well where does that leave me ?

[thriftychic]

ds2 is 14 diagnosed AS last year . he has huge anger problems and we have been seeing a psychologist at camhs . i went without him the first couple of times and then the plan was to see ds2 for 3 sessions and then me again. what actually happened was ds2 had an appointment where he explained how its all my fault as i dont give him enough freedom for his age and then refused to have any more of it . i got him there but he was walking off , causing a scene being rude to the woman etc
so , i went in to talk instead and im told that unless ds2 actually wants the appointment there will be no more for him and then it was all about how much say and freedom ds2 has in his life because that is whats bothering him. i should let him have more . well , ye , recently it is but 6 months ago it was something else , there is always something he thinks is wrong with life , mostly me .
i am trying to trust him and keep him safe , every time i do he spoils it. cant be where hes supposed to be , cant use internet unsupervised (porn everytime) lies about everything.
so , now im left with no camhs and a child that is very aggressive and much bigger than me .
for e.g when we got home he asked if he could set up a facebook account and because hes had facebook and caused trouble with it 3 times already i said i would think about it and let him know tomorrow. that was enough to provoke a huge meltdown where he got to the shed and threatened dh with a stanley knife among other things .
i had hope that this time camhs would actually help

How can he access porn on the computer if you have parental controls set on his account?
What sort of specific things does he want the freedom to do?
Does he have any outside interests?
How do school deal with him, and how does he respond?

he has accessed porn via his phone , so we sorted that , then he kept taking my laptop into his room on the sly , so i now have it passworded. he gets to use the main computer which is downstairs but he thinks its unfair that he cant have a laptop in his room . hes also very clever and has managed to get passed some of the safeguards we had.
he wanted a blackberry , got one for his birthday and was then chatting to girls he didnt know on bbm , he then made some very inappropriate videos of himself , i talked to him first , he did it again , i blocked the camera , he had a meltdown about it and smashed the bloody thing to smithereens .
he likes fishing but is mad for bike riding and wants to hang around the town with friends or ride on the bmx track , unfortunately he makes a beeline for the ones who smoke and drink he does go out riding but he insists on doing it every night and if theres somewhere else we need to go ...meltdown.
He hates school because he says its pointless and boring . He has no problem with the noise or changing classes or any of that but he just cannot be bothered . he wants absolutely everything his own way . School say he just wont make an effort .

Seems likes lots of attention seeking behaviour going on. I think how you respond to undesirable behaviours is paramount (if you feel there is lots of attention seeking behaviour, that is)

Ignore what you can, deal very matter of fact with what you cant. No fuss, no arguments.

Have you tried drawing up plans or agreements with him?

Also thought about whether your ds gets any support in school, quite common for AS kids to hold it together in school, then melt down/angry at home

At school ds has always needed rewards or else he just doesn't see the point either. Have the school got a system of incentives and rewards that he might go for? Expecting him to do thing because he should or because everyone else does is unlikely to work IME.
Like Claw we choose our battles carefully here, ignore a fair bit but expect compliance on the no hitting, no swearing and no breaking rules and have plenty of incentives and rewards available.
Do you have a wall planner? With ds he can accept things far more easily if it's written down in advance to give him time to come to terms with it. So telling him haircut after school would prompt a meltdown whereas putting it on the planner a few days before and drawing his attention to it in the days preceding means he'll go quite happily.

Also a few things I found worked for my now older 'nt' boys when younger. I basically use the same with my younger ds who has ASD as I did with my other two.

Telling my ds's exactly what I wanted them to do, instead of what NOT to do. The difference being one can be received as a criticism, the other is an instruction.

For example instead of 'don't play football in the house' I would say 'pick the ball up and put it in the garden' or 'don't be late home' instead 'be home at 8pm'

Also used privilege charts with them, rather than rewards, where as they had to earn their privileges. Nothing is ever taken away, they just either earn it or they don't.

For example privileges were PS3, TV, sweets, money etc, etc. Anything, that wasn't shelter and food was a privilege in my book, im a mean cow

Behaviours I wanted to change (or for them to do without an argument or fuss) doing homework, putting your clothes in dirty wash for example or any other behaviour.

So if they earned 5 points by doing homework, they earned tv time. If they didn't put their clothes in dirty wash, they didn't earn the points needed for say x-box time. However each day, once points were earned they couldn't be taken away, so great incentive to carry on and one mistake doesn't result in everything being taken away.

Ds never quite got a reward chart system when he was young enough to need one it was always do A to get B. Nowadays we don't need anything concrete as the early "training" has worked. He gets magazines weekly so long as he has behaved well enough and odd treats and rewards because we are pleased with him.Never ever punish him because he'd make you pay tenfold for that.

Same here insanity, my younger ds (ASD) is better behaved than my older 2 ever were! Maybe his age, he is 9, the teenage years are yet to come.

He can be very controlling and I use lots of choices and positive reinforcement for making the right choice. Trying to force ds to do anything, just results in making the behaviour worse.

Well ds is 18 and far better behaved than the majority of teenagers tbh. He's still grumpy, untidy, lazy and always hungry though

He sounds just like my older two!

I have the opposite problem with ds 9, he is never hungry, he is obsessed with being tidy and everything has to be very ordered and he often nags me for leaving my cup on the table! I have to stop him from tidying his older brothers room

Insanity do we have the same 18 year old?

Sorry OP, it sounds a nightmare. I think what Claw has suggested sounds great. If he is violent, is it worth getting the community police officer to talk to him. This might make him realise things are serious. Same about the porn etc. a lot of boys don't realise they can land up with criminal records and on the sex offenders register for what they see as taking photos etc of girls. One lad I taught didn't even ake the photo but it was his phone so he got a record and it put paid to his career in childcare.

thanks for all the replies and suggestions , will read and think

Also Thirtychic have you tried the NAS behaviour specialists, you can book telephone appointments and they are very helpful (your ds doesn't have to attend a telephone appointment!). They also offer trained ASD counsellors.

They also offer well planned written strategies, much like an IEP, with goals/targets, strategies to help behaviour and outcomes. 1 week plan, 2 week plan etc.

no . never heard of that , sounds good . i ahve to say that in 3 years ds2 behaviour is no better and camhs havent suggested anything that i hadnt thought of and tried already , maybe there is hope

CAMHS are often not trained in ASD. You might have more luck with an ASD trained counsellor.

I haven't tried the counselling for ds, but i have used the telephone appointment service (for poo smearing).

One thing i have learnt over the years is to try and find the trigger for the behaviour by keeping a diary ie what happened before, what happened immediately after, who was there, environment at the time etc, etc.

Most of ds's behaviours are school related and by giving him more structure and support in school has improved his behaviour at home (self harming). Also at home, more structure and routine is helpful, even though this helps ds, he often fights against it.

Sometimes ASD kids are stressed/angry (sometimes without even knowing or being able to identify the cause of it) It is so common for them to display more challenging behaviours at home, where they feel relaxed and comfortable. It is also so common for them to direct their anger at parents.