for another specialist place for DS up to age 25, and that wouldn't have been possible if I'd let DS take over the reins. LAs will often want students to simply leave school at 18/19 and come home (which is what DS would have liked, but it wouldn't have been at all good for him or for us at home!), and if you're not there to push for more specialist support, that is all too likely to happen.

Would he accept someone else as his advocate? Is there anyone he would tolerate or is it the lack of control that he is unbearably frustrated with?

it's just me really his Dad will be there regardless and ds will be ok about that as he doesn't see his Dad as an authority figure. All that will happen is that any decisions will be made afterwards with my input rather than thrashed out at the meeting. He can win the battle but he won't win the war

I had to step away from DD1 once she had passed 18, she left school without me knowing. Completely changed her plans, went away to work, got pregnant and refused to discuss any of it with me.

She kept maintaining that once she was an adult she could be responsible for herself.

I stepped back but remained on high alert and stepped back in as and when was necessary. I got little thanks for bailing her out numerous times but she is much more settled now and I am only on orange alert these days.

It is really hard but you need to put yourself first for once and just be there to step in when he needs real help.

Good luck

Ds is going to need supported housing when he does leave home so I'm not sure I'll ever get to fully step back well not if he is to survive anyway. I think that I'm getting to the end of my patience and feeling exhausted with it all tbh.
I thought after the battle to get him the school he needed I could start to relax but really ds has been an even bigger pain than usual because he blames me for sending to a school for "freaks" even though it is perfect for him.
I love him but I have moments when I dislike him and that makes me feel really bad even if he isn't aware of it.
I think I need a break from him and so will be speaking to school about exploring residential colleges post 19 rather than him going to college near school as he wants even though he will hate me even more.

It is really hard to get a residential college post 19, even more so I imagine if your DS is against it, as they're obliged to take the young person's views into account. I found it helpful to work with DS so he could understand why it was the best option for him, rather than trying to battle against him. I've worked with adolescents on the spectrum too and seen them fall into drugs, deal with mental health issues and suicide attempts once the support falls away, as well as sexual exploitation and unplanned pregnancy with the young women as well, and it made me more determined to stick by DS rather than step back and watch him make mistakes like that.

But left to his own devices ds will stay in his room 24/7 There isn't much chance of him doing anything illegal because what he wants is to hole up and not interact with anyone.
Many of his objections to his school is that they get interaction from him, he's out and about in the community and learning independence skills, holing up in a quiet room isn't an option there.
He aims to go to the college but there will be one hiccup and he won't ever go again and there will be a hiccup because any slight deviation from what he expects (even if he doesn't voice his expectations) will be enough for him to refuse.
I know I sound hard but it's because I want more from him than that because really if I don't battle for ds and against ds (come to that) then he won't have any sort of life at all.
I have a terror that something will happen to me and he'll be found dead because without someone pushing him along he won't eat or drink or look for help.