Am I really such a bad parent?

[NoHaudinMaWheest]

There is a bit of back story to this on SN chat I am being investigated and feel overwhelmed and undermined.

The latest on this debacle with SS is that because of the issues that have been identified, SW wants me to agree to a parent support worker advising me on parenting my DCs (13 and 16).

The issues identified are all pretty minor and relate to Ds's disabilities (AS, severe OCD, dyslexia, some hypermobility). DD has developed a mobility problem of uncertain origin but she is seeing a team of physio, psychologist and paed none of whom have raised parenting issues.

We have had support workers in our home for 6 months working with intervention for Ds's OCD under the guidance of his psychologist. The concerns were initially raised by them and my perfectly reasonable explanations have been dismissed.

I know that parent support workers have little training. The one they are suggesting using has virtually no experience of AS or teenagers.

When Ds was little and we had no diagnosis (and didn't know we needed one) a parenting advisor with knowledge and experience of ASD would have been useful. Now however I have found out by trial and error and reading how to manage myself.

There are also things they are making a fuss about which I consider natural variation within families.

i am going to say no to this intervention which SW has threatened will mean upping SS involvement to CP. This scares me but I reallly don't think they can make a case stand up.

I am trying to appear strong but actually I feel distraught about the whole thing. It feels like living in a parallel universe.

I am sorry that you are going through this but please don't for a moment think that you are a bad parent. We all do make choices which are best for us and works for our families, some of them can look very odd from the outside, but by no means harmful.

There are also things they are making a fuss about which I consider natural variation within families.

This is it. I have found some people working with our dc to be the most inflexible human beings in the planet. Crazy considering that our dc are supposed to be the ones rigid in their routines. It is their inability to see different for what it is that makes them dangerous. I repeat different does not mean harmful and you are not a bad parent. Hope you find the strength to get through this.

That sounds crap. I'd hate this sort of intrusion into my life.

Can you get some legal advice? If not I think I'd write a very polite email (or letter and send it recorded delivery.

Dear SW

Thank you very much for your on-going support and involvement with my family. I know you have the very best interests of my children at heart and I hope you know that we keen to work with you. But I'm finding that the current involvement of Social Services in supporting my children is not working optimally for us as a family. This is because some of advice and support is unnecessarily intrusive and just doesn't fit with how we work as a family. List one or two good examples

I have been told that a new support worker may be assigned to us to who has virtually no experience of AS or teenagers.

I have also been told that if I refuse this intervention you will be forced to increase your intervention to child protection. With the greatest of respect this is completely unnecessary.

When Ds was little and we had no diagnosis (and didn't know we needed one) a parenting advisor with knowledge and experience of ASD would have been useful. Now however I have found out by trial and error and reading how to manage myself. I'm sure I'm not a perfect parent but my children are well-loved and well cared for.

It would mean a great deal to me if the service would reconsider its decision. But if Social Services insist that I must have a support worker in my house I will accept the support of one who has been appropriately trained in ASD and has a demonstrable track record in successfully helping teenagers with similar special needs and their families.

thanks for the support all.

Dev yes lack of flexiblity from some, much worse than Ds is now.

DisAstrophe. I think I might say the only support worker I would find helpful is one who has a now adult Dc with similar diagnoses to mine who has successfully piloted them through university and into employment. I'm sure there is someone on here who could apply for the job .

I really can empathise with how you feel I would hate to be observed by SW because I'm sure my parenting would be considered odd, strange and probably lacking at times but it's because I've adapted to ds and dd's needs not that I'm particularly neglectful.
There's a quote I'm pretty sure it's from Lorna Wing and this isn't word for word but the gist is "when viewing a child with asd with their parents don't assume that their non typical responses to their child is the cause of their child's non typical behaviour but consider first that their non typical response is as a result of them adapting to and being empathetic to their child's non typical needs"
If nothing else maybe you could find the quote and show them.

Sounds like you could do with a whole bag of carrots :(

If you were a bad parent, you wouldn't have sought help in the first place and wouldn't have spent your DC's entire lives working out how best to support them through their difficulties and quirks.

I was a 'bad' parent for removing my ds from nursery to do some ABA.

