Please help me make bedtimes calmer...end of tether :(

[mrsbaffled]

I have two very lively boys. DS1 (9) suspected AS, maybe ADHD, definite SPD, and DS2 (5) TS.

Bedtime is a real flash point for us. We do the same routine every night, and have done since they were tiny: dinner, bath, PJs, stories, teeth + toilet, into bed and read til lights out 30 mins later.

They just become insanely silly. I don't know how to deal with them. They wind each other up and get louder and louder. DS1 still needs help with dressing etc, but can't stand still for even a few seconds. It took him 10 minutes to get undressed the other night to get into the bath as he just wandered round aimlessly for most of that time. Then he complained he didn't get enough time in the bath :/

How do I improve what we are doing? I am fed up of how cross bedtime makes me. I hate doing it any more.

I have fiddled with the morning routine so we are no longer rushing about so much. Previously in the morning before school they would have TV then get dressed etc, but I have changed that to getting completely ready, then only getting TV when they are ready to go. I reinforce that with a visual timetable. Not sure how to fiddle with the evening routine to improve matters. I mostly need to keep them calm, and am at a loss on how to do that.....help!!

DS1 finds it very hard to go to sleep and would read for hours if I let him. he has a weighted blanket which he sits under when he's reading in bed. It can take up to 2.5 hours for him to fall asleep and will call up for us 4-5 times in an evening. DS2, on the otherhand falls asleep within 10 mins. They are in bunk beds.

We started giving the older child a bath/shower in the mornings.
We stopped reading older child a story
We sometimes give a bath as a treat at any time in afternoon, then he stays in it as long as he likes, like a swimming pool ifysim!

Other tricks are, no story in bed, but give it on the sofa before routine starts.
Give up routine and just put their pjs on downstairs
Separate bedtimes.
Let older one read for longer if he's going to be awake anyway, sometimes reading lulls to sleep.
Make bedtime much much shorter, but put good bits(bath/story) somewhere else in the day? Sometimes the routine can get very unwieldy and what worked when they were little is less good.
More exercise in afternoon.
No electrics/screen activities after 5pm

some thoughts!

And my older children behave just as you describe, so it is not going to get better! We became much more matter of fact about bedtime. They do go to bed quite easily,just to a Mary Poppins type it might appear a trifle disorganised. Certainly with older children the faff factor seems to increase, whether they have SNs or not. I have two with SNs, dsypraxia and ASD but the NT (dd) is the worse faffer of all! In our house everyone is asleep most days by 9.30 give or take a few days where they come down demanding food/read too late/rush round organising schooly stuff at last minute (dd) DH puts it down to willpower. We used to spend a lot of time chatting at bedside of our eldest when he was 9, definitely he liked to chat over his day at bedtime and we went with it, and it has paid off now - he goes to sleep very "on cue" at 13.

We use a sand timer on ds, can get lovely big ones, it helps him focus to beat it, otherwise getting changed can take around 30 mins, his so easily distracted.

Thank you - some great ideas here x I am on a mission to crack this!

The sand timer is a good idea. We used a kitchen timer when he was little to get him to eat dinner in less than an hour(!) That DID work.....
I wonder how long is a reasonable amount of time for getting undressed??

Slightly off topic, but I was at a friend's party yesterday and felt rather sad when someone was talking about their children getting dressed in the mornings for school and how she refuses to help as "she is 5 for goodness sake, and really should be able to do that by now".... :( 9....and still needs help....when will the micromanagement cease?!

You say you use a visual timetable in the mornings - have you tried one for the evenings? Also can you start giving your eldest small amounts of responsibility for say taking his own socks off (using picture prompts) and you then help with the rest of his clothes. When he has mastered that then let him do pants as well etc

Obviously you sound like you already have a really good routine in place. Maybe you could try putting one of them to bed first and maybe they would settle better without the other one to wind them up. Just a suggestion, you may have already tried that?