I felt the nursery were neglectful and ill equipped to help him. I was also labelled a bad parent for spending the money we had for a boiler on ds' ABA as the LA were doing nothing. I was a bad parent for letting the kids wear sandals in the rain in August and a bad parent for not puting any toys in ds' room. I was a bad parent for leaving unopened letters in my porch. I was a bad parent for not doing daily baths and for not taking dd to the baby clinic regularly.

So I guess you probably must be a bad parent, just like me.

Or like me the whole thing coukd be a sharade for the purpose of gathering evidence that all costly support required is your fault so they can verbally attack you instead.

Good advice already.

I might use this to gather evidence myself. Tell them it would be great if after all these years of having your ds' needs marginalised they have finally realised the extent of his care needs and you are hugely relieved.

However, given the level of intrusion so far you need to consider their offer in the context of your famils holistic needs. With this in mind, coukd they please put to you in writing their offer, stating the qualifications and experience of the proposed worker and the outcomes for your ds they would achieve. Then you can discuss with your family and get back to them.

This kind of correspondence will add to the evidence for securing future support for your ds.

As I just saying on another thread when when ill informed, inexperience people get involved, it can be dangerous.

You are well within your rights to ask for someone with qualifications and experience. Although im sure you would teaching them a thing or two, at least they would hopefully be able to see and understand what you see.

I declined SW 'suggested' intervention and proposed my own more suitable intervention based on medical and expert written recommendations. SW stomped her feet, threatened raising it to CP, got her manager onto me and wrote a lovely report about me 'disengaging' and being 'unable to follow professional advice'

I wrote back saying disagreeing isn't the same as disengaging and that I was following professional advice, expert, professional written advice, just not hers as I found it extremely unhelpful.

It was never raised to CP.

I don't know what sort of parent you are, but I do know that the woman I met a few months ago at the meet-up was one of the most genuine people I've met for a long time.

Don't worry about what they think about you - you're not in a 'most popular' competition. Just worry about whether your DS is getting what he needs. That's all you need to be thinking about.

I don't think like Claw that the intervention they are suggesting is suitable or necessary. If they want to spend money on Ds I can think of lots of things which would help him more. If they want to support me as a parent I can think of more useful things.

Problem is I don't have any professional reports to support these request of mine.

Lougle thanks. Support workers are only in our home in the first place because it seemed the best way to support Ds's OCD intervention. I have always felt uncomfortable but put up with it because it was in Ds's best interests and haven't stopped it even though I feel thoroughly betrayed because it is in Ds's best interests.

Nohaundin, write and tell them exactly that. You don't think the intervention they are suggesting is suitable or necessary and x,y,z would be far more suitable and helpful. You are not disengaging with them, but trying to work with them.

Claw thanks. We have a CiN meeting on Tuesday so will use that then. Also like the phrase 'disagreeing is not the same as disengaging'.

I have been reading the other thread. Sorry you have had such hassle with SS. The first SW you had was so out of order.

Mine has all the caring carrot words and expressions.

So sorry this is happening.

I find this sinister and frightening and the sort of story that puts other people off asking for help.

Stand up fir yourself - suspect these people are highly likely to back down.

Starlight! can't believe such little things would be counted as abusive. I guess I'm a really shit mother too then!

NoHaudin - hang in there and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

That phrase is wonderful and was advice to me from Agnes on here!

We don't have that SW anymore, she is long gone. New SW is actually very nice, useless but nice.

Did your ds find the previous support worker intervention helpful? Did it achieve anything? Did your ds make progress? Did you find it helpful?

Im assuming no, so why repeat the same failed intervention again. Why not work in partnership with you and try something that you think will improve things.

Good luck on Tuesday. I have a CIN meeting on Tuesday too! (although we don't have a CIN plan and the minutes are headed TAC, not CIN!) They can call this meeting whatever the hell they want, as long as they are working with me and not against me. This meeting will be totally different, ds now has his statement, is in 'special' school and SW attitude is totally different, it will be about what intervention ds will find useful in SCHOOL, rather than blame. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Look up the job description of a parent support adviser
Ask for their CV
Refuse to accept anyone without say an autism qualification or extensive experience of working with children with autism